Almost Weekly Santa Alter
Prologue: The Dark Santa
Mash:
I must say, Senpai, it's a great day for gift-giving—
and Chaldea is in Christmas mode!
Fou:
Fou, fooou!
Mash:
...Huh?
Senpai's gone, Fou.
Mash:
Are you taking a shower, Senpai?
Or using the toilet?
Mash:
How... ...Nowhere to be found...
But there's no doubt Senpai was in this room...
Mash:
There's no record of a heat signature leaving this room in the last hour either— It's as if...
Mash:
Clearly, there's been some kind of foul play here!
Let's go get the Doctor!
Fujimaru 1:
—Huh?
???:
Emerging from the Rayshift tunnel, your eyes were met with the sight of a field blanketed in snow...
???:
A most literary beginning. The use of the second-person lends a certain subtlety to the sentence.
Don't you think, Fujimaru?
Fujimaru 1:
That voice! Could it be—?!
Santa Alter:
Ha! A lively response. I am possessed of a sudden desire to kick you in your arse.
Santa Alter:
Though our contract is but a temporary one,
any Master seeking to transport me must be as so.
Fujimaru 1:
You were in the Massive Cavern?
Santa Alter:
...No. This is my first meeting with you.
Can you not tell from my attire?
Santa Alter:
I've certainly never been defeated by you, and have, under no circumstances, been brooding over it.
Santa Alter:
I was simply in a foul mood, especially my stomach.
All because Archer wouldn't cook a sound meal.
Santa Alter:
...No, that is not it.
I am precisely as you see me to be.
Fujimaru 2:
A mi-miniskirt... Alter
Santa Alter:
...A m-miniskirt, you say?
Well, I suppose one could see it as such.
Santa Alter:
But mind it not, and allow me to say this in advance.
One who would be Santa is unbothered by the cold!
Santa Alter:
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Santa Alter.
I am a Santa Claus of Evil who slashes apart the icy breath of Midwinter!
Santa Alter:
...You seem to misunderstand me. I merely wish to express my daily gratitude by delivering presents to all.
Santa Alter:
However— After going through the trouble of gathering presents, I have lost my means of transporting them.
Santa Alter:
The reindeer that I had hired previously to pull my sleigh have all run away in fear.
Santa Alter:
What a bunch of cowards. All I did was use Excalibur Morgan as a jet engine to propel us into the stratosphere.
Santa Alter:
I could pull the sleigh myself, but such a thing would tarnish the dignity of Santa Claus.
Santa Alter:
I cannot capture the heart of children everywhere without a reindeer. Which is why— You understand, don't you, good Fujimaru?
Santa Alter:
It is for that purpose alone that I have unsummoned you here by force.
Santa Alter:
As a part of my daily gratitude to you,
I bestow upon you the honor of being my reindeer.
Fujimaru 1:
This is part of your duty as a king?
Santa Alter:
No. I am not a king here, but a Santa Claus!
Kindly refer to me in those terms.
Fujimaru 2:
You didn't have anyone else you could ask, did you?
Santa Alter:
That is untrue! Of those I considered there was one, at least, with promise!
Santa Alter:
But they were rather hesitant, and worse yet,
extremely frail. Thus, I sent them packing.
Santa Alter:
However, their eyes were so bright they would have made a perfect red-nosed reindeer...
Santa Alter:
Honestly... Even if it is Christmastime, one should have limits to how much one lets loose.
Santa Alter:
...No, wait a moment.
It seems the presents have drawn some uninvited guests.
Santa Alter:
And I was in the middle of my presentation...
But there's nothing to be done about it. Take up your sword, Fujimaru.
Santa Alter:
Your body shall know what it means to go into battle with Santa—!
--BATTLE--
Santa Alter:
As you can see, many try to target Santa Claus.
Reindeer must be as strong as their master.
Santa Alter:
Now then, you understand what I'm saying, don't you?
You are now my reindeer. I won't hear any objections.
Santa Alter:
Rest assured, I am a Santa and not a demon.
If you work hard, I shall grant you your life, at least—
Fujimaru 1:
Yes, ma'am, I'm ready to start right now!
Fujimaru 2:
Yes, Santa Alter!
Santa Alter:
Humph! That was a quick response!
Are you a lion cub, unschooled in fear? How promising!
Santa Alter:
Nonetheless, it was a good answer. I am pleased.
Now, let us start immediately.
Santa Alter:
First, let us storm this house nearby.
As Santa, I must attack from the skies.
Santa Alter:
Now, board the sleigh, Master!
I shall enlighten you on the ways of Santa!
1st Night: Little Darius
Santa Alter:
Forward, my soldiers! Tear through the darkness!
Plunge into the blizzard! Wander! Wander!
Fujimaru 1:
This sleigh really flies through the air!
Santa Alter:
Naturally. One who would be Santa must be able to traverse the skies. We must deliver presents to the children around the world.
Santa Alter:
I've dubbed this sleigh Llamrei Unit II.
You may relax your guard and entrust yourself to it.
Fujimaru 2:
Why are you yelling?!
Santa Alter:
Insolent fool!
I am not yelling. I am singing!
Santa Alter:
By announcing my presence this way, I can also avoid running into airplanes! It's common sense for a Santa!
Santa Alter:
Good. We are approaching our destination.
Prepare yourself, Fujimaru.
Santa Alter:
The return address of this “Dear Santa” letter is in Persia. A request from Darius, aged 3.
Santa Alter:
...Hmm. The writing is so black and smeared I can't read it at all. Well, I'm sure once I see his face, I'll know what present he'd like.
Santa Alter:
Let us go! We shall enter from this magnificent chimney!
Lu Bu:
[[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]!
[[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]!
Phantom:
Ahh... The iron lament that surpasses the vocal cords...
Echoing from the depths of the hollow, the enamored yet hate-filled voice of a young girl's lingering affections as she “sings” of death...
Phantom:
Specifically, I should call it the raging moans of a girl who can no longer abide her hunger. Ahh, how unsightly yet adorable—!
Phantom:
Though it's a far cry from my own taste, she conveys her feelings so well it truly pains me.
Phantom:
A cry that would pierce Heaven itself. You who spews forth such hatred, I'd liken you to... Yes, a carp swimming up a waterfall.
Phantom:
Actually, you are more like a carp banner. How auspicious. Ahh, how very auspicious indeed...
And hateful, too!
Phantom:
Christine! Christine has gone so far from me! Why?
Why does fate endeavor to tear us apart yet again?
Phantom:
Couples! Christmas! Santa Claus! Whenever I hear that this is a night for loved ones, it makes me sick!
Phantom:
Don't you agree, Sir Carp Banner? Why must we, upon such a night as this, be a company entirely of men?
Santa Alter:
...What a ferocious cry from the soul. It stirs the heart too greatly. Surely, that Servant is an actor of some renown.
Fujimaru 1:
Yeah, that was quite an elegy.
Fujimaru 2:
Ehh, it was certainly a self-indulgent soliloquy.
Santa Alter:
What a splendid performance. He probably has more passion in his pinky than that cursed Tristan...
Santa Alter:
...But I can't imagine that either of them is Darius.
Also, that object in the middle of the floor...
Santa Alter:
There's nothing here but that tree-like candle in the center of the room. Does that mean Darius isn't here?
Santa Alter:
That's fine, then. I should simply turn around and leave now, but I do pity these two.
Santa Alter:
Merlin has said that when a man is widowed, his suffering surpasses the pain of Death. As Santa, I can't just leave them be.
Santa Alter:
Let us go, Fujimaru!
We shall be like the Christmas Carol that saved Scrooge!
Santa Alter:
Bow down, little ones!
Prepare to receive your presents from me!
Lu Bu:
[[File:berserkervoice2.png50px]]???
Phantom:
Oh, Christine!
You've come back to me, Christine!
Santa Alter:
Ugh. Halt, Black Mantle!
Do not approach my reindeer.
Santa Alter:
Laying hands upon your audience is a third-rate performer's action. Are you not a world-class actor after all?
Phantom:
What? I, a world-class...actor, you say?
I, the specter of this miserable underground hovel?
Santa Alter:
I never engage in flattery. You rave as though mad,
but your cries are filled with truth. So much so I am moved to tears.
Santa Alter:
But more importantly, where is the master of this castle?
The sender of this letter to Santa should be here.
Lu Bu:
[[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]!
