Amor, the Preacher of Love's Saint Valentino! - Chaldea Bitter Valentine's 2023
Section 1: From the Depths of the Abyss
Mash:
At Chaldea, you can always tell when Valentine's Day is approaching...
Mash:
...by the sweet smell that permeates the air.
Mash:
There's something different about all the
Servants gathered in the cafeteria, too.
Mash:
They all seem so excited and happy!
Fujimaru 1:
Hang on. Did anything about that seem strange to you?
Mash:
Strange?
Mash:
It all happened so naturally that I didn't really register it, but now that you mention it...
Mash:
There may have been some Servants mingling who don't normally get along with each other.
Mash:
But that's probably just because this celebration only happens once a year, so everyone's very excited about it.
Mash:
...Or something?
Fujimaru 1:
I guess that could be it...
???:
Hmm, I'm not so sure.
Mash:
Huh?
Kid Gil:
This whole mood doesn't really do it for me. Something about it gives me kind of a bad feeling...
Fujimaru 1:
Hey Gil.
Kid Gil:
Hi, Master. Hello, Mash.
Fujimaru 2:
Kiddy Gil!
Kid Gil:
Ahaha. I don't mind you calling me that, but maybe out in public isn't the best place for it.
Kid Gil:
Just call me Gil, like you would if I was your precocious little brother.
Mash:
A-a little brother, huh... All right.
Anyway...
Mash:
Does all this seem off to you too, Gil?
Kid Gil:
It does feel like the atmospheric magical energy density is a little higher than usual.
Kid Gil:
But then again, there are lots of magecraft experts here at Chaldea, and they don't seem too concerned...
Kid Gil:
So it could all just be in my head.
Mash:
High magical energy density? That's odd. Sheba's readings are still within standard parameters...
Edison:
Gooooood morning! How are you today, Master and Mash?
Edison:
Oh, and a good morning to you too, young Gilgamesh. You're looking clever as ever today!
Nikola Tesla:
Hmm, this works out nicely.
Do you three have plans today?
Nikola Tesla:
Tom and I only meant to get together for a light tea, but we both just got so caught up in our discussion.
Edison:
We certainly did!
Edison:
In fact, we realized we were never going to finish here and were just on our way to Nik's room to continue our discussion of...
Edison:
Crosscurrent!!!
Edison:
Where we discuss the advantages that both direct and alternating current have to offer!
Edison:
Care to join us, Master!? Surely you have impassioned thoughts about electricity of your own that you'd love to share?
Fujimaru 1:
Maybe some other time, thanks.
Edison:
Hmm, I see. Well, that is a great shame.
Nikola Tesla:
Hahaha. Now, now, Tom, do cheer up.
Nikola Tesla:
Or am I not enough of a conversationalist to satisfy you?
Edison:
Of course you are, Nik! Don't be ridiculous!
Edison:
Very well then, come along, my good man, and let us talk the day away!
Both:
Hahaha, hahahaha!
Fujimaru 1:
Well...that happened.
Fujimaru 2:
I've seen this in a movie somewhere...
Mash:
I know what you mean... If we weren't sure something strange was going on before, we certainly are now.
Mash:
Come on, Senpai, let's go to the Command Room.
Mash:
Something strange is definitely happening here at Chaldea, just like you suspected, Gil!
Fujimaru 1:
We've gotta let Da Vinci know about this!
Kid Gil:
Nnn, you know, I'm not sure we should be making more work for her.
Kid Gil:
I mean, even with Edison and Tesla back there...
Kid Gil:
Couldn't it just be that their long and bitter rivalry finally came to an end?
Kid Gil:
I mean, I haven't experienced this myself, since I'm not my grown-up version...
Kid Gil:
But I have heard that the more you dislike someone, the better friends you become with them after having a knock-down, drag-out fight.
Fujimaru 1:
I don't know. That seems...unlikely with them...
Mash:
Come to think of it, one of your Noble Phantasms has the power to see through everything, right, Gil?
Mash:
Is that why you had a bad feeling about this?
Because you noticed something we couldn't?
Kid Gil:
You mean Sha Naqba Imuru? Unfortunately, it's not working very well...
Kid Gil:
...thanks to an even more powerful omnipotent being messing with humanity.
Kid Gil:
...and there are still some residual imbalances in humanity.
Kid Gil:
...since you can't be omnipotent when the entire Earth's future has been wiped clean.
Kid Gil:
So this is really more of a hunch.
Kid Gil:
Anyway, why were you two at the cafeteria, anyway?
Was there something you wanted to do there?
Kid Gil:
Maybe you were waiting for the right time to give a certain special someone a gift?
Mash:
I... Um...
Mash:
No, that can wait until later. Right now, I think we should investigate this hunch of yours.
Kid Gil:
I'm sorry. It was mean of me to ask that.
Kid Gil:
You're right. Important things should be saved for the right time and place.
Kid Gil:
You shouldn't do it now, right when it seems like something big is about to happen at any mo–
Da Vinci:
Fujimaru! Oh good, you're there too, Mash.
Da Vinci:
Sorry to bother you when you're off duty, but I'm afraid we've got something of an emergency here.
Da Vinci:
Do you guys think you could help me out?
Mash:
Of course. Actually, we were just on our way to the Command Room.
Mash:
What's the emergency this time?
A Singularity?
Da Vinci:
No, it's not that. This abnormality is taking place right inside Chaldea.
Da Vinci:
Apparently, we've got Shadow Servants
running around the place.
Mash:
Shadow Servants!? And they're inside Chaldea?
Da Vinci:
Nnn...
Fujimaru 1:
Da Vinci?
Da Vinci:
Well, the thing is, they definitely
look like Shadow Servants...
Da Vinci:
But their existence is so...fuzzy that we can't get a firm reading on them.
