Almost Weekly Santa Alter

Prologue: The Dark Santa

Mash: I must say, Senpai, it's a great day for gift-giving— and Chaldea is in Christmas mode!

Fou: Fou, fooou!

Mash: ...Huh? Senpai's gone, Fou.

Mash: Are you taking a shower, Senpai? Or using the toilet?

Mash: How... ...Nowhere to be found... But there's no doubt Senpai was in this room...

Mash: There's no record of a heat signature leaving this room in the last hour either— It's as if...

Mash: Clearly, there's been some kind of foul play here! Let's go get the Doctor!

Fujimaru 1: —Huh?

???: Emerging from the Rayshift tunnel, your eyes were met with the sight of a field blanketed in snow...

???: A most literary beginning. The use of the second-person lends a certain subtlety to the sentence. Don't you think, Fujimaru?

Fujimaru 1: That voice! Could it be—?!

Santa Alter: Ha! A lively response. I am possessed of a sudden desire to kick you in your arse.

Santa Alter: Though our contract is but a temporary one, any Master seeking to transport me must be as so.

Fujimaru 1: You were in the Massive Cavern?

Santa Alter: ...No. This is my first meeting with you. Can you not tell from my attire?

Santa Alter: I've certainly never been defeated by you, and have, under no circumstances, been brooding over it.

Santa Alter: I was simply in a foul mood, especially my stomach. All because Archer wouldn't cook a sound meal.

Santa Alter: ...No, that is not it. I am precisely as you see me to be.

Fujimaru 2: A mi-miniskirt... Alter

Santa Alter: ...A m-miniskirt, you say? Well, I suppose one could see it as such.

Santa Alter: But mind it not, and allow me to say this in advance. One who would be Santa is unbothered by the cold!

Santa Alter: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Santa Alter. I am a Santa Claus of Evil who slashes apart the icy breath of Midwinter!

Santa Alter: ...You seem to misunderstand me. I merely wish to express my daily gratitude by delivering presents to all.

Santa Alter: However— After going through the trouble of gathering presents, I have lost my means of transporting them.

Santa Alter: The reindeer that I had hired previously to pull my sleigh have all run away in fear.

Santa Alter: What a bunch of cowards. All I did was use Excalibur Morgan as a jet engine to propel us into the stratosphere.

Santa Alter: I could pull the sleigh myself, but such a thing would tarnish the dignity of Santa Claus.

Santa Alter: I cannot capture the heart of children everywhere without a reindeer. Which is why— You understand, don't you, good Fujimaru?

Santa Alter: It is for that purpose alone that I have unsummoned you here by force.

Santa Alter: As a part of my daily gratitude to you, I bestow upon you the honor of being my reindeer.

Fujimaru 1: This is part of your duty as a king?

Santa Alter: No. I am not a king here, but a Santa Claus! Kindly refer to me in those terms.

Fujimaru 2: You didn't have anyone else you could ask, did you?

Santa Alter: That is untrue! Of those I considered there was one, at least, with promise!

Santa Alter: But they were rather hesitant, and worse yet, extremely frail. Thus, I sent them packing.

Santa Alter: However, their eyes were so bright they would have made a perfect red-nosed reindeer...

Santa Alter: Honestly... Even if it is Christmastime, one should have limits to how much one lets loose.

Santa Alter: ...No, wait a moment. It seems the presents have drawn some uninvited guests.

Santa Alter: And I was in the middle of my presentation... But there's nothing to be done about it. Take up your sword, Fujimaru.

Santa Alter: Your body shall know what it means to go into battle with Santa—!


Santa Alter: As you can see, many try to target Santa Claus. Reindeer must be as strong as their master.

Santa Alter: Now then, you understand what I'm saying, don't you? You are now my reindeer. I won't hear any objections.

Santa Alter: Rest assured, I am a Santa and not a demon. If you work hard, I shall grant you your life, at least—

Fujimaru 1: Yes, ma'am, I'm ready to start right now!

Fujimaru 2: Yes, Santa Alter!

Santa Alter: Humph! That was a quick response! Are you a lion cub, unschooled in fear? How promising!

Santa Alter: Nonetheless, it was a good answer. I am pleased. Now, let us start immediately.

Santa Alter: First, let us storm this house nearby. As Santa, I must attack from the skies.

Santa Alter: Now, board the sleigh, Master! I shall enlighten you on the ways of Santa!

1st Night: Little Darius

Santa Alter: Forward, my soldiers! Tear through the darkness! Plunge into the blizzard! Wander! Wander!

Fujimaru 1: This sleigh really flies through the air!

Santa Alter: Naturally. One who would be Santa must be able to traverse the skies. We must deliver presents to the children around the world.

Santa Alter: I've dubbed this sleigh Llamrei Unit II. You may relax your guard and entrust yourself to it.

Fujimaru 2: Why are you yelling?!

Santa Alter: Insolent fool! I am not yelling. I am singing!

Santa Alter: By announcing my presence this way, I can also avoid running into airplanes! It's common sense for a Santa!

Santa Alter: Good. We are approaching our destination. Prepare yourself, Fujimaru.

Santa Alter: The return address of this “Dear Santa” letter is in Persia. A request from Darius, aged 3.

Santa Alter: ...Hmm. The writing is so black and smeared I can't read it at all. Well, I'm sure once I see his face, I'll know what present he'd like.

Santa Alter: Let us go! We shall enter from this magnificent chimney!

Lu Bu: [[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]! [[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]!

Phantom: Ahh... The iron lament that surpasses the vocal cords... Echoing from the depths of the hollow, the enamored yet hate-filled voice of a young girl's lingering affections as she “sings” of death...

Phantom: Specifically, I should call it the raging moans of a girl who can no longer abide her hunger. Ahh, how unsightly yet adorable—!

Phantom: Though it's a far cry from my own taste, she conveys her feelings so well it truly pains me.

Phantom: A cry that would pierce Heaven itself. You who spews forth such hatred, I'd liken you to... Yes, a carp swimming up a waterfall.

Phantom: Actually, you are more like a carp banner. How auspicious. Ahh, how very auspicious indeed... And hateful, too!

Phantom: Christine! Christine has gone so far from me! Why? Why does fate endeavor to tear us apart yet again?

Phantom: Couples! Christmas! Santa Claus! Whenever I hear that this is a night for loved ones, it makes me sick!

Phantom: Don't you agree, Sir Carp Banner? Why must we, upon such a night as this, be a company entirely of men?

Santa Alter: ...What a ferocious cry from the soul. It stirs the heart too greatly. Surely, that Servant is an actor of some renown.

Fujimaru 1: Yeah, that was quite an elegy.

Fujimaru 2: Ehh, it was certainly a self-indulgent soliloquy.

Santa Alter: What a splendid performance. He probably has more passion in his pinky than that cursed Tristan...

Santa Alter: ...But I can't imagine that either of them is Darius. Also, that object in the middle of the floor...

Santa Alter: There's nothing here but that tree-like candle in the center of the room. Does that mean Darius isn't here?

Santa Alter: That's fine, then. I should simply turn around and leave now, but I do pity these two.

Santa Alter: Merlin has said that when a man is widowed, his suffering surpasses the pain of Death. As Santa, I can't just leave them be.

Santa Alter: Let us go, Fujimaru! We shall be like the Christmas Carol that saved Scrooge!

Santa Alter: Bow down, little ones! Prepare to receive your presents from me!

Lu Bu: [[File:berserkervoice2.png50px]]???

Phantom: Oh, Christine! You've come back to me, Christine!

Santa Alter: Ugh. Halt, Black Mantle! Do not approach my reindeer.

Santa Alter: Laying hands upon your audience is a third-rate performer's action. Are you not a world-class actor after all?

Phantom: What? I, a, you say? I, the specter of this miserable underground hovel?

Santa Alter: I never engage in flattery. You rave as though mad, but your cries are filled with truth. So much so I am moved to tears.

Santa Alter: But more importantly, where is the master of this castle? The sender of this letter to Santa should be here.