Phantom:
Santa... Ahh, Beautiful One, what tragedy is this?
Now that I look more carefully, you are, indeed, Santa Claus!
Darius III:
Ohh... Oooohhhh!
Santa... Santaaaaaaa!
Santa Alter:
?! This candle tree moves?!
You two, just what is the meaning of this?
Lu Bu:
[[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]!
Phantom:
Die, please. Repent! And surrender what's in that bag!
Santa Claus is the one who should be struck from this world!
Darius III:
Oooohhhhh!
Presents! Gimme!
Santa Alter:
Well! Only naughty little children try to take things by force like that! We've no choice. Prepare to fight,
Fujimaru!
Santa Alter:
After all, it is also Santa's duty to give dreamy-eyed children a cold jolt of reality!
Fujimaru 1:
Yeah, but I don't see any “little children” here!
Fujimaru 2:
Santa's more violent than I'd imagined!
Santa Alter:
Minor details. Worry not!
All one really needs to be Santa is to hand out presents.
Santa Alter:
Not even Picts, and raising such a ruckus indoors?
Such poor manners. It's Christmas. Take this fight outside!
--BATTLE--
Santa Alter:
Have you learned your lesson, ruffians? The form of Santa Claus pleases me greatly but it is only a temporary one.
Santa Alter:
My true form is that of Britain's Red Dragon,
Altria, the King of Knights. Remember it well.
Lu Bu:
[[File:berserkervoice2.png50px]]...
...(looking dejected)
Darius III:
Ohhh... Santa... Claaaus...
Santa... Claaaaauuss...
Phantom:
Anguish... Anguish... Anguish...
When I think of what we've done... Oh, the anguish...
Fujimaru 1:
...Doesn't he look a little odd?
Fujimaru 2:
...Well, Your Majesty, don't welook like the bad guys here?
Santa Alter:
...Yes, it is starting to feel that way to me as well.
This being my first job, perhaps I got a bit too hot-headed.
Santa Alter:
You there. You understand the speech of these other two, correct? Is that tree Darius, aged three, by any chance?
Phantom:
Yes, he is... His king is, in fact, the green light that burns in Hell, the Lord Cyalume... And who might you be, my lady?
Santa Alter:
I already told you I was Santa Claus.
Now, accept your presents.
Lu Bu:
[[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]!
Darius III:
Ohhhh!
Presents! Gimme!!
Santa Alter:
There, there.
This is for you.
Santa Alter:
Since you would die before you could ever use a Noble Phantasm, use this to amass a little motivation, or perhaps a little love.
Lu Bu:
[[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]!
Darius III:
Hurraaaaay!
Santa Alter:
As for you, Black Mantle, I shall give you... Yes, this.
Phantom:
Oh! This is the very thing I have lost! My love, my light!
Christine! You've brought her back to me!
Santa Alter:
As I said, do not come near my reindeer.
We are busy. We have a mountain of work to do.
Santa Alter:
Let us go, Fujimaru. Santa should be as a passing breeze. We must not stay long.
Santa Alter:
And it is painful to have to leave a party early, since my hunger is never satiated.
Santa Alter:
Well, then— Farewell, little ones!
Let us meet again next year! Merry Christmas!
Santa Alter:
All right. They were the perfect companions for some light warm-up. Now it's time for you to work, my reindeer.
Santa Alter:
From now until the end of Christmas, many more battles await us, I am sure.
Santa Alter:
At each stop, gather the stockings and bring them to me.
Stockings are the crystallizations of the hearts of children seeking presents...
Santa Alter:
It is by the power of such magical energy that Santa Claus traverses the globe. In other words, you could call it our fuel.
Santa Alter:
The more you gather, the greater the reward I shall bestow upon you. Remember that as you go about your work.
Santa Alter:
The next “Dear Santa” letter is on the 2nd.
Let us build up our party until then!
2nd Night: Her Name is Little Marie
Santa Alter:
Good work with your reindeer training. You're fighting Christmas monsters when you have time, right?
Santa Alter:
Thanks to your efforts, the fuel for my sleigh...
The Santa Points have been building up nicely.
Santa Alter:
Now I can deliver the next present.
Good work, Fujimaru.
Santa Alter:
Let's go over this one more time Christmas celebrates the birth of a certain person.
Santa Alter:
It is the mass of Christ, hence the word Christmas.
Santa Alter:
These days, Christmas Eve is December 24th,
and the 25th itself is Christmas.
Santa Alter:
But the original period was much longer. His birth was celebrated for days, reaching its peak on the 25th.
Santa Alter:
In other words, beginning my advance this early is Santa's old way of doing it.
Fujimaru 1:
You're doing it the classic way.
Santa Alter:
Of course. Function follows form. Destroying everything thoroughly is the classic way to win.
Fujimaru 2:
Advance? Like a military advance?
Santa Alter:
...
...
Santa Alter:
I see our destination. Give me your magical energy, Reindeer!
Santa Alter:
This “Dear Santa” letter is from Marie, a girl who lives in France.
Santa Alter:
Two of her friends are always fighting, so she wants a present to bring them together, it says.
Santa Alter:
Humph. How stupid.
Santa only grants one's own wishes.
Santa Alter:
I have no presents to bring happiness to other people.
What does this Marie think Christmas is about, anyway?
Fujimaru 1:
Sounds like a mistake Marie would make.
Santa Alter:
That's right. If she wants to bring them together,
she should pick a present herself.
Santa Alter:
She should do what I did. I once sent two knights who were fighting a single horse, and told them this...
Santa Alter:
“This is for the one who thinks they're better than the other.” I knew this would test them and form a friendship.
Santa Alter:
It worked perfectly. They stopped arguing in front of others. Although they were trying so hard not to snap at each other when they smiled, but oh well.
Santa Alter:
That was Agravain's idea.
Aggy always gave me the best advice.
Fujimaru 2:
Sounds like a mistake you'd make.
Santa Alter:
I'm not making any mistakes.
Santa Alter:
Santa brings gifts.
She does not bring happiness.
Santa Alter:
Whether the gifts bring happiness depends on if the little ones have been good or not.
Santa Alter:
...Hmm? This should be the insertion point...
But it's a snowy field.
Santa Alter:
The French Marie is without a doubt a member of the royal family.
Santa Alter:
I was expecting her Christmas party to be nationwide chaos, with mountains of expensive turkeys...
???:
Found you!
That's your last airspace violation, Santa Claus!
Santa Alter:
What!? We're 2,000 meters in the air!
Don't you think that's crazy?
???:
That's my line!
What's with that hippo sleigh? Are you kidding me?
???:
Also a date in the sky with Master was going to be my thing! Don't steal it from me!
Fujimaru 1:
What is that eagle...bird?
Santa Alter:
That's a hippogriff, Reindeer.
It's often mistaken for a griffin.
Santa Alter:
I mistake them often myself. Neither is as good as a dragon, so don't waste time remembering.
???:
ARGH! Don't think that firepower equals strength!
How short-sighted can you be?
Fujimaru 2:
Wow, that's so cool!
???:
Huh...it is? Am I... Cool?
I'm used to being called cute...
???:
...but “cool” is new. You're making me blush... Hehe.
Santa Alter:
...Maybe I'll crush them. More specifically,
I'll smack you hard right between the legs.
???:
Humph. I don't like that kind of sexual prejudice.
That's not a weak point for me anyway.
???:
Hmmph, target sighted!
Marie, up here! Fire everything you've got!
Santa Alter:
What!?
Santa Alter:
We've been hit!
Grab on, Reindeer! We're crash-landing!
Santa Alter:
Tch. They shot down Santa Claus!
Is this the French way? I knew I shouldn't trust them!
d'Eon:
That's my line, you suspicious woman!
Go back to Santa Claus village!
Marie:
Oh my. That's rude to Finland, d'Eon.
The fault lies entirely with this wicked Santa.
Marie:
Hehehe. I've never felt so violent before.
It's exciting! Shooting a cannon is fun♡
Santa Alter:
Not interested in negotiations, huh?
You're after my sack of presents, aren't you?
Santa Alter:
Very well. Santa is destined to be a target for thieves.
I'll deal with you before I go see Marie.
Santa Alter:
Let's go, Master!
We can ride that merry-go-round after we're done!
Marie:
...Huh? Do I have the wrong person?
Maybe Astolfo's got bad eyesight...