Da Vinci:
So I was hoping you could go investigate and/or take care of them directly.
Da Vinci:
Oh, and don't worry about coming to the Command Room. There's no need.
Da Vinci:
So what do you say, Fujimaru?
Will you take Mash and go look into this?
Fujimaru 1:
Sure thing!
Kid Gil:
Then I think I'll go, too.
You don't mind, right, Da Vinci?
Da Vinci:
Oh, hey, Kid Gil! You're there too, huh?
Of course not! That'd be a big help!
Da Vinci:
See, I tried asking other Servants around there to help deal with this as well...
Da Vinci:
But for some reason, they all said they already
had plans or just didn't feel like it.
Mash:
Really? All of them?
Da Vinci:
Yup. But anyway, there's no point laying into them about it now. Would you guys mind taking a look?
Mash:
Shadow Servants in Chaldea...
Mash:
Maybe this is what your bad feeling was about, Gil?
Mash:
Come on, Senpai, let's go check it out!
Da Vinci:
Fujimaru! Oh good, you're there too, Mash.
Da Vinci:
Sorry to bother you when you're off duty, but I'm afraid we've got something of an emergency here.
Da Vinci:
Do you guys think you could help me out?
Mash:
Of course. Actually, we were just on our way to the Command Room.
Mash:
What's the emergency this time?
A Singularity?
Da Vinci:
No, it's not that. This abnormality is taking place right inside Chaldea.
Da Vinci:
Apparently, we've got Shadow Servants
running around the place.
Mash:
Shadow Servants!? And they're inside Chaldea?
Da Vinci:
Nnn...
Fujimaru 1:
Da Vinci?
Da Vinci:
Well, the thing is, they definitely
look like Shadow Servants...
Da Vinci:
But their existence is so...fuzzy that we can't get a firm reading on them.
Da Vinci:
So I was hoping you could go investigate and/or take care of them directly.
Da Vinci:
Oh, and don't worry about coming to the Command Room. There's no need.
Da Vinci:
So what do you say, Fujimaru?
Will you take Mash and go look into this?
Fujimaru 1:
Sure thing!
Kid Gil:
Then I think I'll go, too.
You don't mind, right, Da Vinci?
Da Vinci:
Oh, if it isn't Kid Gil! You're there too, huh?
By all means, I'd be grateful for your help.
Da Vinci:
See, I tried asking other Servants around there to help deal with this as well...
Da Vinci:
But for some reason, they all said they already
had plans or just didn't feel like it.
Mash:
Really? All of them?
Da Vinci:
Yup. But anyway, there's no point laying into them about it now. Would you guys mind taking a look?
Mash:
Shadow Servants in Chaldea...
Mash:
Maybe this is what your bad feeling was about, Gil?
Mash:
Come on, Senpai, let's go check it out!
Mash:
What the...!?
Kid Gil:
Yikes, there sure are a lot of them.
And they do look like Shadow Servants.
Kid Gil:
It's okay if we take them down, right?
Da Vinci:
Hmm. Yeah, I guess it is.
Da Vinci:
We still don't know how they got here, but there's no upside to letting them run around doing whatever.
Da Vinci:
Hmm. Yeah, I guess it is.
Da Vinci:
We still don't know how they got here, but there's no upside to letting them run around doing whatever.
Da Vinci:
So yeah, go ahead and take care of them now, and we'll figure out where they came from later.
Kid Gil:
I couldn't agree more.
Well then, here goes nothing.
Kid Gil:
Gate of–
Da Vinci:
Wait! Stooop! No Babylon! No Babylon!
Da Vinci:
I'm sure yours wouldn't be as bad as your grown-up self's, but we still can't have Servants just slinging around Noble Phantasms all will-nilly in the halls!
Kid Gil:
Hang on. Did you just say I'm weaker than the adult me? Ouch.
Kid Gil:
I know I'm a kid, but my Noble Phantasm still works fine. I know how to control it, too.
Kid Gil:
Don't worry. I was only going to use it to restrain them, anyway.
Kid Gil:
“Beating” your opponents just by killing them is the kind of shortsighted thing grown-ups who are too lazy to think big picture do.
Kid Gil:
There, see? I'm just going to neutralize them one by one.
Fujimaru 1:
C-classy as the legendary king you are...
Mash:
It's working! Gil's chains just captured all five Shadow Servants!
Mash:
All right, Master, let's go deal with these potentially hostile entitie–
Mash:
Look out!
Mash:
Khh... There are even more than we realized!
Mash:
I'll handle this shadow, Master!
You help Gil–
Mash:
Huh?
Cú Chulainn:
What happened, Master? You and Mash are usually way more careful than that. You get sloppy 'cause it's a holiday or something?
Cú Chulainn:
Times like this are exactly when you've gotta pay attention to your surroundings!
Fujimaru 1:
Cú Chulainn!
Mash:
Cú Chulainn! Thank you for helping us!
Cú Chulainn:
Don't bother thanking me. I was just getting warmed up.
Cú Chulainn:
If anything, I'm sorry I took so long to get here.
Didn't realize you guys needed help at first.
Cú Chulainn:
Anyway, this works out nicely. I was just looking for something to do.
Kid Gil:
Really?
Kid Gil:
I'd say if anyone here's being sloppy, it's you. Shouldn't you be more on top of things, being a grown-up and all?
Cú Chulainn:
Me? Shouldn't you be telling your own grown-up self that, too?
Cú Chulainn:
Next time you're at a mirror, why don't you pass him a message that he should try to hang on to at least a tenth of the wisdom and modesty you've got as a kid!
Kid Gil:
Well, I do agree with that, but unlike you, I'm just as wise no matter what age I am.
Cú Chulainn:
Yeah? That your way of saying you've always been this dumb!?
Cú Chulainn:
Ah, but never mind. This ain't the time to be arguing.