Lu Bu: [[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]!

Phantom: Santa... Ahh, Beautiful One, what tragedy is this? Now that I look more carefully, you are, indeed, Santa Claus!

Darius III: Ohh... Oooohhhh! Santa... Santaaaaaaa!

Santa Alter: ?! This candle tree moves?! You two, just what is the meaning of this?

Lu Bu: [[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]!

Phantom: Die, please. Repent! And surrender what's in that bag! Santa Claus is the one who should be struck from this world!

Darius III: Oooohhhhh! Presents! Gimme!

Santa Alter: Well! Only naughty little children try to take things by force like that! We've no choice. Prepare to fight, Fujimaru!

Santa Alter: After all, it is also Santa's duty to give dreamy-eyed children a cold jolt of reality!

Fujimaru 1: Yeah, but I don't see any “little children” here!

Fujimaru 2: Santa's more violent than I'd imagined!

Santa Alter: Minor details. Worry not! All one really needs to be Santa is to hand out presents.

Santa Alter: Not even Picts, and raising such a ruckus indoors? Such poor manners. It's Christmas. Take this fight outside!


Santa Alter: Have you learned your lesson, ruffians? The form of Santa Claus pleases me greatly but it is only a temporary one.

Santa Alter: My true form is that of Britain's Red Dragon, Altria, the King of Knights. Remember it well.

Lu Bu: [[File:berserkervoice2.png50px]]... ...(looking dejected)

Darius III: Ohhh... Santa... Claaaus... Santa... Claaaaauuss...

Phantom: Anguish... Anguish... Anguish... When I think of what we've done... Oh, the anguish...

Fujimaru 1: ...Doesn't he look a little odd?

Fujimaru 2: ...Well, Your Majesty, don't welook like the bad guys here?

Santa Alter: ...Yes, it is starting to feel that way to me as well. This being my first job, perhaps I got a bit too hot-headed.

Santa Alter: You there. You understand the speech of these other two, correct? Is that tree Darius, aged three, by any chance?

Phantom: Yes, he is... His king is, in fact, the green light that burns in Hell, the Lord Cyalume... And who might you be, my lady?

Santa Alter: I already told you I was Santa Claus. Now, accept your presents.

Lu Bu: [[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]!

Darius III: Ohhhh! Presents! Gimme!!

Santa Alter: There, there. This is for you.

Santa Alter: Since you would die before you could ever use a Noble Phantasm, use this to amass a little motivation, or perhaps a little love.

Lu Bu: [[File:berserkervoice1.png50px]]!

Darius III: Hurraaaaay!

Santa Alter: As for you, Black Mantle, I shall give you... Yes, this.

Phantom: Oh! This is the very thing I have lost! My love, my light! Christine! You've brought her back to me!

Santa Alter: As I said, do not come near my reindeer. We are busy. We have a mountain of work to do.

Santa Alter: Let us go, Fujimaru. Santa should be as a passing breeze. We must not stay long.

Santa Alter: And it is painful to have to leave a party early, since my hunger is never satiated.

Santa Alter: Well, then— Farewell, little ones! Let us meet again next year! Merry Christmas!

Santa Alter: All right. They were the perfect companions for some light warm-up. Now it's time for you to work, my reindeer.

Santa Alter: From now until the end of Christmas, many more battles await us, I am sure.

Santa Alter: At each stop, gather the stockings and bring them to me. Stockings are the crystallizations of the hearts of children seeking presents...

Santa Alter: It is by the power of such magical energy that Santa Claus traverses the globe. In other words, you could call it our fuel.

Santa Alter: The more you gather, the greater the reward I shall bestow upon you. Remember that as you go about your work.

Santa Alter: The next “Dear Santa” letter is on the 2nd. Let us build up our party until then!

2nd Night: Her Name is Little Marie

Santa Alter: Good work with your reindeer training. You're fighting Christmas monsters when you have time, right?

Santa Alter: Thanks to your efforts, the fuel for my sleigh... The Santa Points have been building up nicely.

Santa Alter: Now I can deliver the next present. Good work, Fujimaru.

Santa Alter: Let's go over this one more time Christmas celebrates the birth of a certain person.

Santa Alter: It is the mass of Christ, hence the word Christmas.

Santa Alter: These days, Christmas Eve is December 24th, and the 25th itself is Christmas.

Santa Alter: But the original period was much longer. His birth was celebrated for days, reaching its peak on the 25th.

Santa Alter: In other words, beginning my advance this early is Santa's old way of doing it.

Fujimaru 1: You're doing it the classic way.

Santa Alter: Of course. Function follows form. Destroying everything thoroughly is the classic way to win.

Fujimaru 2: Advance? Like a military advance?

Santa Alter: ... ...

Santa Alter: I see our destination. Give me your magical energy, Reindeer!

Santa Alter: This “Dear Santa” letter is from Marie, a girl who lives in France.

Santa Alter: Two of her friends are always fighting, so she wants a present to bring them together, it says.

Santa Alter: Humph. How stupid. Santa only grants one's own wishes.

Santa Alter: I have no presents to bring happiness to other people. What does this Marie think Christmas is about, anyway?

Fujimaru 1: Sounds like a mistake Marie would make.

Santa Alter: That's right. If she wants to bring them together, she should pick a present herself.

Santa Alter: She should do what I did. I once sent two knights who were fighting a single horse, and told them this...

Santa Alter: “This is for the one who thinks they're better than the other.” I knew this would test them and form a friendship.

Santa Alter: It worked perfectly. They stopped arguing in front of others. Although they were trying so hard not to snap at each other when they smiled, but oh well.

Santa Alter: That was Agravain's idea. Aggy always gave me the best advice.

Fujimaru 2: Sounds like a mistake you'd make.

Santa Alter: I'm not making any mistakes.

Santa Alter: Santa brings gifts. She does not bring happiness.

Santa Alter: Whether the gifts bring happiness depends on if the little ones have been good or not.

Santa Alter: ...Hmm? This should be the insertion point... But it's a snowy field.

Santa Alter: The French Marie is without a doubt a member of the royal family.

Santa Alter: I was expecting her Christmas party to be nationwide chaos, with mountains of expensive turkeys...

???: Found you! That's your last airspace violation, Santa Claus!

Santa Alter: What!? We're 2,000 meters in the air! Don't you think that's crazy?

???: That's my line! What's with that hippo sleigh? Are you kidding me?

???: Also a date in the sky with Master was going to be my thing! Don't steal it from me!

Fujimaru 1: What is that eagle...bird?

Santa Alter: That's a hippogriff, Reindeer. It's often mistaken for a griffin.

Santa Alter: I mistake them often myself. Neither is as good as a dragon, so don't waste time remembering.

???: ARGH! Don't think that firepower equals strength! How short-sighted can you be?

Fujimaru 2: Wow, that's so cool!

???: is? Am I... Cool? I'm used to being called cute...

???: ...but “cool” is new. You're making me blush... Hehe.

Santa Alter: ...Maybe I'll crush them. More specifically, I'll smack you hard right between the legs.

???: Humph. I don't like that kind of sexual prejudice. That's not a weak point for me anyway.

???: Hmmph, target sighted! Marie, up here! Fire everything you've got!

Santa Alter: What!?

Santa Alter: We've been hit! Grab on, Reindeer! We're crash-landing!

Santa Alter: Tch. They shot down Santa Claus! Is this the French way? I knew I shouldn't trust them!

d'Eon: That's my line, you suspicious woman! Go back to Santa Claus village!

Marie: Oh my. That's rude to Finland, d'Eon. The fault lies entirely with this wicked Santa.

Marie: Hehehe. I've never felt so violent before. It's exciting! Shooting a cannon is fun♡

Santa Alter: Not interested in negotiations, huh? You're after my sack of presents, aren't you?

Santa Alter: Very well. Santa is destined to be a target for thieves. I'll deal with you before I go see Marie.

Santa Alter: Let's go, Master! We can ride that merry-go-round after we're done!