Marie:
It doesn't matter. Tonight's a festival night!
Little problems will melt away with the snow.
Marie:
Vive la France!
My dear, gallant Santa, do you like snowball fights?
--BATTLE--
d'Eon:
...Such amazing bladework.
This couldn't be Santa, could it?
Marie:
Oh, didn't you realize when the fight started?
This isn't the same Santa Claus as before.
d'Eon:
I-I'm sorry... I wasn't thinking straight...
But my queen, if you noticed then why didn't you stop?
Marie:
I'm sorry, but I wanted to keep the momentum going!
You had fun too, didn't you Santa?
Santa Alter:
Of course. It's good to revisit one's childhood.
I'm sorry for being so rough with your knight.
Santa Alter:
By the way, that well-bred dog...
Are you perhaps Marie?
Marie:
Yes, I am Marie.
You read my letter, didn't you, Santa?
d'Eon:
(Dog... That Chimera was a dog? That definitely wasn't a papillon, but if the queen says so...)
Astolfo:
I'm here! ...Wait.
Is the fight over already? I don't get to fight?
Santa Alter:
So this is everyone, huh? It seems there was a misunderstanding, but it's solved now.
Santa Alter:
I'll give you your presents then.
Line up, you violent children.
Marie:
Okay!
Come on d'Eon, Astolfo, let's line up!
d'Eon:
Huh? ...I get a present too? Are you actually a nice person, even though you don't look like one?
Santa Alter:
That last part was unnecessary.
You and I should get along. You have my respect.
Santa Alter:
Men's attire in France is really elegant, isn't it, Knight?
Give me more details later. I like those frills.
d'Eon:
I am not cross-dressing!
I am a man as you can see!
Santa Alter:
...You heard them.
Anything you want to say, Hippo?
Astolfo:
Why are you asking me?
What's wrong with a girl dressing like a boy?
Astolfo:
People should wear the clothes that suit them.
I think d'Eon's letting clothes run their life, though...
d'Eon:
You're too free-spirited! You, Roland...
Are the 12 Paladins filled with nothing with perverts?
Astolfo:
Huh?
Comparing me to Roland isn't fair!
Astolfo:
He's the type who wind up in handcuffs.
I get my name in the papers!
Santa Alter:
I'm glad you're all getting along.
Let me see...
Santa Alter:
This is for you, Marie.
I hope it gives you inspiration for the Merry-Go-Round.
Marie:
Oh my! A glass horse!
Thank you, Santa!
Santa Alter:
Next is the Knight. You get this.
d'Eon:
A m-maid?
Why do I get a maid outfit? Am I supposed to wear this?
Santa Alter:
It's a message to at least make better food than the cat.
That is, if anyone will take you at this point.
d'Eon:
I'll be single for the rest of my life!
Even as a Servant!
Santa Alter:
I see. I think we'll get along well there, too.
Give me your contact info later.
Santa Alter:
...Now then.
Astolfo:
...(Excited)
Santa Alter:
Let's go, Reindeer.
Farewell, and see you next year!
Astolfo:
H-Hold it—!
What about me? What do I get, Santa?
Santa Alter:
Nothing! He who does not fight shall not get presents!
You were too lazy to save Orleans!
d'Eon:
She's got you there.
Even Atalante showed up as an enemy.
Astolfo:
What!?
That wasn't my fault!
Astolfo:
The France chapter ended a long time ago!
That means I couldn't possibly—oww!?
Marie:
Oh my. I guess Santa gave you a present after all.
Marie:
A Halloween pumpkin...
What does that mean?
Astolfo:
Um... Maybe that I'm cute like a pumpkin?
Astolfo:
Aww, she said those mean things but she actually loves me... Tehehe.
d'Eon:
No, I think she's saying you're an idiot who was late for the party. This is a Craft Essence that's past its expiration date.
Marie:
Oh, I get it! It means
“You won't be in anything until next year's Halloween.”
Astolfo:
What? —I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-LE!
That can't be right! I'll be back sooner than that!
3rd Night: Heartbreak☆Jean Kay
Santa Alter:
So here we are. This time our “Dear Santa” letter is from Jean Kay, address unknown.
Santa Alter:
I guess she makes a living as an assassin, so has no specific address. Right now she's hiding in those caves.
Fujimaru 1:
Are you talking about Jing Ke?
Santa Alter:
It's Jean Kay, I think. How am I supposed to know how to pronounce it, I don't speak Chinese.
Fujimaru 2:
What did she ask for?
Santa Alter:
The mental fortitude to remain calm in adversity,
and a pair of easy-to-draw double daggers.
Santa Alter:
By the way, Fujimaru.
Do you hear that strange sound?
Santa Alter:
It's like someone's repeatedly hitting heavy meat with a blunt object, or endlessly pounding a bag filled with sand.
Fujimaru 1:
...I've got a bad feeling about this.
Fujimaru 2:
...I can guess who that is.
Santa Alter:
You're pretty perceptive. I wouldn't have guessed.
...Well, once we go inside, we'll find out even if we don't want to.
Santa Alter:
This time it's a cave, so there's no chimney here.
We'll go in through that door in the front.
Martha:
Hahh! Hahh! Whew!
What's wrong! With people! On Christmas?!
Martha:
They say it's about celebrating His birth, so why!
Are all these couples! Exchanging presents!
Martha:
No, it's fine. It's fine, Martha.
Showing your beloved how you feel is a good thing.
Martha:
The problem is! Wimps! Who can't even ask a girl out!
Unless it's on Christmas!
Martha:
And His birthday was October, anyway!
Martha:
And why are they playing!
Sappy pop songs! On a day! Like this!?
Santa Alter:
...It fell. No, it snapped.
The chain holding that sandbag just snapped.
Fujimaru 1:
I saw
Ushiwakamaru:
You've got that right, Martha. If someone wants to send presents, they can do it any time.
Ushiwakamaru:
I went and got the enemy general's head for my brother the instant the idea came to me. He refused it for some reason, though.
Ushiwakamaru:
...My Lord said something similar, actually.
Ushiwakamaru:
I went hunting monsters, and they said they wanted a demon's heart, not their head. “Stop that, it's scary,” they said.
Ushiwakamaru:
Hehe... Both them and my brother want so little.
It's such a virtue to be so not-greedy.
Ushiwakamaru:
I think they said something about needing eyeballs a while ago.
Ushiwakamaru:
If they want me to do it, I'll pull all the eyeballs off a Demon God pillar, but...
Ushiwakamaru:
Unfortunately, I've been given no such order.
I wish they'd give me some kind of mission...
Ushiwakamaru:
...so crazy that it could make you shiver just hearing about it...
Santa Alter:
Fujimaru, do you know that woman who doesn't know how to work out her stress problems,
or the loyal dog with the broken brakes?
Santa Alter:
Well, it doesn't matter. Excuse me!
I'm told Jean Kay is here!
Martha:
Huh? Who's there!
How long have you been there?
Fujimaru 1:
Since just now. I mean it.
Fujimaru 2:
I saw nothing. I saw nothing.
Santa Alter:
Reindeer is right.
We're here to see Jean Kay.
Santa Alter:
I'm not at all interested in the things you were saying that would freak out Master if they heard them.
Martha:
—Ahem. So you're here for Jing Ke, right?
Martha:
Welcome to this distant cave, which normally no one should ever visit.
Martha:
I can see you're two... Um, two travelers, right?
Please, sit down.
Martha:
I'll get dinner ready. Once you have some warm soup,
please kindly get out, okay?
Santa Alter:
No need for that. Once we're done here we will leave.
Where is Jean Kay?
Ushiwakamaru:
You mean Jing Ke?
Oh, she's...
Jing Ke:
What's up?
Did somebody call me—?
Jing Ke:
Oh, looks like we've got more company!
Hey Martha, are you going to cook?
Jing Ke:
Add in an order of seared beef, too.
Some sea turtle soup would also be great!
Jing Ke:
Everything you make is delicious, Martha. I don't know why the world's men aren't banging down your door.
Martha:
You're so lazy! All you do is lay around and you never help with the cooking.
Martha:
If I had my staff I'd be teaching you a lesson, Jing Ke!
What happened to the normal, gallant you?
Jing Ke:
Aww. C'mon, just make it! Pretty please!
I really like the meat dishes you make!