C'mon, Fujimaru and Mash!
Mash:
Uh... R-right! I'm good to go at any time!
==ARROW==
Cú Chulainn:
Dammit, they just keep regenerating as soon as you cut them down! We'll never get anywhere like this!
Cú Chulainn:
These things are as tough as Clan Calatin! We've gotta figure something out before they destroy all of Chaldea!
Kid Gil:
Excuse me, Command Room? Is there any way we can get rid of these things for good?
Da Vinci:
Sorry! I wish I could tell you, but we're still analyzing these things! We've never seen anything like them!
Da Vinci:
All we know so far is, they don't have Spirit Cores, their Spirit Origins disperse, and your attacks make them disappear!
Da Vinci:
Sorry! I wish I could tell you, but we're still analyzing these things! We've never seen anything like them!
Da Vinci:
All we know so far is, they don't have Spirit Cores, their Spirit Origins disperse, and your attacks make them disappear!
Da Vinci:
The only thing is, they're not staying that way!
Man, I wonder why they keep coming back!
Cú Chulainn:
...She's really enjoying this, isn't she? Whose idea was it to put her in charge, anyway?
Kid Gil:
Hey, I think it's great that we've got someone so enthusiastic about her job backing us up. In the meantime, we'll just have to do the best we can to wrap things up he–
Kid Gil:
Hang on. Is someone there!?
I just got some major chills down my spine!
???:
Well, well, your senses are quite refined. I wish my assistants had that kind of sensitivity.
Kid Gil:
Aah! I've never felt chills like this before!
No, wait. It's actually kind of familiar!
???:
Buon giorno. Don't worry, I mean you no harm.
???:
Allow me to explain why those things refuse to stay gone.
???:
They are not actually Shadow Servants.
Fujimaru 1:
Who are you!?
???:
There is no point in using violence against those born in the depths of darkness.
???:
No, there is only one way to truly make them disappear.
???:
Hehe. Only one way, huh. That's pretty bold, even for me.
???:
But I'm not embarrassed at all,
since it's the unvarnished truth.
???:
You see, the only way to get rid of them is something that is of utmost importance to all humans...
???:
Love.
???:
Nothing more, nothing less.
Cú Chulainn:
Love? Did she really say “love”?
???:
...You're not very sensitive at all, are you?
Are you sure you're the ultimate Celtic ladies' man?
???:
The very same who jumped into bed with every beautiful woman he met on his travels even after he gave his true love a castle?
???:
...Ugh, just saying it out loud irritates me all over again. Are you just that selfish, or does your “little spear” actually have a mind of its own?
???:
You'd better apologize to Aífe the next time you see her.
Cú Chulainn:
I know, I know! It was all my fault, okay!? Now would
you mind keeping your nose out of my business!?
Fujimaru 1:
(That's a hell of a way to talk to someoneyou just met... Who is this girl, anyway?)
Fujimaru 2:
(The ultimate Celtic ladies' man, huh.)
???:
Hehe. I only got the broad strokes but those were some lovely thoughts.
???:
You pass. I officially recognize you as a Master worthy of being hoisted into the air.
???:
Hello, and good day. Your fortune this morning is five out of five stars.
???:
Your romantic outlook for today is, “Prepare for unexpected encounters.” Put another way, “Trust the goddess before you rather than the person next to you.”
???:
That's right. I have deigned to descend from on high to raise your fortun–
???:
...I suppose I should have known they wouldn't be polite enough to let me finish. Oh well.
???:
I usually make it a point never to provide help without an explicit agreement, but in this case, I suppose I can consider it part of my sales pitch.
???:
Feel free to command me as you see fit, Master.
???:
This is your chance to test your power as a Master and the power of my love to your heart's content.
Mash:
Huh!? Did she just form a temporary contract with you, Master!?
Fujimaru 1:
Looks like she did!
Fujimaru 2:
All right then, let's get to work!
==ARROW==
???:
All right, let me show you what I was talking about. Just sit back and enjoy the show.
???:
This is the light of love that banishes darkness...
???:
The light of love that will fill the entire world!
???:
God Bazooka.
Die.
???:
Phew...
???:
Was it good for you, too?
Fujimaru 1:
Back up. Did you just tell them to die!?
???:
Who, me? Don't be silly.
Mash:
Also, that was clearly just a bazooka blast.
Where did love come into it!?
Mash:
Er... That said, the, uh–non-Shadow Servants?
–do seem to have disappeared now...
Cú Chulainn:
...(She's bad news, isn't she?)
(*Conveyed to Kid Gil via subtle wink)
Kid Gil:
...(Oh yes. Very bad news.)
(*Conveyed to Cú Chulainn via subtle wink)
Cú Chulainn:
...Hey, kid. She's a friend of yours, right?
Cú Chulainn:
So go on, get her out of here already.
And make sure she never comes back.
Kid Gil:
Hahaha, don't be ridiculous. This is the first time I've seen such a person around Chaldea.
Kid Gil:
If anything, you're the one who
seemed to recognize her.
Kid Gil:
Are you sure she's not from your neck of the woods?
Maybe you used to date her or something.
Cú Chulainn:
Now who's bein' ridiculous!? Trust me, not even the Celts go in for love that crazy!
Cú Chulainn:
No, I've never seen her before, either.
She looks vaguely familiar, but that's all.
Cú Chulainn:
Besides, no way would I forget such an evil face.
Kid Gil:
There, you see? I'm sure she remembers you even if you don't remember her.
???:
(Slaps)
Both:
Yeowww!
???:
Quiet, both of you. When did you two become such whiny little mongrels, anyway?
???:
Careless words lead to disaster, and vague memories lead to confusion. So if you're ever unsure whether you should say something, here's an easy rule of thumb: don't.