Marie: ...Huh? Do I have the wrong person? Maybe Astolfo's got bad eyesight...

Marie: It doesn't matter. Tonight's a festival night! Little problems will melt away with the snow.

Marie: Vive la France! My dear, gallant Santa, do you like snowball fights?


d'Eon: ...Such amazing bladework. This couldn't be Santa, could it?

Marie: Oh, didn't you realize when the fight started? This isn't the same Santa Claus as before.

d'Eon: I-I'm sorry... I wasn't thinking straight... But my queen, if you noticed then why didn't you stop?

Marie: I'm sorry, but I wanted to keep the momentum going! You had fun too, didn't you Santa?

Santa Alter: Of course. It's good to revisit one's childhood. I'm sorry for being so rough with your knight.

Santa Alter: By the way, that well-bred dog... Are you perhaps Marie?

Marie: Yes, I am Marie. You read my letter, didn't you, Santa?

d'Eon: (Dog... That Chimera was a dog? That definitely wasn't a papillon, but if the queen says so...)

Astolfo: I'm here! ...Wait. Is the fight over already? I don't get to fight?

Santa Alter: So this is everyone, huh? It seems there was a misunderstanding, but it's solved now.

Santa Alter: I'll give you your presents then. Line up, you violent children.

Marie: Okay! Come on d'Eon, Astolfo, let's line up!

d'Eon: Huh? ...I get a present too? Are you actually a nice person, even though you don't look like one?

Santa Alter: That last part was unnecessary. You and I should get along. You have my respect.

Santa Alter: Men's attire in France is really elegant, isn't it, Knight? Give me more details later. I like those frills.

d'Eon: I am not cross-dressing! I am a man as you can see!

Santa Alter: ...You heard them. Anything you want to say, Hippo?

Astolfo: Why are you asking me? What's wrong with a girl dressing like a boy?

Astolfo: People should wear the clothes that suit them. I think d'Eon's letting clothes run their life, though...

d'Eon: You're too free-spirited! You, Roland... Are the 12 Paladins filled with nothing with perverts?

Astolfo: Huh? Comparing me to Roland isn't fair!

Astolfo: He's the type who wind up in handcuffs. I get my name in the papers!

Santa Alter: I'm glad you're all getting along. Let me see...

Santa Alter: This is for you, Marie. I hope it gives you inspiration for the Merry-Go-Round.

Marie: Oh my! A glass horse! Thank you, Santa!

Santa Alter: Next is the Knight. You get this.

d'Eon: A m-maid? Why do I get a maid outfit? Am I supposed to wear this?

Santa Alter: It's a message to at least make better food than the cat. That is, if anyone will take you at this point.

d'Eon: I'll be single for the rest of my life! Even as a Servant!

Santa Alter: I see. I think we'll get along well there, too. Give me your contact info later.

Santa Alter: ...Now then.

Astolfo: ...(Excited)

Santa Alter: Let's go, Reindeer. Farewell, and see you next year!

Astolfo: H-Hold it—! What about me? What do I get, Santa?

Santa Alter: Nothing! He who does not fight shall not get presents! You were too lazy to save Orleans!

d'Eon: She's got you there. Even Atalante showed up as an enemy.

Astolfo: What!? That wasn't my fault!

Astolfo: The France chapter ended a long time ago! That means I couldn't possibly—oww!?

Marie: Oh my. I guess Santa gave you a present after all.

Marie: A Halloween pumpkin... What does that mean?

Astolfo: Um... Maybe that I'm cute like a pumpkin?

Astolfo: Aww, she said those mean things but she actually loves me... Tehehe.

d'Eon: No, I think she's saying you're an idiot who was late for the party. This is a Craft Essence that's past its expiration date.

Marie: Oh, I get it! It means “You won't be in anything until next year's Halloween.”

Astolfo: What? —I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-LE! That can't be right! I'll be back sooner than that!

3rd Night: Heartbreak☆Jean Kay

Santa Alter: So here we are. This time our “Dear Santa” letter is from Jean Kay, address unknown.

Santa Alter: I guess she makes a living as an assassin, so has no specific address. Right now she's hiding in those caves.

Fujimaru 1: Are you talking about Jing Ke?

Santa Alter: It's Jean Kay, I think. How am I supposed to know how to pronounce it, I don't speak Chinese.

Fujimaru 2: What did she ask for?

Santa Alter: The mental fortitude to remain calm in adversity, and a pair of easy-to-draw double daggers.

Santa Alter: By the way, Fujimaru. Do you hear that strange sound?

Santa Alter: It's like someone's repeatedly hitting heavy meat with a blunt object, or endlessly pounding a bag filled with sand.

Fujimaru 1: ...I've got a bad feeling about this.

Fujimaru 2: ...I can guess who that is.

Santa Alter: You're pretty perceptive. I wouldn't have guessed. ...Well, once we go inside, we'll find out even if we don't want to.

Santa Alter: This time it's a cave, so there's no chimney here. We'll go in through that door in the front.

Martha: Hahh! Hahh! Whew! What's wrong! With people! On Christmas?!

Martha: They say it's about celebrating His birth, so why! Are all these couples! Exchanging presents!

Martha: No, it's fine. It's fine, Martha. Showing your beloved how you feel is a good thing.

Martha: The problem is! Wimps! Who can't even ask a girl out! Unless it's on Christmas!

Martha: And His birthday was October, anyway!

Martha: And why are they playing! Sappy pop songs! On a day! Like this!?

Santa Alter: ...It fell. No, it snapped. The chain holding that sandbag just snapped.

Fujimaru 1: I saw

Ushiwakamaru: You've got that right, Martha. If someone wants to send presents, they can do it any time.

Ushiwakamaru: I went and got the enemy general's head for my brother the instant the idea came to me. He refused it for some reason, though.

Ushiwakamaru: ...My Lord said something similar, actually.

Ushiwakamaru: I went hunting monsters, and they said they wanted a demon's heart, not their head. “Stop that, it's scary,” they said.

Ushiwakamaru: Hehe... Both them and my brother want so little. It's such a virtue to be so not-greedy.

Ushiwakamaru: I think they said something about needing eyeballs a while ago.

Ushiwakamaru: If they want me to do it, I'll pull all the eyeballs off a Demon God pillar, but...

Ushiwakamaru: Unfortunately, I've been given no such order. I wish they'd give me some kind of mission...

Ushiwakamaru: crazy that it could make you shiver just hearing about it...

Santa Alter: Fujimaru, do you know that woman who doesn't know how to work out her stress problems, or the loyal dog with the broken brakes?

Santa Alter: Well, it doesn't matter. Excuse me! I'm told Jean Kay is here!

Martha: Huh? Who's there! How long have you been there?

Fujimaru 1: Since just now. I mean it.

Fujimaru 2: I saw nothing. I saw nothing.

Santa Alter: Reindeer is right. We're here to see Jean Kay.

Santa Alter: I'm not at all interested in the things you were saying that would freak out Master if they heard them.

Martha: —Ahem. So you're here for Jing Ke, right?

Martha: Welcome to this distant cave, which normally no one should ever visit.

Martha: I can see you're two... Um, two travelers, right? Please, sit down.

Martha: I'll get dinner ready. Once you have some warm soup, please kindly get out, okay?

Santa Alter: No need for that. Once we're done here we will leave. Where is Jean Kay?

Ushiwakamaru: You mean Jing Ke? Oh, she's...

Jing Ke: What's up? Did somebody call me—?

Jing Ke: Oh, looks like we've got more company! Hey Martha, are you going to cook?

Jing Ke: Add in an order of seared beef, too. Some sea turtle soup would also be great!

Jing Ke: Everything you make is delicious, Martha. I don't know why the world's men aren't banging down your door.

Martha: You're so lazy! All you do is lay around and you never help with the cooking.

Martha: If I had my staff I'd be teaching you a lesson, Jing Ke! What happened to the normal, gallant you?

Jing Ke: Aww. C'mon, just make it! Pretty please! I really like the meat dishes you make!