Jing Ke:
Yukhoe? Is that what you call that stuff? Those thin slices of beef you eat raw. It's so good with wine!
Jing Ke:
But how do you manage to grind the meat without a blade?
Santa Alter:
Wha—t is this?
Fujimaru 1:
Definitely a drunk!
Fujimaru 2:
Definitely a cutie!
Jing Ke:
Hmm? Ushiwakamaru, did you get smaller?
What's with the black clothes? Going to war?
Ushiwakamaru:
I'm sorry, honored guests.
Ushiwakamaru:
Jing Ke began drinking to recover from a traumatic event, and that was ten days ago. Now she's totally toasted.
Santa Alter:
I see... She couldn't wait for me, huh?
I should've come here first. Forgive me.
Santa Alter:
But don't worry. Santa Claus is here for you,
little drunkard... No, I mean office lady!
Santa Alter:
I've come to deliver your present!
Ushiwakamaru:
What? Did you say Santa Claus?
Now that you mention it, you do dress like one...
Martha:
...Heh, you've got guts. What makes you think you can just come back and... Never mind.
Martha:
I'm gonna smash up your face!
Get ready, you villain!
Jing Ke:
What? Another Santa? Give me a gift card for a good yakiniku place! I want some beef tongue!
Fujimaru 1:
I knew they'd attack us!
Fujimaru 2:
What did Santa do?
Santa Alter:
...Looks like this is starting to make sense.
Santa Alter:
There's lots I want to ask, but it can wait until after the battle.
Santa Alter:
You young ladies who want to spend your Christmas having a party in a gloomy cave—
Santa Alter:
This is a royal order! Once I beat you, go try and find yourselves boyfriends!
--BATTLE--
Jing Ke:
I lost—!
So close! I just needed nine more steps!
Ushiwakamaru:
I give up—!
Martha:
Tch... How could I lose twice to this thief...
Is it the staff? ...Am I not cut out for a staff after all?
Santa Alter:
Hmph. You've finally calmed down, huh?
You seem to have it out for Santa Claus.
Santa Alter:
Something happened, right? Tell me.
Martha:
What do you mean? A Santa Claus came here before.
Martha:
When I said, “Yay! Presents! Santa, I want a new set of German cooking knives!” and got all excited...
Ushiwakamaru:
...That Santa made us sign some weird form and then put our stamp on it...
Ushiwakamaru:
...and the next thing we knew we were forced to buy expensive presents with our own money...
Martha:
That's not all. When they found out we didn't have enough money, they confiscated our stuff!
Martha:
What is that? Some kind of new sales technique?
When did Santa Claus turn into a shady company?
Santa Alter:
That's impossible!
Santa Claus is a friend to children everywhere!
Santa Alter:
...But it seems your story is true.
As a fellow Santa, I am upset.
Fujimaru 1:
That Santa must be a fake.
Ushiwakamaru:
Come to think of it... Santa Alter's wearing black.
I didn't realize that she was Santa Claus at first.
Ushiwakamaru:
But the other Santa looked just like you'd expect Santa Claus to look.
Fujimaru 2:
Santa Alter is a good evil Santa Claus.
Jing Ke:
Hmm. That's a complicated way of calling her.
So, is she good or bad?
Martha:
...A dark Santa, huh? One that gives awful presents to bad kids.
Martha:
Kids might think she's a mean Santa, but objectively speaking, she punishes evil kids so they'll mend their ways.
Santa Alter:
That's not true at all.
I just give people the gifts they need.
Santa Alter:
I have no intention on lecturing anyone.
If you want one, you can ask an Avenger.
Santa Alter:
Anyway, I'm sorry that happened to you. Let me see...
I didn't expect to need presents for three people.
Santa Alter:
You, cold-looking woman. This is for you. The real one isn't here, but if you have this with you you'll find it.
Ushiwakamaru:
A-A ship? I might be able to do something with a small boat, but a ship this large...
Ushiwakamaru:
Well, whatever... If I sneak aboard at night and take the boss out first, the crew will all belong to me.
Santa Alter:
That's a dangerous thought. As expected from a genius dog like you. I can see why your brother has such trouble.
Santa Alter:
Next...
Martha:
Huh? I get something too?
You show compassion, even to those you fought?
Martha:
I'm sorry. I misjudged you.
You are pure-hearted, and a real Santa Claus—
Santa Alter:
This is for you. You like these, right?
Martha:
Oh my.
Martha:
...Wait a minute! I don't need this!
Why would a Saint want to get buff?
Jing Ke:
Hey, what do I get?
Don't I get a present?
Santa Alter:
Of course. You get this, Jean Kay.
Santa Alter:
This talisman will help you do your job elegantly,
and not panic in front of your target.
Jing Ke:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!
Fujimaru 1:
She loved it!
Fujimaru 2:
...She thinks it's funny?
Jing Ke:
Wonderful! I love this bearded guy—!
Wow. That kinda got me. That hit me right in the kokoro.
Jing Ke:
I'm gonna go assassinate this guy–! He's got a face that just makes you want to stab him from behind—!
Fujimaru 1:
He was already assassinated...
Fujimaru 2:
That's crazy...
Ushiwakamaru:
...I'm sorry. Jing Ke almost never gets drunk,
but when she does she's like this...
Martha:
She's been drinking ever since that Santa Claus got her... It's understandable.
Santa Alter:
Hmm... This Santa Claus was good enough to deceive tough-looking girls like you, huh?
Santa Alter:
Well, it doesn't matter.
My job is done here.
Santa Alter:
Let's go, Fujimaru!
To the next set of troubled children!
Ushiwakamaru:
They left, huh?
She turned out to be a good Santa, but...
Ushiwakamaru:
Why was my Lord wearing a reindeer costume?
Ushiwakamaru:
No, it was very cute, so it was a good Christmas present for me.
Martha:
Y-You think she's just into that?
That's how Riders are. Anyway—
Martha:
...I don't see Jing Ke, do you?
Ushiwakamaru:
Oh.
Ushiwakamaru:
—Okay, it's too late!
Let's forget about the bearded gentleman!
4th Night: Penname, Daddy-Long-Legs
Emiya:
The keel's done for! It'll break any moment now! Isn't it time a certain someone took responsibility for this mess?!
Robin:
Don't look at me! This isn't my fault! This whole thing was supposed to be the two of us going on a fishing trip!
Robin:
Being equally matched at hunting in the woods, we were supposed to take our contest to sea, so to speak.
That's when—
Emiya:
That's when— A certain idiot stowed away on our boat and waited for his chance while the two of us were busy in the hold.
Emiya:
And saying how he wanted to meet the ladies of the Southern Lands, steered our boat straight out to sea!
Emiya:
Isn't that right?
Emiya/Robin:
“King David!”
“Old Man David!”
David:
Hmm... It's one thing when young ladies call my name...
But having it shouted by you gentlemen is rather unpleasant.
David:
Now, you two. Weren't you ever taught that you must respect your elders?
David:
By the way, I'd rather like to return to the shore now. What do you say?
David:
What? The sail got broken and we ran out of our magical energy?
David:
Then this is an emergency!
Quickly, you two! Jump into the water!
David:
The boat can still hold my weight if I'm alone.
The magical energy stored should hold out too! It's simple math!
Robin:
Arrrghh! It's no use, I am about to snap—! Old man,
how can you act so high and mighty at a time like this?
Emiya:
That's how every one of the Kings of Old behaves!
In fact, I can think of one who's like a walking mass of arrogance...
Robin:
Wah! This isn't the time to stand around glaring at each other! Let's hurry up and toss some cargo overboard, at least!
Robin:
If we get done in by something like this, we'll be the laughingstock of the Servant World!
David:
The Servant World? So that's how you refer to it?
That's good to know. Thank you!
David:
Then in that case, may I ask who the current top comedian is there? I'd like to know for future reference.
Robin:
Oh, probably that one girl... The one with the dragon wings and the horns growing out of her head.
Robin:
There are lots of other talented ones too, but they fall short of her.
Emiya:
What are you babbling on about? As of now, I'd nominate the three of us for the biggest stooges!
David:
Oh yes, I'm sorry! That reminds me, do the two of you know the tale of Carneades?
David:
When a ship sank upon a stormy sea, one man was fortunate and survived the wreck by clinging to a small piece of driftwood.
David:
But there was another fortunate man who survived as well, and he swam toward the first man. Therein arose a problem.
