Fate/Grand Order Anthology Drama CD: The Blue Bird
Kongming: Ah... Ah... Can you hear me? Did we manage to properly connect?
Dr. Roman: Ahahahaha, how did we come to this? Ahahahaha!
Kongming: Doctor, your eyes are not completely laughing... Nevermind. Let us review this situation that has befallen to you... or rather, to us.
Dr. Roman: Yeah. It all started when Da Vinci-chan proudly came to us and...
Da Vinci: Let me explain! This is Da Vinci-chan's newly created Simulated Holy Grail Search machine! The headmounted display from the fusion of magic and science has allowed for a VIRTUAL training in a VIRTUAL world made VIRTUALLY possible! You can select your destination from the various potential worlds that could have arisen over the course of human history!
Dr. Roman: After what she said, I genuinely thought of how convenient that machine is—
Fujimaru: Yeah, even I was...
Fujimaru: Eh? We can go wherever we want, so we'll decide by throwing a dart at a map? Sounds fun, it's like we're playing a game!
Fujimaru: I'm not sure what I was thinking, being so optimistic about that.
Dr. Roman: Right, perhaps you've been starving for entertainment after enduring so many hardships. And when you were about to throw the dart...
Fujimaru: Alright! Even the major league will be powerless against my snow mirage dream ball! I'm gonna set this game on fire!
Dr. Roman: You got so fired up that you—
Fujimaru: No, I never said that! Please don't make up your own flashbacks!
Dr. Roman: And then...
Fujimaru: What will happen if I hit the deep sea next to New Zealand? Will we have an indescribable Grand Order in R'lyeh? Gehehehe~!
Dr. Roman: ...is what you said.
Fujimaru: I did not say that! And why am I speaking weird in that one?!
Dr. Roman: Well anyways, you just lobbed the dart at full force, and it hit the picture of the moon that was drawn in the corner, next to the actual world map. And then...
Mash: Geez, Senpai. Were you trying to show off by aiming for the margins? I'm deeply moved! You're so amazing! Hug me! To the ends of the galaxy!!!
Fujimaru: More than that... Those glasses look great on you!
Mash: !! Senpai~ ❤️
Dr. Roman: Is what you two—
Mash: I did not. I did NOT say that!
Kongming: What are you people doing...?
Mash: ahem As far as we can tell, this seems to be a hypothetical world where humans lived on the moon. I didn't expect to enter a world within the machine. Neither did I expect to see the surface of the moon when the VR machine started up. But... It couldn't be...
Fujimaru: Yeah... It couldn't be...
Kongming: I couldn't be...
Fate/Grand Order Anthology Drama CD: The Blue Bird
Fujimaru: THIS AIN'T VIRTUAL AT ALL!!
Mash: We really rayshifted!
Dr. Roman: Care to explain this, Da Vinci-chan?
Da Vinci: Da Vinci-chan did nothing wrong, da vinci!
Dr. Roman: Huh?!
Da Vinci: I simply wanted to insert a sharp scalpel into the complicated workings of the modern world, so that I could perform thorough research on a number of mysteries, da vinci. Nobody really understands us geniuses, da vinci.
Fujimaru: Why are you talking like that? You think you can dodge the blame with that cutesy act?
Kongming: For the time being, does anyone mind if I curse her with the Formation of No Return?
Da Vinci: Geh! Kongming! Okay, okay! Yeah, yeah, I screwed up. It's all my fault. I'm such a genius that I accidentally gave my device the ability to rayshift into alternate worlds! It's all Da Vinci-chan's fault~!
Mash: That was a close call. I was going to carelessly wish to enter a crazy time where might makes right, people wear rivet-covered clothes and laugh like "Hyahahaha!", and we'd have to protect an old man's seed rice! If I had said that, we might have rayshifted into some terrible place.
Fujimaru: Actually... I want to go to the world of an Immortan who hails the V8 and sprays silver paint all over his mouth! If I had said that, it would have been even worse.
Kongming: You two. The worlds you mentioned aren't all that different.
Fujimaru: But, terrible or not, this was all supposed to be virtual training, so I thought it would be most effective to train in a ravaged wasteland without any water or air, and that's why I came to the moon, but...
Fujimaru: They've terraformed the hell outta this place!
Mash: This rickety wooden school building, the swirling petals of cherry blossoms, and the colorful sky at sunset... It's incredible. No matter how you look at it, it is like the scenery of rural Japan!
Kongming: However, your coordinates definitely place you on the surface of the moon. The far side, to be precise. Although there was a movie where the Nazis fled to the moon and constructed a secret base... I never thought of a timeline where the Japanese built a school like this on the far side of the moon. What sort of history brought about this outcome?