Jing Ke: Yukhoe? Is that what you call that stuff? Those thin slices of beef you eat raw. It's so good with wine!

Jing Ke: But how do you manage to grind the meat without a blade?

Santa Alter: Wha—t is this?

Fujimaru 1: Definitely a drunk!

Fujimaru 2: Definitely a cutie!

Jing Ke: Hmm? Ushiwakamaru, did you get smaller? What's with the black clothes? Going to war?

Ushiwakamaru: I'm sorry, honored guests.

Ushiwakamaru: Jing Ke began drinking to recover from a traumatic event, and that was ten days ago. Now she's totally toasted.

Santa Alter: I see... She couldn't wait for me, huh? I should've come here first. Forgive me.

Santa Alter: But don't worry. Santa Claus is here for you, little drunkard... No, I mean office lady!

Santa Alter: I've come to deliver your present!

Ushiwakamaru: What? Did you say Santa Claus? Now that you mention it, you do dress like one...

Martha: ...Heh, you've got guts. What makes you think you can just come back and... Never mind.

Martha: I'm gonna smash up your face! Get ready, you villain!

Jing Ke: What? Another Santa? Give me a gift card for a good yakiniku place! I want some beef tongue!

Fujimaru 1: I knew they'd attack us!

Fujimaru 2: What did Santa do?

Santa Alter: ...Looks like this is starting to make sense.

Santa Alter: There's lots I want to ask, but it can wait until after the battle.

Santa Alter: You young ladies who want to spend your Christmas having a party in a gloomy cave—

Santa Alter: This is a royal order! Once I beat you, go try and find yourselves boyfriends!


Jing Ke: I lost—! So close! I just needed nine more steps!

Ushiwakamaru: I give up—!

Martha: Tch... How could I lose twice to this thief... Is it the staff? ...Am I not cut out for a staff after all?

Santa Alter: Hmph. You've finally calmed down, huh? You seem to have it out for Santa Claus.

Santa Alter: Something happened, right? Tell me.

Martha: What do you mean? A Santa Claus came here before.

Martha: When I said, “Yay! Presents! Santa, I want a new set of German cooking knives!” and got all excited...

Ushiwakamaru: ...That Santa made us sign some weird form and then put our stamp on it...

Ushiwakamaru: ...and the next thing we knew we were forced to buy expensive presents with our own money...

Martha: That's not all. When they found out we didn't have enough money, they confiscated our stuff!

Martha: What is that? Some kind of new sales technique? When did Santa Claus turn into a shady company?

Santa Alter: That's impossible! Santa Claus is a friend to children everywhere!

Santa Alter: ...But it seems your story is true. As a fellow Santa, I am upset.

Fujimaru 1: That Santa must be a fake.

Ushiwakamaru: Come to think of it... Santa Alter's wearing black. I didn't realize that she was Santa Claus at first.

Ushiwakamaru: But the other Santa looked just like you'd expect Santa Claus to look.

Fujimaru 2: Santa Alter is a good evil Santa Claus.

Jing Ke: Hmm. That's a complicated way of calling her. So, is she good or bad?

Martha: ...A dark Santa, huh? One that gives awful presents to bad kids.

Martha: Kids might think she's a mean Santa, but objectively speaking, she punishes evil kids so they'll mend their ways.

Santa Alter: That's not true at all. I just give people the gifts they need.

Santa Alter: I have no intention on lecturing anyone. If you want one, you can ask an Avenger.

Santa Alter: Anyway, I'm sorry that happened to you. Let me see... I didn't expect to need presents for three people.

Santa Alter: You, cold-looking woman. This is for you. The real one isn't here, but if you have this with you you'll find it.

Ushiwakamaru: A-A ship? I might be able to do something with a small boat, but a ship this large...

Ushiwakamaru: Well, whatever... If I sneak aboard at night and take the boss out first, the crew will all belong to me.

Santa Alter: That's a dangerous thought. As expected from a genius dog like you. I can see why your brother has such trouble.

Santa Alter: Next...

Martha: Huh? I get something too? You show compassion, even to those you fought?

Martha: I'm sorry. I misjudged you. You are pure-hearted, and a real Santa Claus—

Santa Alter: This is for you. You like these, right?

Martha: Oh my.

Martha: ...Wait a minute! I don't need this! Why would a Saint want to get buff?

Jing Ke: Hey, what do I get? Don't I get a present?

Santa Alter: Of course. You get this, Jean Kay.

Santa Alter: This talisman will help you do your job elegantly, and not panic in front of your target.


Fujimaru 1: She loved it!

Fujimaru 2: ...She thinks it's funny?

Jing Ke: Wonderful! I love this bearded guy—! Wow. That kinda got me. That hit me right in the kokoro.

Jing Ke: I'm gonna go assassinate this guy–! He's got a face that just makes you want to stab him from behind—!

Fujimaru 1: He was already assassinated...

Fujimaru 2: That's crazy...

Ushiwakamaru: ...I'm sorry. Jing Ke almost never gets drunk, but when she does she's like this...

Martha: She's been drinking ever since that Santa Claus got her... It's understandable.

Santa Alter: Hmm... This Santa Claus was good enough to deceive tough-looking girls like you, huh?

Santa Alter: Well, it doesn't matter. My job is done here.

Santa Alter: Let's go, Fujimaru! To the next set of troubled children!

Ushiwakamaru: They left, huh? She turned out to be a good Santa, but...

Ushiwakamaru: Why was my Lord wearing a reindeer costume?

Ushiwakamaru: No, it was very cute, so it was a good Christmas present for me.

Martha: Y-You think she's just into that? That's how Riders are. Anyway—

Martha: ...I don't see Jing Ke, do you?

Ushiwakamaru: Oh.

Ushiwakamaru: —Okay, it's too late! Let's forget about the bearded gentleman!

4th Night: Penname, Daddy-Long-Legs

Emiya: The keel's done for! It'll break any moment now! Isn't it time a certain someone took responsibility for this mess?!

Robin: Don't look at me! This isn't my fault! This whole thing was supposed to be the two of us going on a fishing trip!

Robin: Being equally matched at hunting in the woods, we were supposed to take our contest to sea, so to speak. That's when—

Emiya: That's when— A certain idiot stowed away on our boat and waited for his chance while the two of us were busy in the hold.

Emiya: And saying how he wanted to meet the ladies of the Southern Lands, steered our boat straight out to sea!

Emiya: Isn't that right?

Emiya/Robin: “King David!” “Old Man David!”

David: Hmm... It's one thing when young ladies call my name... But having it shouted by you gentlemen is rather unpleasant.

David: Now, you two. Weren't you ever taught that you must respect your elders?

David: By the way, I'd rather like to return to the shore now. What do you say?

David: What? The sail got broken and we ran out of our magical energy?

David: Then this is an emergency! Quickly, you two! Jump into the water!

David: The boat can still hold my weight if I'm alone. The magical energy stored should hold out too! It's simple math!

Robin: Arrrghh! It's no use, I am about to snap—! Old man, how can you act so high and mighty at a time like this?

Emiya: That's how every one of the Kings of Old behaves! In fact, I can think of one who's like a walking mass of arrogance...

Robin: Wah! This isn't the time to stand around glaring at each other! Let's hurry up and toss some cargo overboard, at least!

Robin: If we get done in by something like this, we'll be the laughingstock of the Servant World!

David: The Servant World? So that's how you refer to it? That's good to know. Thank you!

David: Then in that case, may I ask who the current top comedian is there? I'd like to know for future reference.

Robin: Oh, probably that one girl... The one with the dragon wings and the horns growing out of her head.

Robin: There are lots of other talented ones too, but they fall short of her.

Emiya: What are you babbling on about? As of now, I'd nominate the three of us for the biggest stooges!

David: Oh yes, I'm sorry! That reminds me, do the two of you know the tale of Carneades?

David: When a ship sank upon a stormy sea, one man was fortunate and survived the wreck by clinging to a small piece of driftwood.

David: But there was another fortunate man who survived as well, and he swam toward the first man. Therein arose a problem.