David:
The driftwood was large enough to keep one man afloat,
but with two, it would certainly sink. Thus, the man—
Robin:
Hey, Red Mantle! What do you say we lighten our load by one person right now? Then you and I can continue our contest afterward!
Emiya:
For once, I agree with you, huntsman!
Emiya:
This is a good chance for us. We can compete to see who's the better Archer right here and now!
David:
That saddens me. Nothing ever comes from contention...
And, it's already known that I am the superior Archer...
David:
But I suppose if I were to knock you off the boat defending myself, none could blame me for it. So I shall join in your contest!
David:
Despite my appearance, I was a King of many victories.
I must warn you that I am skilled. Extremely skilled.
David:
If there were a ranking of “Most-Victorious Kings” in the Servant World, I assure you, I would occupy its top spot.
Robin:
Oh, is that so? Fine by me. Killing kings is what I do,
so I'll put you out of your misery now!
???:
Most-Victorious King? Superior Archer?
Hmph. You 3-Stars certainly talk a big game.
Robin:
!!! Look above!
Santa Alter:
Hohoho!
Step aside, you're in the way of my landing!
Robin:
...And who might you be?
We were in the middle of something just now, you know?
Santa Alter:
The invincible Santa that descends upon Christmas like this storm! That is who I am.
Robin:
Huh? Santa? Really?
But wait! The sky? You came from the sky?
Robin:
Meaning, you have some means of getting off this boat?
Santa Alter:
Naturally, I do. Due to this storm, I have left my sleigh and reindeer waiting for me above the clouds.
Santa Alter:
A proper Servant must think upon their Master's safety.
Isn't that so, Red Archer?
Robin:
Oh-hoh! Is this Servant an acquaintance of yours,
Red Mantle?
Emiya:
—(remains silent with an unreadable expression on his face)
David:
Abishag! It's you, Abishag! O Beautiful One, there can be no doubt that you are my Abishag!
David:
Ohh, to think that we would both become Servants and meet again like this! I am truly blessed!
David:
Come, warm this chilled body of mine as you did in the past. Come, hesitate not.
Santa Alter:
You are mistaken, King David.
I am Santa Alter, not Abishag.
David:
??? But with beauty such as yours you must be Abishag.
Ah. Perhaps you do not recognize me as a youth?
David:
I was an old man when I took you as my wife.
But fear not, for my heart is as true as ever it was.
David:
Be I shepherd, king, or aged man, I declare that the contents of my mind, at base, are ever unchanged!
Santa Alter:
Oh? That is well, then. In that case, you were of sound mind when proclaiming yourself the “Most-Victorious King”?
David:
Huh? Uh, yes, I suppose that...
I was indeed powerful in war.
Emiya:
...Fool... You've dug your own grave...
Santa Alter:
Then I shall see your strength tested.
Gift distribution can wait till after.
Santa Alter:
En garde, Archers!
This sword shall rectify your arrogance!
David:
Sorry, one moment, please! As I, personally, am not terribly powerful, won't you assist me, gentlemen?
Robin:
Huh? Are you completely mad?
All we want is to catch a ride on that flying sleigh...
Robin:
Though she just might do our bidding if we defeat her.
If it's a fight you want, I will gladly comply.
Robin:
A Saber-class challenging Archer-class Servants to a fight. This won't even be funny.
--BATTLE--
Robin:
Gwaah—?! Man, I messed up... Now that I look closer, you're actually a Rider-class, aren't you?
Santa Alter:
You have an Archer who attacks with a staff.
A Rider who attacks with a sack of presents should be fine as well.
David:
Hahaha! Well, there's no comeback we can make to that.
That said, my Noble Phantasm is pretty Archer-like though.
Emiya:
...Ahem. I assume we're all calmed down now?
Why, exactly, did you come here, Santa Rider?
Santa Alter:
Fool. I did not come here at my own behest.
I came in response to a “Dear Santa” letter.
Emiya:
...I see. I have a pretty good idea who the sender was.
I'll bet he asked for jewels to delight his many wives with, right?
Emiya:
Really, writing letters to Santa as a full-grown man...
What a problematic adult. Seriously.
David:
Yes, seriously problematic.
One should limit one's childish dreams.
Emiya:
What? King David... Um.
Pardon me, but wasn't it you?
David:
Of course it wasn't.
The only one I send my prayers to is our Lord in Heaven.
David:
And anyhow, isn't the idea of Santa Claus a bit scary?
It's nothing but trouble to receive gifts from someone who wishes nothing in return.
Emiya:
If it wasn't me and it wasn't King David,
that means—
Robin:
All right, all right! It was me, okay? I sent it!
Call it a temporary fit of madness–!
Santa Alter:
Don't be embarrassed. All are equally accepted in the eyes of Santa Claus. Especially you in the green. You have worked hard.
Santa Alter:
Your method of supporting your Master from the shadows rather than coddling them is most praise-worthy. Though a tad under-handed.
Santa Alter:
In contrast, you in the red. You spoil your Master too much. What are you, the mother of an exam student preparing for Exam Day?
Emiya:
Uh-uh! I object strongly to that!
I'm not at all overprotective...
Santa Alter:
These presents are for you two.
Accept them gratefully.
Robin:
!!!! Black Key Assortments?
David:
Wow, what an impressive-looking sword!
(rather half-heartedly)
Santa Alter:
Don't get too happy yet. Your real present is being prepared elsewhere. I sent word ahead of time, so it should arrive soon.
Santa Alter:
Farewell, then.
Keep your fights moderate during Christmas times!
Emiya:
She comes and goes like a storm.
I didn't even realize the real storm had passed.
Emiya:
Ah, well. At least this means we won't have to listen to the tale of Carneades now.
David:
What? Who spoke of Carneades' tale as an example to follow? That's horrendous. Let us put that man to death.
Emiya/Robin:
It was you! You haven't learned anything since the Uriah incident, have you?!
David:
Now, now. No matter how strained the situation, I am not the kind of man who would be so insensitive as that.
Robin:
...Maybe we really should just toss him overboard?
We'd be doing his Master a favor, don't you think?
Emiya:
...Agreed. His existence will only be a bad example.
Let's just say King David went back to Okeanos.
David:
I apologize, it seems your words were true. I know I am wrong now, please forgive me. Our Lord in Heaven says so, too.
David:
Rather, why don't we reflect on our battle just now?
Despite our loss, don't you think the three of us make a good team?
David:
Nameless One, with your AOE Noble Phantasm.
And Faceless One, with his single-target Noble Phantasm.
David:
And I, using aggressive evasive tactics to avoid harm,
sealing the enemy's special attacks before they are launched.
David:
Even humbly speaking, wouldn't we be a rather invincible team? We should become friends, shouldn't we?
Robin:
Hmm, that's true enough.
We wouldn't have any blind spots as a team.
Emiya:
True. We wouldn't be the most powerful team, but we're all elite Archers. With the three of us combined, there'd be no enemy who could—
Elisabeth:
Hi! I received your order and have come accordingly!
This is the location of the special Christmas concert, right?
Emiya:
Ugh, a Lancer?!
Elisabeth:
According to the client's order, since we are floating out at sea, I can let loose and sing as loud as I want...
Elisabeth:
I won't let anyone escape me tonight! Now let's jump straight into my opening number, “Love is Dracul!”
Robin:
Ah, this is the end. We're all going to the underworld with that AOE Noble Phantasm...
Santa Alter:
It seems the Home-Delivered Concert from Hell has begun.
Santa Alter:
Heh! Those accursed Archers, will drop like flies.
Fujimaru 1:
Welcome back, Santa.
Santa Alter:
Th-thank you. So you've learned to give Santa a proper greeting after all? You seem to be understanding your role as a reindeer better.
Fujimaru 2:
Did something happen down there at all?
Santa Alter:
What? I merely sent them an event worthy of Christmas.
Santa Alter:
After all, they were wondering who the top comedian in the Servant World was at present.
Santa Alter:
In any case, that concludes our detour.
Our next “Dear Santa” letter—
Santa Alter:
...comes from Uruk, from a boy named Gilgamesh?!
5th Night: Little Gilgamesh
Santa Alter:
This is the address of our next letter-sender, but—
Gilgamesh:
My letter should be arriving soon. Not that I normally take any notice of Christmas or whatever it is—
Gilgamesh:
That wretched Saber is sure to dress in that manner of getup. Such frivolity... Who would've thought she would answer to such needs so faithfully.