Da Vinci: Perhaps it was Japan that applied all its wildest ideas to construct an ultramassive submarine fleet and sought the most favorable defeat, eventually crushing Germany in war?
Fujimaru: Either way, this place doesn't feel like the moon at all! Shouldn't there be like, a giant cannon blasting us off on a trip to the moon, or a Moon with a Light and a Mile, or masters of idolatry doing some sorta Xenoglossia thing!?
Dr. Roman: The moon was broken to pieces in that last one...
Da Vinci: Oh! And if we're talking about the moon, I've heard of a robot that costed over 2 trillion yen to build, and when you chant the Heart Sutra to it, it'll fly—
Dr. Roman: Such a wacky robot doesn't exist, and don't even think about inventing one!
Da Vinci: Bah!
Fujimaru: ?! Mash, over there!
Fujimaru: We've found our first terraformer!
Mash: Will we be okay? That thing looks like it could easily come up and snap our neck out of nowhere!
Fujimaru: It appears to be humming a song while cleaning the school. It doesn't look that much dangerous.
???: ~~~ Upanishad~
Mash: That... sounds like the Upanishad's theme song.
Dr. Roman: Eh? The Indian philosophy of the Upanishad has a theme song?
Fujimaru: He noticed us! He's coming here!
???: ...? ...??? ...???
???: Hahahaha! I see now, I see now! If such a virtuous being appears before you, I would not fault you for wondering if this may be Nirvana. But you have not purged yourselves out of your aghatiya karmas? You thought an arihant was supposed to become siddha after reaching nirvana? Is this real? But fear not, for I am here at your service! HALLELUJAH!
Mash: What is this? Future-ese?
Fujimaru: I don't think so...?
Mash: But I don't understand a thing he's saying!
???: Oh, so you can't?
???: Indeed. This is one of the eight dukkhas, the inability to control the five skandhas. Truly, all is suffering, is it not? But worry not, for is God an extreme sadist who subjects us only to trials which we can overcome?! Tell a lie, and not even a gift of a thousand hooks will be able to soothe Hoderi-no-Mikoto's rage. Truly, may the world praise the Buddha of infinite light! AMEN! Hahahaha!
Mash: Senpai, is there a cooling-off period for this? Which manufacturer should we ship him back to?
Fujimaru: C-Calm down, Mash. No matter where we are, greetings are important. Let's introduce ourselves first and—
???: Yes! I shall answer any questions I can. I am also known as Gatou Monji.
Gatou Monji: I am the super truth-seeking monk who has traversed all religions, and attained the truth of all. Call my name and I shall immediately come to beg for alms!
Fujimaru: Ah, okay. We are—
Gatou Monji: There is no need. That woman over there, she's a Servant, is she not?
Dr. Roman: Not only does he know of Servants, he can also recognize them?
Gatou Monji: Then you too, have wandered in here seeking the Holy Grail so that you may escape this predicament?
Kongming: The Holy Grail?!
Dr. Roman: Wait. There was too much chaos to check this before, but... He's telling the truth. It's very faint, but I'm getting Grail-like readings somewhere near you!
Da Vinci: Ooh, could this be an unexpected Grand Order?
Fujimaru: The Holy Grail... it's here?!
Gatou Monji: It is!
Mash: But where?
Gatou Monji: Wait. Now I do not know the specifics either, but if you enter the dungeon over there and reach its depths, you may find what you seek.
Dr. Roman: Yeah, I heard that loud and clear. Could this be a happy accident? Or a truth created from a lie? We've initiated an unexpected Grand Order!
Kongming: Now that we know it's here, we have to obtain it. As a general, I shall support you in any way I can from here.
Fujimaru: Thanks, I'm glad to have you on my side!
Fujimaru: Yeah. Let's go, Mash! We won't let some dungeon stop us!
Fujimaru & Mash: AAAARRGGHHH!!!
Fujimaru & Mash panting
Fujimaru: WE COULDN'T OVERCOME THE DUNGEON!
Gatou Monji: Oh! That was a short trip.
Fujimaru: Hold on! Hold on! The battle system is too different!
Mash: We were careless. A different worldview means a different combat system as well. Ours was like: Quick! Arts! Buster!
Dr. Roman: Yeah, the process looked quite different, as far as I could tell. It was like... Uhhh... Cute, Cool, Passion?
Da Vinci: No, it's Vocal, Visual, Dance?
Fujimaru: It was Attack, Guard, and Break!
???: Oh my, you're communicating with some rather interesting individuals, just like you said.