David: The driftwood was large enough to keep one man afloat, but with two, it would certainly sink. Thus, the man—

Robin: Hey, Red Mantle! What do you say we lighten our load by one person right now? Then you and I can continue our contest afterward!

Emiya: For once, I agree with you, huntsman!

Emiya: This is a good chance for us. We can compete to see who's the better Archer right here and now!

David: That saddens me. Nothing ever comes from contention... And, it's already known that I am the superior Archer...

David: But I suppose if I were to knock you off the boat defending myself, none could blame me for it. So I shall join in your contest!

David: Despite my appearance, I was a King of many victories. I must warn you that I am skilled. Extremely skilled.

David: If there were a ranking of “Most-Victorious Kings” in the Servant World, I assure you, I would occupy its top spot.

Robin: Oh, is that so? Fine by me. Killing kings is what I do, so I'll put you out of your misery now!

???: Most-Victorious King? Superior Archer? Hmph. You 3-Stars certainly talk a big game.

Robin: !!! Look above!

Santa Alter: Hohoho! Step aside, you're in the way of my landing!

Robin: ...And who might you be? We were in the middle of something just now, you know?

Santa Alter: The invincible Santa that descends upon Christmas like this storm! That is who I am.

Robin: Huh? Santa? Really? But wait! The sky? You came from the sky?

Robin: Meaning, you have some means of getting off this boat?

Santa Alter: Naturally, I do. Due to this storm, I have left my sleigh and reindeer waiting for me above the clouds.

Santa Alter: A proper Servant must think upon their Master's safety. Isn't that so, Red Archer?

Robin: Oh-hoh! Is this Servant an acquaintance of yours, Red Mantle?

Emiya: —(remains silent with an unreadable expression on his face)

David: Abishag! It's you, Abishag! O Beautiful One, there can be no doubt that you are my Abishag!

David: Ohh, to think that we would both become Servants and meet again like this! I am truly blessed!

David: Come, warm this chilled body of mine as you did in the past. Come, hesitate not.

Santa Alter: You are mistaken, King David. I am Santa Alter, not Abishag.

David: ??? But with beauty such as yours you must be Abishag. Ah. Perhaps you do not recognize me as a youth?

David: I was an old man when I took you as my wife. But fear not, for my heart is as true as ever it was.

David: Be I shepherd, king, or aged man, I declare that the contents of my mind, at base, are ever unchanged!

Santa Alter: Oh? That is well, then. In that case, you were of sound mind when proclaiming yourself the “Most-Victorious King”?

David: Huh? Uh, yes, I suppose that... I was indeed powerful in war.

Emiya: ...Fool... You've dug your own grave...

Santa Alter: Then I shall see your strength tested. Gift distribution can wait till after.

Santa Alter: En garde, Archers! This sword shall rectify your arrogance!

David: Sorry, one moment, please! As I, personally, am not terribly powerful, won't you assist me, gentlemen?

Robin: Huh? Are you completely mad? All we want is to catch a ride on that flying sleigh...

Robin: Though she just might do our bidding if we defeat her. If it's a fight you want, I will gladly comply.

Robin: A Saber-class challenging Archer-class Servants to a fight. This won't even be funny.


Robin: Gwaah—?! Man, I messed up... Now that I look closer, you're actually a Rider-class, aren't you?

Santa Alter: You have an Archer who attacks with a staff. A Rider who attacks with a sack of presents should be fine as well.

David: Hahaha! Well, there's no comeback we can make to that. That said, my Noble Phantasm is pretty Archer-like though.

Emiya: ...Ahem. I assume we're all calmed down now? Why, exactly, did you come here, Santa Rider?

Santa Alter: Fool. I did not come here at my own behest. I came in response to a “Dear Santa” letter.

Emiya: ...I see. I have a pretty good idea who the sender was. I'll bet he asked for jewels to delight his many wives with, right?

Emiya: Really, writing letters to Santa as a full-grown man... What a problematic adult. Seriously.

David: Yes, seriously problematic. One should limit one's childish dreams.

Emiya: What? King David... Um. Pardon me, but wasn't it you?

David: Of course it wasn't. The only one I send my prayers to is our Lord in Heaven.

David: And anyhow, isn't the idea of Santa Claus a bit scary? It's nothing but trouble to receive gifts from someone who wishes nothing in return.

Emiya: If it wasn't me and it wasn't King David, that means—

Robin: All right, all right! It was me, okay? I sent it! Call it a temporary fit of madness–!

Santa Alter: Don't be embarrassed. All are equally accepted in the eyes of Santa Claus. Especially you in the green. You have worked hard.

Santa Alter: Your method of supporting your Master from the shadows rather than coddling them is most praise-worthy. Though a tad under-handed.

Santa Alter: In contrast, you in the red. You spoil your Master too much. What are you, the mother of an exam student preparing for Exam Day?

Emiya: Uh-uh! I object strongly to that! I'm not at all overprotective...

Santa Alter: These presents are for you two. Accept them gratefully.

Robin: !!!! Black Key Assortments?

David: Wow, what an impressive-looking sword! (rather half-heartedly)

Santa Alter: Don't get too happy yet. Your real present is being prepared elsewhere. I sent word ahead of time, so it should arrive soon.

Santa Alter: Farewell, then. Keep your fights moderate during Christmas times!

Emiya: She comes and goes like a storm. I didn't even realize the real storm had passed.

Emiya: Ah, well. At least this means we won't have to listen to the tale of Carneades now.

David: What? Who spoke of Carneades' tale as an example to follow? That's horrendous. Let us put that man to death.

Emiya/Robin: It was you! You haven't learned anything since the Uriah incident, have you?!

David: Now, now. No matter how strained the situation, I am not the kind of man who would be so insensitive as that.

Robin: ...Maybe we really should just toss him overboard? We'd be doing his Master a favor, don't you think?

Emiya: ...Agreed. His existence will only be a bad example. Let's just say King David went back to Okeanos.

David: I apologize, it seems your words were true. I know I am wrong now, please forgive me. Our Lord in Heaven says so, too.

David: Rather, why don't we reflect on our battle just now? Despite our loss, don't you think the three of us make a good team?

David: Nameless One, with your AOE Noble Phantasm. And Faceless One, with his single-target Noble Phantasm.

David: And I, using aggressive evasive tactics to avoid harm, sealing the enemy's special attacks before they are launched.

David: Even humbly speaking, wouldn't we be a rather invincible team? We should become friends, shouldn't we?

Robin: Hmm, that's true enough. We wouldn't have any blind spots as a team.

Emiya: True. We wouldn't be the most powerful team, but we're all elite Archers. With the three of us combined, there'd be no enemy who could—

Elisabeth: Hi! I received your order and have come accordingly! This is the location of the special Christmas concert, right?

Emiya: Ugh, a Lancer?!

Elisabeth: According to the client's order, since we are floating out at sea, I can let loose and sing as loud as I want...

Elisabeth: I won't let anyone escape me tonight! Now let's jump straight into my opening number, “Love is Dracul!”

Robin: Ah, this is the end. We're all going to the underworld with that AOE Noble Phantasm...

Santa Alter: It seems the Home-Delivered Concert from Hell has begun.

Santa Alter: Heh! Those accursed Archers, will drop like flies.

Fujimaru 1: Welcome back, Santa.

Santa Alter: Th-thank you. So you've learned to give Santa a proper greeting after all? You seem to be understanding your role as a reindeer better.

Fujimaru 2: Did something happen down there at all?

Santa Alter: What? I merely sent them an event worthy of Christmas.

Santa Alter: After all, they were wondering who the top comedian in the Servant World was at present.

Santa Alter: In any case, that concludes our detour. Our next “Dear Santa” letter—

Santa Alter: ...comes from Uruk, from a boy named Gilgamesh?!

5th Night: Little Gilgamesh

Santa Alter: This is the address of our next letter-sender, but—

Gilgamesh: My letter should be arriving soon. Not that I normally take any notice of Christmas or whatever it is—

Gilgamesh: That wretched Saber is sure to dress in that manner of getup. Such frivolity... Who would've thought she would answer to such needs so faithfully.