Gilgamesh:
It is praise-worthy for a king to endeavor to meet his subjects' expectations. Even I could perhaps learn from her example. But of course, I won't.
Gilgamesh:
No, that is not the vital point in this. What I should truly take note of is the institution of Christmas!
Gilgamesh:
It is said that however reserved and modest a woman can be, on Christmas, she cannot help but speak the truth of her heart!
Gilgamesh:
Ahh, I can't imagine any future but one in which she will confess her feelings for me! Very well. I shall allow it! Thank me for the good service!
Gilgamesh:
Now, come quickly, Dark Santa! I shall make you understand our difference through my treasury!
Gilgamesh:
Fwahahaha! And then, perhaps I will say something like,
“You, yourself, are my Christmas present, aren't you?”
Santa Alter:
We're leaving, Fujimaru.
This house appears to be empty.
Fujimaru 1:
Yes, indeed.
Fujimaru 2:
Yes, indeed.
Santa Alter:
Reindeer! We have the night off thanks to Gilgamesh's grand delusions.
Santa Alter:
And we happen to be floating above a great city.
What don't we enjoy ourselves in its entertainment quarter?
Santa Alter:
Though there are but rustic eateries here in ancient Uruk,
they should have good, simple food to dine upon.
Santa Alter:
I, myself, favor that dish of wheat flour mixed with water and stuffed with various fillings that is then baked upon an iron plate and then basted with sauce afterward.
Santa Alter:
I imagine even you could make something like th—
What?
Santa Alter:
We've been encapsulated by a strange space!
Don't leave my side, Fujimaru!
Santa Alter:
!!! ...Where are we?
This does not appear to be a normal place...
Nursery Rhyme:
...Pardon me... Hello there.
Miss, are you Santa Claus?
Jack:
You are Santa, aren't you?
I mean, you're carrying all those presents, after all.
Santa Alter:
Yes, I am Santa. And what manner of beings are you?
Are you the ghosts that haunt this place?
Jack:
We...are not ghosts or phantoms, I think...
But I don't think we are human either...
Nursery Rhyme:
Yes... Neither Jack nor I really know what we are...
Nursery Rhyme:
We didn't have names either...
All we could do is lie here and look at the town...
Nursery Rhyme:
But tonight, um...
Jack:
Since it's...Christmas...
We were thinking we'd like something warm too.
Nursery Rhyme:
...Yeah. That's why, even though we knew that it was wrong...
Nursery Rhyme:
...we forcefully summoned you here “inside” ourselves.
Santa Alter:
...I see. You must be the unfulfilled spirits of young girls.
Your lives ended while still innocent, and ignorant of love.
Santa Alter:
I see you've gained a sense of self under the light of Christmas. ...Though only due to your sense of loneliness.
Jack:
We aren't that complicated.
But Alice only had memories of the hospital, so...
Nursery Rhyme:
What? Well, you only had memories of a dark sewer,
Jack. I don't think that's a good thing. Not at all.
Nursery Rhyme:
That's why... At least for one day today, we...
We wanted to feel “chosen” by someone too...
Santa Alter:
...I see. So you've never had your names called,
or have never been chosen by another?
Santa Alter:
—Upon this extraordinary day, the two of you felt that you, alone, were not special?
Fujimaru 1:
This sounds like a job for Santa Alter.
Fujimaru 2:
Aren't you going to give them presents?
Santa Alter:
That I cannot do. I cannot give presents to any who have not written me letters.
Jack/Nursery Rhyme:
...
Santa Alter:
However! If you wish it from the bottom of your heart,
declare it! Wanting something just because you're lonely means nothing!
Santa Alter:
You should want something because it looks like fun, or simply because you want it! There, now. Show some courage!
Jack:
O—Okay.
T-to be honest, we...
Nursery Rhyme:
We want to play like everyone else does!
We want a dream that's more fun than this!
Nursery Rhyme:
Please, Santa Claus!
Please give us presents too!
Santa Alter:
Well spoken. I shall answer to this courage. If you have no letter, then come take your presents by force!
Santa Alter:
Apologies for keeping you waiting, little ones.
Now, let us begin this merry party!
--BATTLE--
Jack/Nursery Rhyme:
Aww... We...lost...
I guess there won't be...any Christmas for us...
Santa Alter:
...
Fujimaru 1:
...
Santa Alter:
Augh—!
I–have–been–defeated—!
Jack/Nursery Rhyme:
...Huh?
Santa Alter:
Well fought, my brave little ones!
As promised, I shall now give you Christmas presents!
Nursery Rhyme:
Ms. Santa!
Jack:
Ah... Ohh...
Presents... So many presents!
Fujimaru 1:
Santa!
Santa Alter:
Your face says, “So you do have some good points,”
Fujimaru. ...Of course, I do. I am the ally of all children.
Fujimaru 2:
Alter-chan!
Santa Alter:
Do not call me, “Alter-chan!”
Know your place as a reindeer and show some restraint!
Nursery Rhyme:
Thank you... Thank you, Santa Claus! But is it really okay for us to have so many presents—?
Jack:
Th-that's right... Aren't there many other children waiting for their presents too?
Santa Alter:
Heh. You needn't worry about that.
I have only one more stop to make.
Santa Alter:
What's more, these are merely the spoils of your victorious battle. Now, what shall I give you for your actual, individual presents—?
Santa Alter:
Here, take this!
These are the presents I have chosen especially for you!
Jack:
Ohh... Ohhhh—!
This... This is...
Nursery Rhyme:
Hurray—! It's a reindeer—!
A humongous, humongous reindeer—!
Santa Alter:
Two little girls running in gleeful circles around Asterios...
Heh! That's what a proper Christmas should be.
Fujimaru 1:
...So you already had a reindeer,
Santa Alter:
Fool, that one is only for show. If Asterios were to start running, lightning would streak the sky.
Santa Alter:
Which would frighten all the little children.
The best thing for this prince is to have him do nothing.
Fujimaru 2:
Should we go call Euryale?
Santa Alter:
Certainly not. If that wicked goddess were here,
she would turn these pure, young girls into demons!
Santa Alter:
...In any case, our work here is done. Even if it is only a dream for one night, enjoy yourselves heartily.
Jack:
Ah... Wait, Santa!
Jack:
...Thank you.
Never mind me, but thank you for granting Alice's wish.
Nursery Rhyme:
Yes, thank you, Santa, and thank you, Jack.
Even though I was scared at first, the party was fun!
Santa Alter:
—
Nursery Rhyme:
But I'm glad. It was only because we waited patiently like the fake Santa told us to...
Nursery Rhyme:
...that we got to meet the real Santa Claus.
Santa Alter:
—Wait.
What do you speak of?
Jack:
...Right. Before you came here, another Santa Claus came too. But...
Jack:
...while that Santa was talking with us, they suddenly said, “Uh-oh. This won't do!”
Nursery Rhyme:
“Since I'm not the real Santa Claus, I won't be able to fulfill your wishes. But the real Santa Claus is sure to show up soon.”
Nursery Rhyme:
“Please be good girls and wait patiently until then. What? If you can't do that, I'll try to do something for you next year.”
Nursery Rhyme:
And after saying that, that Santa disappeared somewhere. She may have been a fake, but she was a cool Santa too!
Nursery Rhyme:
Well, good-bye, Santa! And Santa's reindeer!
Thank you for bringing presents all the way out here!
Santa Alter:
...A fake Santa. I'd been ignoring it, but now it seems a showdown is inevitable.
Santa Alter:
Before I deliver my final present, I must punish this insolent cur. Fujimaru, next up - a showdown!
6th Night: Fake Santa, Caesar
Caesar:
Welcome to the snowy fields of the final showdown!
Of course, I was the fake Santa!
Santa Alter:
—(Tired Sigh)
Caesar:
W-What's with that sigh? A duel in a blizzard should be incredibly exciting!
Caesar:
Now, let me answer all your questions!
I'm ready!
Caesar:
Why did I become Santa Claus?
Why is Caesar so plump?
Caesar:
What kind of beauty was Cleopatra?
What's the present going to be on the last day?
Caesar:
Everything! Everything! My swift tongue shall melt away all your anger and doubts!
Santa Alter:
Shut up, you red igloo!