Dr. Roman: Hm, who's that woman? Wait, a Servant?!
???: Yes ♥
Fujimaru: Oh, right. The only thing we accomplished in that dungeon was meeting up with them.
Mash: They seem to be searching for the Holy Grail in this world too.
???: I am the foremost Heroic Spirit of wifehood in the Servant world, Tamamo-no-Mae.
Tamamo: And as for this lovely girl beside me who's unable to speak for certain reasons, would be darling— I mean, my Master~
Kongming: Hm? Her mouth appears to be moving on the screen, though. So she's not mute, she just has a very quiet voice? It's possible to understand what she's saying as long as we watch her lips?
Dr. Roman: Oh, lip-reading?
Kongming: Let's see... "My... name is... Francis Xav—"
Dr. Roman: Is that right?! Are you sure you're lip-reading right?!
Da Vinci: Rather than that, look at her getup, a pair of glasses, a school swimsuit, and knee socks?
Kongming: This... is also... Tamamo's... doing."
Gatou Monji: What an ascetic! To face night-certain death in such little armor! Such abandonment of the world rivals that of those who sail to Mt. Potalaka!
Tamamo: Uhh, Head Cheerleader Gatou-san? As you can see, all we managed to do was rescue a pair who were trapped in the dungeon. Far from clearing the Sakura Labyrinth, to obtain the Grail is still but a dream within a dream.
Fujimaru: Oh right, that! The Grail! Is it really in there?
Tamamo: Of course it is! A magical quantum computer composed of photonic crystal nearly as large as the moon itself said to be the oldest artifact in the solar system, left by an alien civilization. That's the Grail you speak of, is it not?
Fujimaru: That's different from the Grail we're looking for! Very different!
Dr. Roman: What do you mean, uh, Tamamo-san, if you don't mind me calling you that?
Tamamo: Of course, I don't mind! Now that you mention it, you still haven't told us your name.
Dr. Roman: Ah... That was rude of me. Sorry about that. I am Romani Archaman. You can call me Roman or Doctor. And here we have Da Vinci-chan and...
Kongming: For some reason, I am called Kongming.
Tamamo: Oh my! By Kongming, you mean that famous Zhuge Kongming?!
Kongming: Well, a special instance, but yes.
Tamamo: That Kongming who goes "Hawawa, enemies have come!?"
Kongming: I was thinking you might say that.
Tamamo: The Kongming who was famous for playing the electric guitar in a duel against Himiko?
Kongming: I wasn't expecting to hear that! Anyways, what kind of messed up Kongming is that?
Dr. Roman: Now that we've finished introducing ourselves... For the time being, that dungeon doesn't seem to have the Holy Grail we're looking for, right?
Fujimaru: I can't say for sure, but it sounds like something slightly different despite having the same name.
Tamamo: Even if what you told us while we're escaping from the dungeon is correct, I don't believe we've seen or sensed any such artifacts or divergence. So would you like to enter the dungeon once more? Aah— I'll enter first, so you two can enter later and meet up with us on the inside. The reason? You see, I'm technically evil-aligned, so I can't enter the dungeon with anyone who's good.
Kongming: I've heard of that system before...
Mash: Uhm... So where should we go then?
Gatou Monji: Shoukokyakka, right?
Gatou Monji: Start not by seeking enlightenment within others, but rather, look within your own essence. Likewise, before you argue with others, look at your own footing and reflect upon your own failings. In other words, watch your step. You should start with what is closest to your own self.
Dr. Roman: In other words... what?
Kongming: I see. This world works differently from ours, so it is possible that the Holy Grail exists in a different form as well?
Gatou Monji: Indeed!
Da Vinci: I see!
Dr. Roman: Uhmm... so, in other words...
Kongming: In other words, the very process of obtaining the Holy Grail may be considerably different from what we are familiar with.
Tamamo: Oya? Master? What is it?
Kongming: Hm? Let's see... "It could be that... what you're looking for... might be very close to you?" Hm. I believe that to be extremely likely as well.
Fujimaru: I see! So the Holy Grail isn't in the dungeon. Instead, it might be somewhere in the school we started at!
Mash: We won't have to fight then? Just treasure hunting?
Kongming: If you trigger a specific flag, it might even appear all on its own.
Da Vinci: Trigger a fla— Aah! You mean like sitting in a bath of boiling oil, with a candle floating in it for a certain amount of time?
Fujimaru: I feel like I've heard of that somewhere before!
Tamamo: I see, Gatou-san, please do it!
Gatou Monji: Hahaha! Are you trying to kill me, you fox?