Gilgamesh: It is praise-worthy for a king to endeavor to meet his subjects' expectations. Even I could perhaps learn from her example. But of course, I won't.

Gilgamesh: No, that is not the vital point in this. What I should truly take note of is the institution of Christmas!

Gilgamesh: It is said that however reserved and modest a woman can be, on Christmas, she cannot help but speak the truth of her heart!

Gilgamesh: Ahh, I can't imagine any future but one in which she will confess her feelings for me! Very well. I shall allow it! Thank me for the good service!

Gilgamesh: Now, come quickly, Dark Santa! I shall make you understand our difference through my treasury!

Gilgamesh: Fwahahaha! And then, perhaps I will say something like, “You, yourself, are my Christmas present, aren't you?”

Santa Alter: We're leaving, Fujimaru. This house appears to be empty.

Fujimaru 1: Yes, indeed.

Fujimaru 2: Yes, indeed.

Santa Alter: Reindeer! We have the night off thanks to Gilgamesh's grand delusions.

Santa Alter: And we happen to be floating above a great city. What don't we enjoy ourselves in its entertainment quarter?

Santa Alter: Though there are but rustic eateries here in ancient Uruk, they should have good, simple food to dine upon.

Santa Alter: I, myself, favor that dish of wheat flour mixed with water and stuffed with various fillings that is then baked upon an iron plate and then basted with sauce afterward.

Santa Alter:

I imagine even you could make something like th— What?

Santa Alter: We've been encapsulated by a strange space! Don't leave my side, Fujimaru!

Santa Alter: !!! ...Where are we? This does not appear to be a normal place...

Nursery Rhyme: ...Pardon me... Hello there. Miss, are you Santa Claus?

Jack: You are Santa, aren't you? I mean, you're carrying all those presents, after all.

Santa Alter: Yes, I am Santa. And what manner of beings are you? Are you the ghosts that haunt this place?

Jack: We...are not ghosts or phantoms, I think... But I don't think we are human either...

Nursery Rhyme: Yes... Neither Jack nor I really know what we are...

Nursery Rhyme: We didn't have names either... All we could do is lie here and look at the town...

Nursery Rhyme: But tonight, um...

Jack: Since it's...Christmas... We were thinking we'd like something warm too.

Nursery Rhyme: ...Yeah. That's why, even though we knew that it was wrong...

Nursery Rhyme: ...we forcefully summoned you here “inside” ourselves.

Santa Alter: ...I see. You must be the unfulfilled spirits of young girls. Your lives ended while still innocent, and ignorant of love.

Santa Alter: I see you've gained a sense of self under the light of Christmas. ...Though only due to your sense of loneliness.

Jack: We aren't that complicated. But Alice only had memories of the hospital, so...

Nursery Rhyme: What? Well, you only had memories of a dark sewer, Jack. I don't think that's a good thing. Not at all.

Nursery Rhyme: That's why... At least for one day today, we... We wanted to feel “chosen” by someone too...

Santa Alter: ...I see. So you've never had your names called, or have never been chosen by another?

Santa Alter: —Upon this extraordinary day, the two of you felt that you, alone, were not special?

Fujimaru 1: This sounds like a job for Santa Alter.

Fujimaru 2: Aren't you going to give them presents?

Santa Alter: That I cannot do. I cannot give presents to any who have not written me letters.

Jack/Nursery Rhyme: ...

Santa Alter: However! If you wish it from the bottom of your heart, declare it! Wanting something just because you're lonely means nothing!

Santa Alter: You should want something because it looks like fun, or simply because you want it! There, now. Show some courage!

Jack: O—Okay. T-to be honest, we...

Nursery Rhyme: We want to play like everyone else does! We want a dream that's more fun than this!

Nursery Rhyme: Please, Santa Claus! Please give us presents too!

Santa Alter: Well spoken. I shall answer to this courage. If you have no letter, then come take your presents by force!

Santa Alter: Apologies for keeping you waiting, little ones. Now, let us begin this merry party!


Jack/Nursery Rhyme: Aww... We...lost... I guess there won't be...any Christmas for us...

Santa Alter: ...

Fujimaru 1: ...

Santa Alter: Augh—! I–have–been–defeated—!

Jack/Nursery Rhyme: ...Huh?

Santa Alter: Well fought, my brave little ones! As promised, I shall now give you Christmas presents!

Nursery Rhyme: Ms. Santa!

Jack: Ah... Ohh... Presents... So many presents!

Fujimaru 1: Santa!

Santa Alter: Your face says, “So you do have some good points,” Fujimaru. ...Of course, I do. I am the ally of all children.

Fujimaru 2: Alter-chan!

Santa Alter: Do not call me, “Alter-chan!” Know your place as a reindeer and show some restraint!

Nursery Rhyme: Thank you... Thank you, Santa Claus! But is it really okay for us to have so many presents—?

Jack: Th-that's right... Aren't there many other children waiting for their presents too?

Santa Alter: Heh. You needn't worry about that. I have only one more stop to make.

Santa Alter: What's more, these are merely the spoils of your victorious battle. Now, what shall I give you for your actual, individual presents—?

Santa Alter: Here, take this! These are the presents I have chosen especially for you!

Jack: Ohh... Ohhhh—! This... This is...

Nursery Rhyme: Hurray—! It's a reindeer—! A humongous, humongous reindeer—!

Santa Alter: Two little girls running in gleeful circles around Asterios... Heh! That's what a proper Christmas should be.

Fujimaru 1: ...So you already had a reindeer,

Santa Alter: Fool, that one is only for show. If Asterios were to start running, lightning would streak the sky.

Santa Alter: Which would frighten all the little children. The best thing for this prince is to have him do nothing.

Fujimaru 2: Should we go call Euryale?

Santa Alter: Certainly not. If that wicked goddess were here, she would turn these pure, young girls into demons!

Santa Alter: ...In any case, our work here is done. Even if it is only a dream for one night, enjoy yourselves heartily.

Jack: Ah... Wait, Santa!

Jack: ...Thank you. Never mind me, but thank you for granting Alice's wish.

Nursery Rhyme: Yes, thank you, Santa, and thank you, Jack. Even though I was scared at first, the party was fun!

Santa Alter:

Nursery Rhyme: But I'm glad. It was only because we waited patiently like the fake Santa told us to...

Nursery Rhyme: ...that we got to meet the real Santa Claus.

Santa Alter: —Wait. What do you speak of?

Jack: ...Right. Before you came here, another Santa Claus came too. But...

Jack: ...while that Santa was talking with us, they suddenly said, “Uh-oh. This won't do!”

Nursery Rhyme: “Since I'm not the real Santa Claus, I won't be able to fulfill your wishes. But the real Santa Claus is sure to show up soon.”

Nursery Rhyme: “Please be good girls and wait patiently until then. What? If you can't do that, I'll try to do something for you next year.”

Nursery Rhyme: And after saying that, that Santa disappeared somewhere. She may have been a fake, but she was a cool Santa too!

Nursery Rhyme: Well, good-bye, Santa! And Santa's reindeer! Thank you for bringing presents all the way out here!

Santa Alter: ...A fake Santa. I'd been ignoring it, but now it seems a showdown is inevitable.

Santa Alter: Before I deliver my final present, I must punish this insolent cur. Fujimaru, next up - a showdown!

6th Night: Fake Santa, Caesar

Caesar: Welcome to the snowy fields of the final showdown! Of course, I was the fake Santa!

Santa Alter: —(Tired Sigh)

Caesar: W-What's with that sigh? A duel in a blizzard should be incredibly exciting!

Caesar: Now, let me answer all your questions! I'm ready!

Caesar: Why did I become Santa Claus? Why is Caesar so plump?

Caesar: What kind of beauty was Cleopatra? What's the present going to be on the last day?

Caesar: Everything! Everything! My swift tongue shall melt away all your anger and doubts!