I've no interest in your babbling!
Caesar:
Igloo? Oh, those houses they make out of snow.
I stand strong against adversity, so it's a good metaphor.
Caesar:
But are you sure you can't wait just a little?
Don't you want to know the story?
Caesar:
No, you should learn the whole thing!
It was on a starry night, when I went to Darius' castle.
Caesar:
He mistook me for Santa Claus, and became very happy.
I had no choice but to take his things.
Fujimaru 1:
That makes no sense!
Fujimaru 2:
Why didn't you have a choice?
Caesar:
Am I supposed to tell someone who's overjoyed to see Santa that they've got the wrong guy?
Caesar:
I could do not that, for I am Caesar.
But I had no presents to give out.
Caesar:
So I borrowed things from Darius.
So I could use them as presents, you see.
Caesar:
Though I did have Phantom, who just happened to be there, sign off as the buyer.
Fujimaru 1:
Are you a demon!?
Fujimaru 2:
What did Phantom ever do to you?
Caesar:
But in the end, I was just a temporary Santa Claus.
I couldn't give them what they truly wanted.
Caesar:
Unable to bear their sad crying, I crossed the river and the next thing I knew I was in France.
Caesar:
There was a very pure-hearted knight. She... No, he?
No, She? Anyway, I did my work there, too.
Caesar:
I heard they wished to sell their old possessions and I bought everything they owned.
Caesar:
I was fortunate to have the funds from Darius.
One of their possessions was a treasure of the French Royal family.
Caesar:
They begged me to return it,
so I sold it back to them for ten times the price.
Caesar:
“Are you really a famous spy, d'Eon?
Maybe the enemy just lets you go because you're cute?”
Caesar:
I couldn't bear to see the Queen bullying her like that.
She was almost in tears.
Caesar:
So I went to the mountains and hid, where I found an oriental beauty plotting to assassinate an Emperor.
Caesar:
“This time, the Emperor shall die by my hand—”
Caesar:
Could any man not be struck by the sight of her meditating beneath that waterfall?
Caesar:
Fortunately, I'm half an emperor myself. I told her I could give her good advice, and persuaded her to lend me her daggers—
Santa Alter:
Enough! Silence!
You're a walking fraud machine!
Caesar:
Humph. I'm a victim too, you know.
Caesar:
Everywhere I go, people call me Santa Claus!
Caesar:
I'm a general and a politician. You could say it's my job to live up to people's expectations.
Caesar:
Thus, even if I knew I was fake, I had no choice but to play the role. Though I did have fun.
Caesar:
By the way, do you know why they all think I'm Santa Claus? I have no idea.
Fujimaru 1:
I mean, you look just like...
Fujimaru 2:
Surprised you survived this far, actually.
Santa Alter:
...I see. I'm forcing myself to wear this embarrassing outfit, yet you don't have to do anything for children to love you...
Santa Alter:
I have no choice but to kill you!
For the sake of the world, and Santa Claus!
Caesar:
Hahaha! That's the true Santa Claus for you!
Caesar:
To be honest, I was getting tired of being mistaken for Santa Claus and having to run away!
Fujimaru 1:
Then stop causing trouble!
Fujimaru 2:
You can't live without making trouble, huh?
Caesar:
I'm bored, though!
Nero and Caligula won't play with me!
Caesar:
And Cleopatra is avoiding me! How can I be Caesar if I don't cause trouble for all these lovey-dovey couples!
Fujimaru 1:
So you just have a grudge against people!?
Caesar:
Hahahaha! I guess you found me out!
It's time to fight, then!
Caesar:
If I defeat you, I will take the presents, and become the True Santa, that's fine with me!
Caesar:
The throne of the rare Servant shall be mine!
Now hand it over, Dark Santa!
--BATTLE--
Caesar:
Humph... The wind...stopped...
Is this the end...of my battle?
Caesar:
But...it's not so bad... It was hard for me, too...
After falling at the hands of the true Santa, I can finally...
Fujimaru 1:
Mr. Caesar...
Fujimaru 2:
Mr. Igloo...
Santa Alter:
—Humph.
Caesar:
Jump!
Hahaha! That was close! The snow is so slippery!
Santa Alter:
He moves around so fast...
He's like a seal on ice!
Caesar:
I'd prefer you called me a dancing snowman.
Hmm, but I can't stop. I can't stop!
Caesar:
My plan to take over the role of protagonist and grab the star of glory is ruined!
Caesar:
But this is for the best!
Caesar:
The star of the festival should be a beautiful Servant,
not someone like me!
Caesar:
Farewell Dark Santa! Farewell Reindeer! The Christmas nights are at an end, and the 25th is upon us soon!
Caesar:
Gather stockings, and a Christmas Eve miracle shall be yours!
Santa Alter:
...He rolled all the way home, huh?
We won't be able to catch him.
Santa Alter:
But this solves the problem. The fake Santa is gone and will never deceive people again.
Fujimaru 1:
I don't think we're done with Caesar...
Santa Alter:
...True. To be honest, when I heard “fake,”
I was imagining a different Roman emperor.
Santa Alter:
There's another Red Saber...
Someday, I'll have to settle things with her.
Fujimaru 2:
A Christmas Eve Miracle?
Santa Alter:
I-I wouldn't know.
Forget it. It's for your own good.
Santa Alter:
Fujimaru, there's one night left.
There's still one Dear Santa letter.
Santa Alter:
I look forward to finding out what kind of child awaits us.
7th Night: Attack! The Alter Next Door
Santa Alter:
At last, it's time, Fujimaru.
Tonight shall be our last and greatest work.
Santa Alter:
The last “Dear Santa” letter is from an Alter, address unknown.
Santa Alter:
An evil Servant, crawling in the abyss of a curse...
In other words, like me.
Santa Alter:
Her present request is for
“A board game everyone can have fun playing together.”
Santa Alter:
It's a game like the Japanese sugoroku, where you roll the dice to advance your piece, and buy up properties on a game board.
Santa Alter:
The players buy land, charging tolls and usage fees to strip the other players of their fortunes and become rich.
Santa Alter:
There are many ways to clear the game, but the most common is to reach a certain amount, or bankrupt all the other players.
Santa Alter:
Below us is a Servant who would desire such a game.
Exciting, isn't it?
Santa Alter:
Let's go. Don't forget to smile.
Don't forget to pray. Don't forget to be sadistic.
Santa Alter:
As Evil Santa Claus,
it's time for me to perform my last job!
Santa Alter:
I have arrived!
Santa Clause descends to the sound of jingling bells!
Jeanne Alter:
—This is awful. This is the worst.
The worst possible woman who could've come.
Fujimaru 1:
Jeanne d'Arc Alter?
Jeanne Alter:
I thought it was just that disgusting Servant,
but you're here too, huh Fujimaru?
Jeanne Alter:
What does a pure-hearted Master want with a fallen woman like me?
Fujimaru 2:
L-Lovely Christmas decorations!
Jeanne Alter:
How?
What part of all this is luxurious?
Jeanne Alter:
The spirits did this on their own.
It's not my taste. I would've used a burning stake motif.
Jeanne Alter:
Or what? Will you be my straw doll Fujimaru?
Jeanne Alter:
A straw doll, crucified and burning.
I like that. It's enticing.
Jeanne Alter:
If you will, I'll forget about what happened before.
It won't matter, because you'll be dead!
Santa Alter:
Don't you dare bite my Master, rabid dog.
You're the one who sent me a letter.
Santa Alter:
Heh—I was shocked when I saw the name on the envelope. A girl who's nothing but hatred towards what is good, making a wish?
Santa Alter:
Also, the handwriting was very easy to read.
I thought you couldn't write.
Jeanne Alter:
I studied! Is that bad!? Those scribblings I made were so ugly it made me retch.
Santa Alter:
Heh. That's just like you, getting rid of anything you don't like.
Santa Alter:
And why does it matter if they're ugly?
No one will see them.
Jeanne Alter:
Humph. You're not thinking hard enough. I'm a perfectionist. You know, if you sign a contract with bad handwriting—
Jeanne Alter:
...Enough about that.
Jeanne Alter:
Why are you calling yourself Santa?
Bring out the real Santa.
Santa Alter:
Are you blind? Or just stupid?
I've brought many presents to children.
Santa Alter:
I may not be a Saint, but I'm a real Santa Claus.