Mash: School... Flag... Could it be...? May a heart-exciting situation will trigger the flag?
Da Vinci: That sounds fun! Like someone traps you against a wall or accidentally touching each other's hands while reaching for the same book in the library!
Tamamo: I see, Gatou-san, please don't do it.
Gatou Monji: Of course not! Such things should be left to Sessyoin!
Fujimaru: But these cliche situations seem like those you can see on every TV show events...
Tamamo: Ah, in this world, we sometimes get forced to watch this program called "CC Channel~" so TV-like events are okay too, right~?
Fujimaru: Seriously, what's wrong with this lunar world?!
Tamamo: Well, hm? Oh, that might be it!
Mash: What might be it?
Tamamo: Mikon~! If you're looking for something particular to this world, then I just thought of one!
Dr. Roman: And that is?!
Tamamo: That is... You might find it once you break down the walls within your heart.
Da Vinci: I see! So you really do need a heart-exciting situation in your memorials to trigger fla—
Tamamo: No, not that heart-exciting stuff. I mean physically.
Da Vinci: Physically...
Tamamo: You physically break them.
Da Vinci: Break them...
Kongming: What is it? "This... Code Cast I'm using... Myriad-Colored Eternal Stasis... can break... down... walls." A magic derived from the esoteric Buddhism of the Far East?
Myriad-Colored Eternal Stasis = Ten Thousand Colored Stagnation
Dr. Roman: I see... I've researched some more, based on what you've just said. Okay, Mash, please listen.
Dr. Roman: The Holy Grail is... inside you.
Mash: ... Excuse me?
Dr. Roman: It must have been an accident or side-effect of your manifestation in this timeline. The Holy Grail inside you... no, actually it's far too small to be called that, but a cluster of mana has either entered or materialized within you.
Mash: ... Eh? EEEEEEHHHHH!?!
Fujimaru: Can't you take it out on your own?
Mash: Absolutely not! I didn't even know it was there!
Tamamo: Ah, taking it out is very simple~
Tamamo: Yes. Long story short, in order to break down your walls, you need to take the most secret and precious place on a girl's body that she never wants anyone to touch and break it! ❤️
Mash: visible confusion ... Huh?
Tamamo: And. Break. It~ ❤️
Mash: Wh... WHAAATT?!?!
Kongming: Pardon me, your logic is too eccentric for my mind to keep up. Specifically...
Tamamo: Well, you have to undergo lewd act—
Fujimaru: Tamamo, is there a gentler way to—
Fujimaru: Yeah, please go easy on her. At least go with the heart-exciting situations we mentioned earlier...
Da Vinci: Ah, like you become friends when you pick up her dropped handkerchief, give her an anthology of Goethe's poems on her birthday, and then get to have an intense bonding experience over a three-legged race?
Mash: Oh, I-I wouldn't mind that...
Dr. Roman: "There's a candied yam in your hair," like that?
Mash: Doctor, shut up please.
Dr. Roman: Okay...
Gatou Monji: "You're gonna build the Horyu Temple in my heart overnight!" like that?
Mash: Why's the monk joining in on this conversation?!
Gatou Monji: How foolish! What are you trying to say?! Even the theme song of the famed Buddhism monk, Ikkyuu Soujin, goes "Love you, Love you," etc. and then "I. Love. You!" It is a song overflowing with love! The epitome of agápē! This is unconditional love! Everlasting love! Love strong enough to drive Zeus to infidelity! And even Hera is in a frothing rage!
Tamamo: Hm, if you don't want such situations, how about just going through the motions at least? In concrete terms, let's go to the school store to buy glasses, a school swimsuit, and knee socks.
Gatou Monji: Your desires are out in full force, aren't they?
Da Vinci: Hm, let's think about this rationally. She's showing her navel with her current outfit so that would just show even less skin!
Mash: How is that rational?! And besides, I'm going to get equipment that covers my navel in the future!
Da Vinci: Eh? You're gonna hide it? You're gonna cover it up? Are you going to wear full-body tights with a stars-and-stripes pattern?
Kongming: Why would she need a stars-and-stripes pattern?!
Da Vinci: She uses a shield as her main weapon, so she's already more than qualified to be an American comic book hero, right?
Kongming: You have a very broad view of American comics!
Gatou Monji: Umu. I suggest you to refrain from wielding and dogs, though.
Fujimaru: Okay, we're derailing! This conversation has gone far off-track, okay!!
Tamamo: Aaaah! Too troublesome! Master, let's just use your Code Cast and hit her with a BAM!!
Tamamo: Don't worry, you will only experience embarrassment to the point of death.