Da Vinci:
So, um... I appreciate you helping us out here...
but you're not a Chaldean Servant, are you?
Da Vinci:
Who in the world are you, anyway?
???:
Me?
???:
My name is Amor.
The god of love.
Amor:
I'm a beautiful, dainty Divine Spirit where what you see is what you get. A pleasure to make your acquaintance♡
Mash:
Amor? God of love!?
Cú Chulainn:
...
...
Cú Chulainn:
What we see is what we get...?
Kid Gil:
Beautiful and dainty...?
Both:
(I don't trust this goddess one bit!)
Section 2: The Woman Named Caren
Amor:
Let's try this again with a more proper introduction, shall we?
Amor:
I'm Amor, the god of love.
Amor:
Of course, it would usually be impossible to summon a Divine Spirit like myself as a familiar...
Amor:
...so as you can see, I've materialized as a Pseudo-Servant by using this stunningly beautiful girl as a vessel.
Da Vinci:
Amor...
Da Vinci:
As in, the god of love from Roman mythology!?
Fujimaru 1:
Then you know about this god, Da Vinci?
Fujimaru 2:
I knew you'd know who she is, Da Vinci!
Da Vinci:
I sure do!
Da Vinci:
Amor...
Da Vinci:
As in, the god of love from Roman mythology!?
Fujimaru 1:
Then you know about this god, Da Vinci?
Fujimaru 2:
I knew you'd know who she is, Da Vinci!
Da Vinci:
I sure do!
Da Vinci:
First, putting aside the fact that everything I'm about to tell you is straight out of myth...
Da Vinci:
Amor originally comes from ancient Greece.
Da Vinci:
The ancient Greeks believed that a number of primal gods were born at the same time the world was created, and one of them was Eros, the god of erotic love.
Da Vinci:
But then, as the mythology was developed further, Eros was effectively reinterpreted as Aphrodite's son.
Da Vinci:
As more time passed, and Rome incorporated Greek mythology into its own...
Da Vinci:
...Eros and Amor, the Roman god of love, were eventually conflated.
Da Vinci:
Suffice to say, Amor's got a lot of history, even for a god.
Da Vinci:
Speaking of which, Amor actually has yet another name, too. One I'm pretty sure you've all heard before.
Da Vinci:
You know, the adorable little cherub who carries arrows of love, much like Artemis?
Amor:
Cupid.
Amor:
Yes, I'm sure you all do know me as Cupid,
the cherub of love.
Amor:
But that doesn't matter right now.
Amor:
The Spirit Core that makes me me may be Amor, but as far as I'm concerned, the only one I consider to be the lord of the heavens is God the Father.
Amor:
So really, I'd rather you didn't call me Amor or Cupid.
Amor:
I'm not a Greek god of love, but rather an agent of the Holy Spirit–a missionary of love, if you will.
Amor:
So please, call me Caren C. (for Cupid) Hortensia.
Da Vinci:
Hmm. God the Father, huh.
Da Vinci:
That makes it sound like you're
affiliated with the Holy Church.
Da Vinci:
And that would mean your current sense of self comes from your vessel, rather than from Amor.
Da Vinci:
I see. So you're a Pseudo-Servant who's entrusted
their power to their human vessel's personality.
Da Vinci:
Hmm. God the Father, huh.
Da Vinci:
That makes it sound like you're
affiliated with the Holy Church.
Da Vinci:
And that would mean your current sense of self comes from your vessel, rather than from Amor.
Da Vinci:
I see. So you're a Pseudo-Servant who's entrusted
their power to their human vessel's personality.
Da Vinci:
Hmm. Given that most people who get chosen as vessels for gods tend to not exactly be...well, normal...
Da Vinci:
I wonder where you'll fall on that spectrum...
Caren:
All right, that's enough fan service.
I'm going to go back to my regular outfit now.
Mash:
Oh wow, your outfit is beautiful!
Are you a student, Amo–er, Caren?
Mash:
Your clothes are very chic, of course, but I especially love your hat! It's so cute and elegant!
Caren:
No, I'm not a student per se... This is just the new outfit I had made up for this occasion.
Caren:
I'm glad to hear you like it, though.
Collecting hats is one of my few hobbies.
Cú Chulainn:
Your few hobbies...?
Caren:
Thank you, Mashérie. May I give you an arrow of love as a token of my appreciation?
Mash:
Th-that's all right, thank you!
Mash:
Also, it's “Mash” not Mashérie!
Caren:
I see. How very selfless of you.
Caren:
It's too bad you won't take a treat when it's offered. (For one thing, it's so much more boring...)
Caren:
All right, what if I played you a song on my organ then? Perhaps Bach's Cantata BWV 147, in honor of getting to know one another?
Caren:
It's one of the few things I'm proud of.
Kid Gil:
Only a few, huh?
Caren:
(Slaps)
Kid Gil:
Ow, ow, ow!
Cú Chulainn:
What was that for!?
Caren:
Pardon me. I sensed you two were slandering me for no good reason.
Caren:
As for you, I've noticed you haven't so much as batted an eye at anything I've said or done since I arrived.
Caren:
You must be either extremely important, or just extremely easygoing.
Caren:
Which means...you must be Fujimaru,
the Master of Chaldea. Right?
Fujimaru 1:
That's me.
Fujimaru 2:
You got it.
Caren:
...Hehe. That'll be another thing worth testing, then...
Caren:
You'll have to forgive me for pressuring you to accept that, um, temporary contract earlier.
Caren:
It was just a means to an end to let me receive orders from you...
Caren:
So if you ever find our connection to be a burden, please feel free to sever it at any time.
Mash:
Um, Caren C. Hortensia?
Caren:
Hm? ...Oh, you mean me. Well, that certainly is a lot
to say every single time, isn't it? It's okay, you can just call me Caren.