Santa Alter: Shut up, you red igloo! I've no interest in your babbling!

Caesar: Igloo? Oh, those houses they make out of snow. I stand strong against adversity, so it's a good metaphor.

Caesar: But are you sure you can't wait just a little? Don't you want to know the story?

Caesar: No, you should learn the whole thing! It was on a starry night, when I went to Darius' castle.

Caesar: He mistook me for Santa Claus, and became very happy. I had no choice but to take his things.

Fujimaru 1: That makes no sense!

Fujimaru 2: Why didn't you have a choice?

Caesar: Am I supposed to tell someone who's overjoyed to see Santa that they've got the wrong guy?

Caesar: I could do not that, for I am Caesar. But I had no presents to give out.

Caesar: So I borrowed things from Darius. So I could use them as presents, you see.

Caesar: Though I did have Phantom, who just happened to be there, sign off as the buyer.

Fujimaru 1: Are you a demon!?

Fujimaru 2: What did Phantom ever do to you?

Caesar: But in the end, I was just a temporary Santa Claus. I couldn't give them what they truly wanted.

Caesar: Unable to bear their sad crying, I crossed the river and the next thing I knew I was in France.

Caesar: There was a very pure-hearted knight. She... No, he? No, She? Anyway, I did my work there, too.

Caesar: I heard they wished to sell their old possessions and I bought everything they owned.

Caesar: I was fortunate to have the funds from Darius. One of their possessions was a treasure of the French Royal family.

Caesar: They begged me to return it, so I sold it back to them for ten times the price.

Caesar: “Are you really a famous spy, d'Eon? Maybe the enemy just lets you go because you're cute?”

Caesar: I couldn't bear to see the Queen bullying her like that. She was almost in tears.

Caesar: So I went to the mountains and hid, where I found an oriental beauty plotting to assassinate an Emperor.

Caesar: “This time, the Emperor shall die by my hand—”

Caesar: Could any man not be struck by the sight of her meditating beneath that waterfall?

Caesar: Fortunately, I'm half an emperor myself. I told her I could give her good advice, and persuaded her to lend me her daggers—

Santa Alter: Enough! Silence! You're a walking fraud machine!

Caesar: Humph. I'm a victim too, you know.

Caesar: Everywhere I go, people call me Santa Claus!

Caesar: I'm a general and a politician. You could say it's my job to live up to people's expectations.

Caesar: Thus, even if I knew I was fake, I had no choice but to play the role. Though I did have fun.

Caesar: By the way, do you know why they all think I'm Santa Claus? I have no idea.

Fujimaru 1: I mean, you look just like...

Fujimaru 2: Surprised you survived this far, actually.

Santa Alter: ...I see. I'm forcing myself to wear this embarrassing outfit, yet you don't have to do anything for children to love you...

Santa Alter: I have no choice but to kill you! For the sake of the world, and Santa Claus!

Caesar: Hahaha! That's the true Santa Claus for you!

Caesar: To be honest, I was getting tired of being mistaken for Santa Claus and having to run away!

Fujimaru 1: Then stop causing trouble!

Fujimaru 2: You can't live without making trouble, huh?

Caesar: I'm bored, though! Nero and Caligula won't play with me!

Caesar: And Cleopatra is avoiding me! How can I be Caesar if I don't cause trouble for all these lovey-dovey couples!

Fujimaru 1: So you just have a grudge against people!?

Caesar: Hahahaha! I guess you found me out! It's time to fight, then!

Caesar: If I defeat you, I will take the presents, and become the True Santa, that's fine with me!

Caesar: The throne of the rare Servant shall be mine! Now hand it over, Dark Santa!


Caesar: Humph... The wind...stopped... Is this the end...of my battle?

Caesar:'s not so bad... It was hard for me, too... After falling at the hands of the true Santa, I can finally...

Fujimaru 1: Mr. Caesar...

Fujimaru 2: Mr. Igloo...

Santa Alter: —Humph.

Caesar: Jump! Hahaha! That was close! The snow is so slippery!

Santa Alter: He moves around so fast... He's like a seal on ice!

Caesar: I'd prefer you called me a dancing snowman. Hmm, but I can't stop. I can't stop!

Caesar: My plan to take over the role of protagonist and grab the star of glory is ruined!

Caesar: But this is for the best!

Caesar: The star of the festival should be a beautiful Servant, not someone like me!

Caesar: Farewell Dark Santa! Farewell Reindeer! The Christmas nights are at an end, and the 25th is upon us soon!

Caesar: Gather stockings, and a Christmas Eve miracle shall be yours!

Santa Alter: ...He rolled all the way home, huh? We won't be able to catch him.

Santa Alter: But this solves the problem. The fake Santa is gone and will never deceive people again.

Fujimaru 1: I don't think we're done with Caesar...

Santa Alter: ...True. To be honest, when I heard “fake,” I was imagining a different Roman emperor.

Santa Alter: There's another Red Saber... Someday, I'll have to settle things with her.

Fujimaru 2: A Christmas Eve Miracle?

Santa Alter: I-I wouldn't know. Forget it. It's for your own good.

Santa Alter: Fujimaru, there's one night left. There's still one Dear Santa letter.

Santa Alter: I look forward to finding out what kind of child awaits us.

7th Night: Attack! The Alter Next Door

Santa Alter: At last, it's time, Fujimaru. Tonight shall be our last and greatest work.

Santa Alter: The last “Dear Santa” letter is from an Alter, address unknown.

Santa Alter: An evil Servant, crawling in the abyss of a curse... In other words, like me.

Santa Alter: Her present request is for “A board game everyone can have fun playing together.”

Santa Alter: It's a game like the Japanese sugoroku, where you roll the dice to advance your piece, and buy up properties on a game board.

Santa Alter: The players buy land, charging tolls and usage fees to strip the other players of their fortunes and become rich.

Santa Alter: There are many ways to clear the game, but the most common is to reach a certain amount, or bankrupt all the other players.

Santa Alter: Below us is a Servant who would desire such a game. Exciting, isn't it?

Santa Alter: Let's go. Don't forget to smile. Don't forget to pray. Don't forget to be sadistic.

Santa Alter: As Evil Santa Claus, it's time for me to perform my last job!

Santa Alter: I have arrived! Santa Clause descends to the sound of jingling bells!

Jeanne Alter: —This is awful. This is the worst. The worst possible woman who could've come.

Fujimaru 1: Jeanne d'Arc Alter?

Jeanne Alter: I thought it was just that disgusting Servant, but you're here too, huh Fujimaru?

Jeanne Alter: What does a pure-hearted Master want with a fallen woman like me?

Fujimaru 2: L-Lovely Christmas decorations!

Jeanne Alter: How? What part of all this is luxurious?

Jeanne Alter: The spirits did this on their own. It's not my taste. I would've used a burning stake motif.

Jeanne Alter: Or what? Will you be my straw doll Fujimaru?

Jeanne Alter: A straw doll, crucified and burning. I like that. It's enticing.

Jeanne Alter: If you will, I'll forget about what happened before. It won't matter, because you'll be dead!

Santa Alter: Don't you dare bite my Master, rabid dog. You're the one who sent me a letter.

Santa Alter: Heh—I was shocked when I saw the name on the envelope. A girl who's nothing but hatred towards what is good, making a wish?

Santa Alter: Also, the handwriting was very easy to read. I thought you couldn't write.

Jeanne Alter: I studied! Is that bad!? Those scribblings I made were so ugly it made me retch.

Santa Alter: Heh. That's just like you, getting rid of anything you don't like.

Santa Alter: And why does it matter if they're ugly? No one will see them.

Jeanne Alter: Humph. You're not thinking hard enough. I'm a perfectionist. You know, if you sign a contract with bad handwriting—

Jeanne Alter: ...Enough about that.

Jeanne Alter: Why are you calling yourself Santa? Bring out the real Santa.

Santa Alter: Are you blind? Or just stupid? I've brought many presents to children.

Santa Alter: I may not be a Saint, but I'm a real Santa Claus. Fujimaru's trust is proof of that.