Mash: I have never heard of anyone being embarrassed to death!
Tamamo: In mercy of a samurai... She'll take you to another room so that this man doesn't hear anything while she gently expose your secrets. Isn't that right, my darling?
Kongming: Hm... "Hey, quite smashing, quite smashing"
Dr. Roman: Are you sure you're lip-reading right?!
Tamamo: Do not worry. At first, you'll be left flashing the "Double Peace" sign in the end, that's all~
Mash: I am NOT relieved!!!
Dr. Roman: Right, we'll at least shut off our communications, so...
Mash: Why does this have to happen to me?! AAHH! There's an indecently-dressed, fox-eared Servant, and some girl wearing glasses, a school swimsuit, and knee socks that are coming over to me! Senpai! SENPAI!!
Back at Chaldea
Dr. Roman: Hey, good work out there!
Da Vinci: My goodness, that was one heck of a training session, right?
Kongming: Look who's talking.
Mash: I experienced something as horrible as dying... I can't go on anymore...
Da Vinci: She's giving the 'Double Peace' sign with a look of despair on her face.
Mash: Despite being the same gender... her dirty deeds done dirt cheap have left my heart in tatters... If I'm going to disappear, I want to go beyond the brilliant future and disappear in there.
Fujimaru: Hey, uh... Mash, please listen...
Fujimaru: Everything that had happened today has thought me something very important.
Fujimaru: That's right. You can search high and low, but sometimes, what really matters is just right next to you all along. Like in Maetherlink's fairy tales, the blue bird is always right beside you.
Mash: By that, you mean...
Fujimaru: From here on out, I want you to be with me, and be my strength, Mash.
Fujimaru: Yeah... Mash... you look wonderful in those glasses!
Tamamo: True, she does~
Mash: Eh? What?
Gatou Monji: Yes, what a beautiful thing being in good terms is!
Fujimaru: coughs Pro-Professor! What's going on?!
Kongming: Hm... when you returned, they were transported here as well for some reason.
Fujimaru: Why?! Transported?! Why?!
Tamamo: Well, you told us all about your situation when we were leaving the dungeon, didn't you? So my master, as the main character, she couldn't just ignore your troubles! So this time, the Holy Grail granted her wish by transporting her here.
Kongming: Hmm... "Don't worry, leave it to me."
Da Vinci: Wow! The Holy Grail really is omnipotent!
Tamamo: After you left us, we had to face various trials and hardships, and after overcoming them all, she made this decision. As a Heroic Spirit wife, I shall obediently abide by it. Well, I'll just take a little detour from the main quest of winning over my darling, and get this sub-scenario out of the way real quick!
Fujimaru: So we're just a side-story...
Tamamo: And I heart that if I reach level 80 in this world, I can DNA Digivolve into a more splendorous form~
Fujimaru: Just how much of our resources are you going to demand?!
Dr. Roman: Anyway, Gatou-san! Why are you here too?!
Gatou Monji: My situation is the same as that of Kongming over there. I was summoned here as the medium of a Heroic Spirit! So it became possible for me to be summoned!
Kongming: Impossible! You were possessed by a Heroic Spirit like I was, in a medium summoning?! But who would...? I doubt he's someone as powerful as En-no-Ozunu. Could he be Xuánzàng Sānzàng? I'd have to laugh if that were the case.
Da Vinci: By monk Sānzàng, you mean that person? The one that rides the Somersault Cloud, breathes fire, and controls water?
Fujimaru: You're getting it all mixed up! The monk Sānzàng that has those three powers is someone else entirely!
Tamamo: If only he had some defining physical features...
Fujimaru: Physical features... Hm... you mean like the monk Baozhi, who had a statue of the Buddha emerge from his cracked head?
Tamamo: That's it!
Da Vinci: Split him open!
Gatou Monji: AH?! You monsters!!
Fujimaru: Okay then, how about the type that has a statue of the Buddha come out of his split chest?
Kongming: Wait! That's Ragora, also known as Rahula, the Buddha's son! He's kind of a big deal!
Da Vinci: Split him open!
Gatou Monji: PROMETHEUS!!!
Mash (Narration): And so, an unexpected event created an unexpected adventure and unexpected bonds. And, my distance from Senpai also in an unexpected way... Isn't that right, Senpai? I also noticed it. Yes, it is the darkest beneath the candlestick. Surprisingly enough, the things most precious to you are always the closest.
Gatou Monji: Gah! Stop messing with me, you bastards!
Da Vinci: What should we do? How about we just shoot him full of arrows and call him Saint Sebastian?
Gatou Monji: MONA LISA !!!