Mash:
A-all right.
Mash:
Caren, do you know anything about those not-Shadow Servants?
Caren:
Ah, those? Let's see... I think the simplest way to describe them is...
Caren:
Ectoplasm.
Fujimaru 1:
I see...
Caren:
Hmm, that took a bit of a strange turn, didn't it?
Let me try that again.
Caren:
Think of them as evil spirits drawn to the wickedness that lies in people's hearts.
Caren:
You could also call it animosity, or impurities.
Mash:
I-I see...I think.
Mash:
All right, now that we know what they are, why did they suddenly show up here at Chaldea?
Caren:
Good question... Unfortunately, I can't think of a simple explanation for that.
Caren:
I expect it probably has something to do with Valentine's Day, though. Especially since I'm here, too.
Mash:
Um, can you elaborate on that?
Caren:
It wasn't Fujimaru that summoned me here.
Caren:
It was this festival of love you call Valentine's Day that called me here temporarily.
Caren:
Valentine's Day is the cause of all of this.
Caren:
It was Valentine's Day that birthed those evil spirit creatures...
Caren:
And it was Valentine's Day that summoned me here as a missionary of love.
Caren:
Now do you get it?
Fujimaru 1:
I really don't.
Fujimaru 2:
Not even a little.
Cú Chulainn:
Right? I don't even know what the hell you were trying to say.
Kid Gil:
I do wish you wouldn't try to make arguments with foregone conclusions.
Caren:
...
Caren:
Ahem. I was explaining the reason I was summoned here.
Caren:
I am a missionary here to save Chaldea.
Caren:
I sensed the encroaching threat that Valentine's Day posed–by which I mean those evil spirit creatures...
Caren:
...so I was sent here in the Lord's name to save you all from that threat.
Caren:
Well, it may not have happened exactly like that, but you understand what I am saying, yes?
Fujimaru 1:
(So, how does the bazooka fit into all that...?)
Fujimaru 2:
(So Valentine's Day is a threat, huh. The more you know, I guess...)
Kid Gil:
(Master, Master.)
Kid Gil:
(There's something very suspicious about this Servant.
I'm positive she's hiding something.)
Cú Chulainn:
(Well whaddaya know.
Sounds like you and I are on the same page.)
Cú Chulainn:
(All right, so now that we all agree about that,
what do we do next?)
Fujimaru 1:
Well, I don't think she's lying...
Fujimaru 2:
Well, she does seem to be a genuine god of love...
Da Vinci:
It seems pretty clear those Shadow Servants–No, wait. We shouldn't be calling them that, since that's not what they are.
Da Vinci:
Let's go with Bitter Shadows instead. That's much more in line with the whole Valentine's Day thing.
Da Vinci:
Anyway, they're pretty tough–well, immortal, really, which makes them dangerous.
Da Vinci:
At least we were able to eliminate the ones you found there with that, um, unusual ordnance (read: bazooka)...
Da Vinci:
But am I right to assume that those Bitter Shadows are going to show up again, Caren?
Caren:
...Say it again.
Da Vinci:
Huh? Say what again? Do you not care for the name “Bitter Shadows”?
Caren:
Not that. My name. Say it again, please.
Da Vinci:
U-uh, okay...Caren. (You know, for a missionary of love, I get the feeling she's kind of starved for it herself.)
Da Vinci:
At any rate, those weren't the last Bitter Shadows, were they?
Caren:
No, they weren't. I suspect they'll keep showing up for as long as Valentine's Day festivities continue.
Da Vinci:
...Got it.
Da Vinci:
I can't say I completely grasp what's going on here just yet, but it is clear she has the means to fight back against this new threat.
Da Vinci:
Hell, she basically said she showed up here for the sole purpose of defeating these Bitter Shadows.
Da Vinci:
So Fujimaru, could I ask you to work with her for the time being?
Da Vinci:
In the meantime, I'll work on figuring out exactly what the deal is with these Bitter Shadows.
Da Vinci:
Oh, and Mash?
Mash:
Y-yes?
Da Vinci:
It seems pretty clear those Shadow Servants–No, wait. We shouldn't be calling them that, since that's not what they are.
Da Vinci:
Let's go with Bitter Shadows instead. That's much more in line with the whole Valentine's Day thing.
Da Vinci:
Anyway, they're pretty tough–well, immortal, really, which makes them dangerous.
Da Vinci:
At least we were able to eliminate the ones you found there with that, um, unusual ordnance (read: bazooka)...
Da Vinci:
But am I right to assume that those Bitter Shadows are going to show up again, Caren?
Caren:
...Say it again.
Da Vinci:
Huh? Say what again? Do you not care for the name “Bitter Shadows”?
Caren:
Not that. My name. Say it again, please.
Da Vinci:
U-uh, okay...Caren. (You know, for a missionary of love, I get the feeling she's kind of starved for it herself.)
Da Vinci:
At any rate, those weren't the last Bitter Shadows, were they?
Caren:
No, they weren't. I suspect they'll keep showing up for as long as Valentine's Day festivities continue.
Da Vinci:
...Got it.
Da Vinci:
I can't say I completely grasp what's going on here just yet, but it is clear she has the means to fight back against this new threat.
Da Vinci:
Hell, she basically said she showed up here for the sole purpose of defeating these Bitter Shadows.
Da Vinci:
So Fujimaru, could I ask you to work with her for the time being?
Da Vinci:
In the meantime, I'll work on figuring out exactly what the deal is with these Bitter Shadows.
Da Vinci:
Oh, and Mash?
Mash:
Y-yes?
Da Vinci:
Would you mind helping me out up here?
I could really use the extra hands.
Da Vinci:
I hate to ask you, since I know you were all enjoying the festivities together, but...
Mash:
Thank you for your concern, Da Vinci, but...it's okay.