Santa Alter: The reason I started this was to fling this present in your face, but now this is my real job.

Santa Alter: I can't be a Saint, but I'm not a fake. Right, my Reindeer?

Fujimaru 1: Santa Alter is a real Santa Claus.

Santa Alter: Indeed. You may deny my words, but not those of Fujimaru. Right, Dark Jeanne?

Fujimaru 2: Santa Alter is a veteran Santa.

Santa Alter: I don't know if there are veteran Santas. But maybe you're right.

Jeanne Alter: Hah— I see. This is an elaborate way of pranking me, huh?

Jeanne Alter: You probably thought I was spending Christmas lonely by myself, right?

Jeanne Alter: But too bad! I'm having fun every day!

Jeanne Alter: I've got so many wonderful friends here with me!

Pierres A to G: “Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!”

Santa Alter: A horde of spirits? You haven't been using them to—

Jeanne Alter: That's right! We're all having fun playing a board game! Games are fun! Games are great!

Jeanne Alter: The weak endlessly trod the path of the weak, and the strong endlessly take from the weak—

Jeanne Alter: Stealing the flesh and blood off the other players as they scream and cry is wonderful.

Jeanne Alter: Yes— I am in first place by far! I have the most capital! Monopoly is fun! Monopoly is great!

Santa Alter: Hmm? It doesn't seem like that much of a difference... There's about a 10,000 dollar difference between 1st and 2nd place—

Pierre D: “Help me!”

Jeanne Alter: !

Fujimaru 1: He just took the lead.

Fujimaru 2: ...Jeanne owes Pierre a million dollars...

Jeanne Alter: Oh, I'm sorry. My hand slipped. Let's start over. Too bad!

Pierre D: “Help me!”

Santa Alter: ...How wicked. You haven't repented at all, have you?

Santa Alter: You'll never make any friends like this, and you definitely won't get to be a Servant.

Jeanne Alter: Humph. I don't want to be a Servant.

Jeanne Alter: I don't need a Master. Why would I want to join you, anyway?

Jeanne Alter: ...I'm fine being alone. I'm fine being alone. I should atone for my sins all by myself.

Jeanne Alter: I don't want anyone's help—least of all the help of Fujimaru, the one who defeated me.

Fujimaru 1: ...Jeanne Alter...

Jeanne Alter: Oh, are you sympathetic? Or disgusted? It doesn't matter. You're annoying me anyway.

Fujimaru 2: You need to play the game fair, though...

Jeanne Alter: How rude. I play fair! Wait, is that what you're thinking about here!?

Jeanne Alter: I just used Jeanne Rule #3: Jeanne gets to do whatever she wants three times!

Santa Alter: I guess nothing we say matters... We'll have to fight.

Jeanne Alter: That's just what I want. Pierres, get ready. You want to work off some of that stress, right?

Jeanne Alter: Torture them. Just like the trials you gave to me in life! Torture them slowly!

Santa Alter: Humph, by the way... I've been wondering, but did you forget how to talk like a Saint?

Jeanne Alter: Oh, I haven't forgotten. This is just for today. I mean, you wouldn't want me using fancy words, right?

Jeanne Alter: Can't you tell? I'm trying to match you. I'm trying to use words your puny, violent brain will understand!

Santa Alter: It must be hard. I understand your pain. I recognize your frustration myself.

Santa Alter: Because I was trying to match your level, and it's been making me want to throw up.

Fujimaru 1: So you're both good friends!

Fujimaru 2: You're both Alter!

Santa Alter/Jeanne Alter: Would you shut up!?


Jeanne Alter: Humph. I guess that's all you can expect out of spirits. The only ones I can rely on are Gilles and the wyverns.

Jeanne Alter: So, what will you do? Keep playing?

Jeanne Alter: I spend my days doing nothing but cursing at the bottom of the Earth. I'll fight as much as you like.

Fujimaru 1: She hasn't changed at all...

Fujimaru 2: She hasn't learned a thing!

Santa Alter: That's right, Fujimaru. The battle will continue until we defeat her mentally.

Santa Alter: Losing won't teach her anything. She'll just try and claim we never won.

Santa Alter: This particular child needs an especially nasty punishment.

Jeanne Alter: ...What? Do you have some kind of trump card?

Santa Alter: Of course. Will you still talk about staying down here forever after you get this present?

Jeanne Alter:

Fujimaru 1: Oh, her expression changed.

Fujimaru 2: Yeah, I kind of know how you feel.

Santa Alter: How does it feel to look at your light... Light? Well, I guess it's light.

Santa Alter: This is what will happen if you stay down here. At this rate, there might even be Jeanne Lily.

Jeanne Alter: —I'm going back to purgatory. I've got better things to do than play here.

Jeanne Alter: I'll build up my Spirit Origin and become a Servant, and next time I'll impale that stupid wannabe Saint!

Pierres: “Oooh!” “We're free!” “We're free!” “We're saved!” “Thank you!” “Thank you!”

Jeanne Alter: Oh, but first, I forgot something.

Jeanne Alter: Let's go, Bishop. You're going to help me with my trials in purgatory, okay?

Pierres: “Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!” “Help me!”

Santa Alter: ...All right. That's the last of the Dear Santa letters. We've handed out all the presents.

Santa Alter: My job is done. Good work, Fujimaru.

Santa Alter: I couldn't have finished this without you.

Santa Alter: Without you, I would've given up after the first person.

Santa Alter: ...I may not look it, but I get bored easily and have a short temper. I'm sure you didn't notice.

Fujimaru 1: Oh, yeah.

Fujimaru 2: Sure, yeah.

Santa Alter: I like that. It's good for a Master to be able to get along with their Servants.

Santa Alter: ... ...

Santa Alter: ...Hmm. So even that's not enough to get my point across, huh? Fine. Get on your knees and lower your head.

Santa Alter: I will point my sword at your shoulders, but I won't cut you. Just bear it for a moment.

Santa Alter: —Once again, I recognize you, Fujimaru. I won't forget what has happened over these last 10 days.

Santa Alter: You are my knight, my follower, and my leader.

Santa Alter: Please keep your light shining into the future.

Santa Alter: ...Now then, the time has come, it seems. Our busy Christmas is over.

Santa Alter: I have one final present for you. A justly deserved reward. Take it.

Santa Alter: ...In other words, a new fighter. I don't need to say anything more, do I?

Santa Alter: Chaldea's system has its flaws, so you'll have to start over from scratch. But that's all right.

Santa Alter: Thanks to its flaws, and its vagueness, so many encounters are possible. It's a good thing.

Santa Alter: My blade is with you! You can ride on my sleigh any time you want!

Santa Alter: Farewell, my Master! —Merry Christmas!

Mash: Senpai!?

Mash: Doctor, it's Senpai! They suddenly appeared in an unoccupied bathroom!

Dr. Roman: What—! Did that bathroom have a hidden room or something?

Fujimaru 1: My head feels... Weird...

Fujimaru 2: I think I saw... Santa...

Mash: Good, you seem like you're okay. Oh, but this is—

Mash: Senpai is REM-REM-ing and looking very tired.

Dr. Roman: Is that right? Long-term Rayshifts are mentally draining, so it's good to get a lot of sleep, but...

Dr. Roman: Oh, their health looks okay.

Dr. Roman: I was worried when you grabbed me and told me Chaldea was in trouble. I'm glad it was nothing.

Dr. Roman: And disappearing only to reappear later is quite the Prestige! It'll be a great trick for the party!

Fujimaru 1: Party?

Fujimaru 2: Wait, is today

Mash: Yes, it's Christmas, Senpai.

Mash: Everyone's waiting for you in the conference room, Christmas cake in hand.

Mash: ...Master? Is something bothering you?

Fujimaru 1: Nah. I've got a funny story to tell you later.

Mash: I look forward to that. I was a little worried it would just be Da Vinci's magic tricks.

Mash: There are only a few days left in the year. Our battle continues, but for tonight, let's enjoy Christmas!