Fujimaru's trust is proof of that.
Santa Alter:
The reason I started this was to fling this present in your face, but now this is my real job.
Santa Alter:
I can't be a Saint, but I'm not a fake.
Right, my Reindeer?
Fujimaru 1:
Santa Alter is a real Santa Claus.
Santa Alter:
Indeed. You may deny my words, but not those of Fujimaru. Right, Dark Jeanne?
Fujimaru 2:
Santa Alter is a veteran Santa.
Santa Alter:
I don't know if there are veteran Santas.
But maybe you're right.
Jeanne Alter:
Hah—
I see. This is an elaborate way of pranking me, huh?
Jeanne Alter:
You probably thought I was spending Christmas lonely by myself, right?
Jeanne Alter:
But too bad! I'm having fun every day!
Jeanne Alter:
I've got so many wonderful friends here with me!
Pierres A to G:
“Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!”
“Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!”
Santa Alter:
A horde of spirits?
You haven't been using them to—
Jeanne Alter:
That's right! We're all having fun playing a board game!
Games are fun! Games are great!
Jeanne Alter:
The weak endlessly trod the path of the weak,
and the strong endlessly take from the weak—
Jeanne Alter:
Stealing the flesh and blood off the other players as they scream and cry is wonderful.
Jeanne Alter:
Yes— I am in first place by far! I have the most capital! Monopoly is fun! Monopoly is great!
Santa Alter:
Hmm? It doesn't seem like that much of a difference...
There's about a 10,000 dollar difference between 1st and 2nd place—
Pierre D:
“Help me!”
Jeanne Alter:
!
Fujimaru 1:
He just took the lead.
Fujimaru 2:
...Jeanne owes Pierre a million dollars...
Jeanne Alter:
Oh, I'm sorry. My hand slipped.
Let's start over. Too bad!
Pierre D:
“Help me!”
Santa Alter:
...How wicked.
You haven't repented at all, have you?
Santa Alter:
You'll never make any friends like this, and you definitely won't get to be a Servant.
Jeanne Alter:
Humph. I don't want to be a Servant.
Jeanne Alter:
I don't need a Master.
Why would I want to join you, anyway?
Jeanne Alter:
...I'm fine being alone. I'm fine being alone.
I should atone for my sins all by myself.
Jeanne Alter:
I don't want anyone's help—least of all the help of Fujimaru, the one who defeated me.
Fujimaru 1:
...Jeanne Alter...
Jeanne Alter:
Oh, are you sympathetic? Or disgusted?
It doesn't matter. You're annoying me anyway.
Fujimaru 2:
You need to play the game fair, though...
Jeanne Alter:
How rude. I play fair!
Wait, is that what you're thinking about here!?
Jeanne Alter:
I just used Jeanne Rule #3:
Jeanne gets to do whatever she wants three times!
Santa Alter:
I guess nothing we say matters...
We'll have to fight.
Jeanne Alter:
That's just what I want. Pierres, get ready.
You want to work off some of that stress, right?
Jeanne Alter:
Torture them. Just like the trials you gave to me in life! Torture them slowly!
Santa Alter:
Humph, by the way... I've been wondering,
but did you forget how to talk like a Saint?
Jeanne Alter:
Oh, I haven't forgotten. This is just for today.
I mean, you wouldn't want me using fancy words, right?
Jeanne Alter:
Can't you tell? I'm trying to match you. I'm trying to use words your puny, violent brain will understand!
Santa Alter:
It must be hard. I understand your pain.
I recognize your frustration myself.
Santa Alter:
Because I was trying to match your level, and it's been making me want to throw up.
Fujimaru 1:
So you're both good friends!
Fujimaru 2:
You're both Alter!
Santa Alter/Jeanne Alter:
Would you shut up!?
--BATTLE--
Jeanne Alter:
Humph. I guess that's all you can expect out of spirits.
The only ones I can rely on are Gilles and the wyverns.
Jeanne Alter:
So, what will you do? Keep playing?
Jeanne Alter:
I spend my days doing nothing but cursing at the bottom of the Earth. I'll fight as much as you like.
Fujimaru 1:
She hasn't changed at all...
Fujimaru 2:
She hasn't learned a thing!
Santa Alter:
That's right, Fujimaru.
The battle will continue until we defeat her mentally.
Santa Alter:
Losing won't teach her anything.
She'll just try and claim we never won.
Santa Alter:
This particular child needs an especially nasty punishment.
Jeanne Alter:
...What?
Do you have some kind of trump card?
Santa Alter:
Of course. Will you still talk about staying down here forever after you get this present?
Jeanne Alter:
—
Fujimaru 1:
Oh, her expression changed.
Fujimaru 2:
Yeah, I kind of know how you feel.
Santa Alter:
How does it feel to look at your light... Light?
Well, I guess it's light.
Santa Alter:
This is what will happen if you stay down here.
At this rate, there might even be Jeanne Lily.
Jeanne Alter:
—I'm going back to purgatory.
I've got better things to do than play here.
Jeanne Alter:
I'll build up my Spirit Origin and become a Servant,
and next time I'll impale that stupid wannabe Saint!
Pierres:
“Oooh!” “We're free!” “We're free!”
“We're saved!” “Thank you!” “Thank you!”
Jeanne Alter:
Oh, but first, I forgot something.
Jeanne Alter:
Let's go, Bishop. You're going to help me with my trials in purgatory, okay?
Pierres:
“Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!”
“Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!”
Santa Alter:
...All right. That's the last of the Dear Santa letters.
We've handed out all the presents.
Santa Alter:
My job is done.
Good work, Fujimaru.
Santa Alter:
I couldn't have finished this without you.
Santa Alter:
Without you, I would've given up after the first person.
Santa Alter:
...I may not look it, but I get bored easily and have a short temper. I'm sure you didn't notice.
Fujimaru 1:
Oh, yeah.
Fujimaru 2:
Sure, yeah.
Santa Alter:
I like that. It's good for a Master to be able to get along with their Servants.
Santa Alter:
...
...
Santa Alter:
...Hmm. So even that's not enough to get my point across, huh? Fine. Get on your knees and lower your head.
Santa Alter:
I will point my sword at your shoulders, but I won't cut you. Just bear it for a moment.
Santa Alter:
—Once again, I recognize you,
Fujimaru. I won't forget what has happened over these last 10 days.
Santa Alter:
You are my knight, my follower, and my leader.
Santa Alter:
Please keep your light shining into the future.
Santa Alter:
...Now then, the time has come, it seems.
Our busy Christmas is over.
Santa Alter:
I have one final present for you.
A justly deserved reward. Take it.
Santa Alter:
...In other words, a new fighter.
I don't need to say anything more, do I?
Santa Alter:
Chaldea's system has its flaws, so you'll have to start over from scratch. But that's all right.
Santa Alter:
Thanks to its flaws, and its vagueness, so many encounters are possible. It's a good thing.
Santa Alter:
My blade is with you!
You can ride on my sleigh any time you want!
Santa Alter:
Farewell, my Master!
—Merry Christmas!
Mash:
Senpai!?
Mash:
Doctor, it's Senpai!
They suddenly appeared in an unoccupied bathroom!
Dr. Roman:
What—!
Did that bathroom have a hidden room or something?
Fujimaru 1:
My head feels... Weird...
Fujimaru 2:
I think I saw... Santa...
Mash:
Good, you seem like you're okay.
Oh, but this is—
Mash:
Senpai is REM-REM-ing and looking very tired.
Dr. Roman:
Is that right? Long-term Rayshifts are mentally draining,
so it's good to get a lot of sleep, but...
Dr. Roman:
Oh, their health looks okay.
Dr. Roman:
I was worried when you grabbed me and told me Chaldea was in trouble. I'm glad it was nothing.
Dr. Roman:
And disappearing only to reappear later is quite the Prestige! It'll be a great trick for the party!
Fujimaru 1:
Party?
Fujimaru 2:
Wait, is today
Mash:
Yes, it's Christmas, Senpai.
Mash:
Everyone's waiting for you in the conference room,
Christmas cake in hand.
Mash:
...Master?
Is something bothering you?
Fujimaru 1:
Nah. I've got a funny story to tell you later.
Mash:
I look forward to that. I was a little worried it would just be Da Vinci's magic tricks.
Mash:
There are only a few days left in the year. Our battle continues, but for tonight, let's enjoy Christmas!
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