Mash:
Gil and Cú Chulainn will go with Master in my place.
Kid Gil:
Wat.
Cú Chulainn:
Wat.
Fujimaru 1:
Wat.
Kid Gil:
Ahaha, wouldn't you know it, I just remembered some
urgent business I have to–Aah!
Cú Chulainn:
Hahaha, and just where do you think you're going, Gil?
Cú Chulainn:
Look, I don't like this any more than you do,
but that doesn't mean we can just take off.
Cú Chulainn:
The little girl is counting on us here. We can't let her down.
Cú Chulainn:
As Servants who've been around much longer than she has, don't you think the manly thing to do is to live up to her expectations?
Kid Gil:
...(Sigh) I've never cared one way or another for doing things because they're “manly.” That seems like a stupid, self-defeating way to approach life.
Kid Gil:
But, if Mash needs my help, then I guess I'll just have to step up.
Cú Chulainn:
Attaboy! You know, you're a hell of a lot more understanding than your grown-up self!
Kid Gil:
Yes, yes, I'm sure. Just remember that being TOO understanding can make you indifferent to just about everything.
Cú Chulainn:
All right, there you have it.
Cú Chulainn:
You go ahead and help Da Vinci out in the Command Room, missy. We'll watch Master's back.
Mash:
Thank you, you two.
I know you'll take good care of [♂ him /♀️ her]!
Fujimaru 1:
Good luck with everything on your end too, Mash.
Mash:
Thank you, Master. Be careful out there!
Caren:
Now then.
Caren:
Since we're all on the same page, there's one more thing I need to tell you.
Caren:
I wish I didn't have to bring this up,
as it's quite a touchy subject...
Cú Chulainn:
Really? Could've fooled me.
You look like you can't wait to tell us.
Cú Chulainn:
All right, what is it then?
Caren:
Well, you see...
Caren:
My bazooka requires a very particular type of cartridge...
Caren:
...which means I have to charge a...modest usage fee for every shot I fire.
Caren:
It comes to about this much.
Cú Chulainn:
Are you freaking kidding me!?!?
Kid Gil:
Yikes. That's a lot of QP, and this is me talking.
Fujimaru 1:
Wouldn't you know it, I'm fresh out of zeroes...
Fujimaru 2:
You call this “modest”!?
Caren:
I'm so sorry. I can be a bit naive when it comes to
the world of the [♂ working man /♀️ working woman]... Are you perhaps
struggling to buy food or something?
Caren:
I really thought I had done my homework about what the going rates were these days, too... But, I'm afraid that's going to be a problem.
Caren:
We can't defeat the Bitters without the bazooka, but I simply won't pay for its cartridges myself...
Caren:
Hmm... Hmmm...
Oh, I just had an idea.
Caren:
What if we did something like this?
Caren:
Instead of paying me directly to use my bazooka, you could all collect materials I can exchange for mon–
Caren:
Ahem. I mean, which I can use to make more godly cartridges.
Caren:
What's more, as luck would have it...
Caren:
There's plenty of small bits of magical energy floating around that can't become Bitter Shadows.
Caren:
You won't need my bazooka to handle them, and as they say, a penny saved is a penny earned.
Caren:
So I'd like you all to work tirelessly to eliminate those bits, collect materials, and donate them to me.
Caren:
You don't mind doing that, right? It's all to restore peace to Chaldea, after all.
Caren:
Good. Then I'll be counting on all of you to keep those donations coming.
Fujimaru 1:
Well, I guess Valentine's Day's isn't gonna save itself.
Cú Chulainn:
...Yeah, all right.
I'm not gonna back out now after coming this far.
Kid Gil:
Something tells me just getting rid of the Bitter Shadows isn't going to be the end of this, though.
Kid Gil:
It can't be a good sign that both our warrior's intuitions are telling us this is a bad idea.
Section 3: Lost Sheep
Caren:
I was given knowledge of this place when Amor chose me for his vessel...
Caren:
...but it's still a surprise to see the Chaldea Security Organization up and running.
Caren:
All these different Heroic Spirits coming together to face a threat to the very world and restore humanity...
Caren:
Well, it's all very inspiring.
Fujimaru 1:
Any chance you might want to join them, Caren?
Fujimaru 2:
You know, we could really use your help, too.
Caren:
Of course. I would never have become a Pseudo-Servant if I weren't interested in helping.
Caren:
Truly, it is all thanks to the Lord that I was given this opportunity.
Caren:
Not to mention that,
with all of these fine Heroic Spirits...
Caren:
...I should be able to realize my dream of an ideal world filled with love.
Kid Gil:
Hmm. Her opportune appearance was pretty fishy, but I can't deny that she's saying all the right things now.
Cú Chulainn:
Y-yeah, that's true. If we're just going off looks and elegance, she could give our princess a run for her money.
Cú Chulainn:
But whenever I look at that red outfit of hers,
I always feel weirdly unsettled.
Cú Chulainn:
It's almost like...it's unearthing some kind of trauma buried deep in my soul or something...
Caren:
You two are Lord Gilgamesh and Lord Cú Chulainn, right?
Caren:
It's an honor to be here speaking with two of the greatest heroes the world has ever known.
Caren:
What a strange twist of fate that has brought us all here. It's as though we're bound by unbreakable diamond chains.
Fujimaru 1:
Are you sure you've never met them before?
Caren:
Oh yes, absolutely. It's quite nerve-racking,
meeting everyone for the first time like this.
Illya:
Hi, [♂ mister /♀️ miss] Fujimaru!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Fujimaru 1:
I see you're as cheery as ever today.
Fujimaru 2:
Happy Valentine's Day!
Kid Gil:
It's nice to see you all hanging out together. And I see you've also got an unusual addition to your group today.
Erice:
...Hello.
Cú Chulainn:
You're right, this is unusual.
You all headed out somewhere?
Erice:
No...
Erice:
We weren't doing anything in particular.
Erice:
We just happened to end up together, got to talking, and decided to go to the cafeteria...
Cú Chulainn:
Well, you sure don't sound excited about it.
Cú Chulainn:
I thought I remembered you being a little more, you know, assertive. It's no wonder you're getting jerked around if you're gonna be all wishy-washy.
Cú Chulainn:
Look, you wouldn't just let your opponent do whatever they wanted in a fight, right? So why don't you try applying that same attitude to your normal life?
Erice:
O-okay!
Erice:
Um, by the way... May I ask who that is?
Caren:
Oh, does this mean I can come out now?
Caren:
Hello. Nice to meet you.
Caren:
I'm the Servant version of Amor, the god of love.
Caren:
But please feel free to call me Caren and treat me like an old frien–
Illya:
Urk.
Chloe:
Urk.
Miyu:
Urk.
Erice:
Ah.
All Four:
Aaaaaah!
It's Ms. Careeeeeen!
Caren:
Huh? Ms. Caren?
Fujimaru 1:
So, you've met them before, then?
Chloe:
Wh-wh-wh-wh-what's going on!? What are you doing here!?
Illya:
Yeah! What are you doing here, Ms. Caren!?
Illya:
No, wait. Hang on.
Illya:
I think there's something...different about her.
Miyu:
...She does seem a lot smaller.
Miyu:
Maybe...she's Kid Ms. Caren?
Kid Gil:
Hmm, I can't say I care for this trend of attaching “Kid” to anything and everything.
Miyu:
Oh... I'm sorry.
Cú Chulainn:
So what's this all about?
Cú Chulainn:
You girls all know who this is already?
Illya:
Well, yeah. She was our school nurse.
Illya:
Although, that Ms. Caren was more
grown-up than this one is.
Caren:
Are you...
Caren:
...
...
Caren:
Never mind. I understand now.
Caren:
You see, I'm a Pseudo-Servant acting as a vessel for Amor the Divine Spirit...
Caren:
And unfortunately, I have no memories of the time we presumably spent together.
Caren:
Perhaps this means the version of me you met was from a different world than I am?
Illya:
Aww, really?
Illya:
And here I was excited to meet someone I knew in my original world.
Erice:
...
...
Caren:
Oh dear, is something wrong?
Erice:
Ulp. N-no, nothing's wrong. It's just... Um...
Erice:
Right... Of course. I knew this couldn't possibly be the case, but...
Erice:
For just a moment, I thought you might be Caren Fujimura, is all...
Illya:
(Fujimura...)
Miyu:
(As in Ms. Fujimura?)
Chloe:
(Where did that name come from?)
Caren:
I have no way of knowing what sort of chaotic world you may have come from...
Caren:
But I do apologize if I inadvertently gave you the wrong idea.
Erice:
Oh no, not at all!
Caren:
Still, after hearing all that,
there is one thing I do know.
Caren:
I must have been one of your favorite teachers, and you all must have admired me deeply.
Caren:
I can almost see it now. Me, smiling and happy, surrounded by a group of adoring children.
Caren:
Yes, I can almost...almost...
Caren:
...
Fujimaru 1:
Something wrong?
Fujimaru 2:
Um... Having a little trouble picturing it after all?
Caren:
...So it would seem. I guess my imagination isn't as strong as I thought.
Cú Chulainn:
You sure you're not just keenly aware that there exists no universe where that would ever happen?
Caren:
Shut up.
Cú Chulainn:
Yeow!
Caren:
Now, where were we...? Oh, yes. I have a very clear mental picture now.
Caren:
Erice, was it?
Caren:
I can tell that you must have respected me–
I mean, this other Caren, a great deal.
Caren:
What a beautiful teacher and student relationship you must have had.
Caren:
That goes for the rest of you, too. Thank you for adoring the me you knew in your worlds.
Erice:
N-not at all, um, God Caren!
You're much too kind!
All Three:
...
...
Chloe:
(A beautiful teacher and student relationship, huh...)
Miyu:
(I definitely don't think I'd put it like that...)
Illya:
(She really does remind me a lot of Ms. Caren, though...)
Erice:
By the way...
Erice:
Can I ask what brings you to Chaldea...Caren? Did our Master summon you here?
Fujimaru 1:
Yeah, about that...
Chloe:
I see. Bitter Shadows, huh.
Chloe:
I had no idea things like that
were roaming around Chaldea.
Illya:
Ohhh, so that's what's going on here.
Illya:
...Wait. Isn't that kind of a big deal?
Cú Chulainn:
Yeah, kind of. There's not a whole lot we can do until we figure out where they're coming from, after all.
Cú Chulainn:
So we're basically just wandering around seeing what's up. Guess those Bitter Shadow things and us have that in common.
Fujimaru 1:
Has anything out of the ordinary caught your eye lately?
Fujimaru 2:
Have you noticed anything out of the ordinary?
Miyu:
Out of the ordinary...
Kid Gil:
Oh? Do you have an idea, Miyu?
Miyu:
Well, um, it's probably not that big a deal...
Miyu:
But there is a new kind of chocolate being sold here that's been all the rage lately.
Miyu:
It's so hard to get ahold of that everyone calls it elusory chocolate.
Cú Chulainn:
Gotcha. So it's the kind of thing where stores make up some special limited edition item to drum up interest, right?
Kid Gil:
Come on, Cú Chulainn, you don't have to put it like that.
Kid Gil:
It may be something of a last resort, but these struggling small businesses need to spread the word somehow, right?
Cú Chulainn:
...At least I didn't call it a “last resort”...
Cú Chulainn:
Anyway, what about this elusory chocolate struck you as being out of the ordinary?
Chloe:
Well, we've only heard rumors ourselves,
and we're not sure how credible they are...
Chloe:
But they say that the merchant selling this chocolate comes and goes in the blink of an eye...
Chloe:
...And that they wear a paper bag over their head. A real simple one, like they give you at bakeries and stuff.
Fujimaru 1:
...A paper bag.
Cú Chulainn:
The hell!? No, seriously, what the hell's that all about!?
Kid Gil:
I-I do have a hard time seeing how that could have any connection to this Bitter Shadows incident...
Kid Gil:
Are you sure it's even someone from Chaldea?
Miyu:
Everyone says it's probably just the kykeon lady or someone from the Servantverse...
Miyu:
...and they don't seem concerned at all.
Fujimaru 1:
Guess it's possible to get TOO used to stuff like this...
Erice:
Hmm...
Erice:
Those guys seemed like they were anxious about something today, too.
Erice:
I wonder if that had anything to do with these Bitter Shadows...
Kid Gil:
Oh?
Kid Gil:
Did you sense something amiss too, Ms. Erice?
Erice:
I wouldn't be that specific really. It's more like...a general feeling of unease?
Caren:
...
...
Caren:
Erice, was it?
Caren:
I think I understand why this Caren Fujimura you knew was concerned about you.
Caren:
It's because you, me, and Caren Fujimura...
Caren:
...all have the same kind of secret, isn't it?
Erice:
!!!
Erice:
So, you could tell. I thought you might be able to.
Erice:
Then, does that mean that you also–
Caren:
Oh yes, I could tell right away. You have...
Caren:
...fabulous fashion sense!
Erice:
...
...
Erice:
???
Caren:
You're boldly exposing a great deal of skin,
all while retaining an unflappable demeanor.
Caren:
That is something only one attempting to offer herself to a divine domain could do.
Caren:
What's more, that avant-garde outfit of yours is, to put it modestly, utterly perfect!
Fujimaru 1:
Can't say I saw that one coming.
Erice:
...So you noticed.
Erice:
Yes. This outfit is my attempt to honor the Holy Grail's accords while complying with Chaldea's dress code.
Erice:
It's based on simple, ancient Japanese clothing, and it's my way of paying my respects to outfits like omigoromo and chihaya, worn for holy rituals.
Erice:
But I still have a long way to go before I can hope to measure up to my inspirations! That's why I sometimes inadvertently embarrass some of the people I come across...
Caren:
There's no need to be so modest.
Caren:
Just because society at large doesn't understand you doesn't mean you need to hide who you are.
Caren:
I once went by a certain nickname, and now, I think it's only right that you go by it yourself.
Caren:
From here on, you should call yourself...
Caren:
The Commando Queen.
Erice:
B-but, I'm NOT going commando!
Erice:
Th-then again, i-if you of all people think I should...
Erice:
I suppose I could at least think about giving it a–
Caren:
Gotcha.
Caren:
God Flash!!!
Erice:
Ghh...
What...is this...?
Caren:
I knew it.
Caren:
You had another secret as well.
Illya:
Erice!? Huh!? What's going on!?
Caren:
Hmm. This isn't strictly accurate, but for the time being, let's just say she's been possessed by a demon.
Caren:
You see, your body is overly acclimated to hosting things of that nature.
Caren:
The beam of light I struck you with completely lowered your defenses and exposed the cracks in your heart.
Caren:
Now, all the corrupt magical energy floating around Chaldea has been drawn to you to take advantage of them.
Erice:
Huh? Then, you knew this would happen?
Caren:
Of course. Oh, and before you get angry at me, you should know that it was a necessary sacrifice.
Caren:
...Wait. That sounds like it might
be someone else's catchphrase...
Caren:
Let me rephrase that then. I had no choice.
Caren:
I'm exhausted, and I didn't want to run around looking for that magical energy, so I thought I'd have it come to me–well to you, instead.
Erice:
And you never thought to ask me first!?
What kind of a teacher are you!?
Erice:
Khh... My right hand... It's throbbing...!
Erice:
Everyone, please...get away from me...!
I can't...hold it back...much longer...!
Caren:
I knew it. That's just how I thought you'd react.
Caren:
Fujimaru.
Caren:
Now that they've possessed her, this Bitter Shadow has managed a partial physical manifestation.
Caren:
Firing my bazooka at them now
isn't going to have much effect.
Caren:
So I'd like all of you to neutralize Erice first.
Miyu:
Um, what exactly do you mean by “neutralize”?
Caren:
Hit her until she stops moving. Obviously.
Chloe:
THAT'S your plan!?
Cú Chulainn:
You, uh, might want to rethink your methods a little bit going forward...
Kid Gil:
She's certainly not a sterling example of a fettered hero, is she?
Illya:
E-even so, we still have to do what she says,
at least for now!
Illya:
Hang in there, Erice! I promise we'll save you!
Caren:
Wonderful. Now that is true friendship for you.
Caren:
I'm sure the Lord will be pleased to see you girls playing together like this, even if you do end up a bit bruised in the process.
Illya:
Is the whole concept of remorse just completely foreign to you!?
==ARROW==
Caren:
Now! God Bazooka, fire!
Erice:
Urk...
Caren:
Thank you, Erice.
Caren:
Chaldea is safe once more, and I couldn't
have done it without your cooperation.
Fujimaru 1:
“Cooperation,” huh...
Cú Chulainn:
Damn, that's kind of impressive. I wonder what you gotta eat to develop a skin that thick...
Kid Gil:
Illya, I'm sorry to ask, but would you mind taking her to the infirmary?
Kid Gil:
Also, you should probably just stay there while you're at it, if only to keep the, uh, “sacrifices” to a minimum.
Kid Gil:
Honestly, I'm not thrilled at being mixed up in this myself, but it's too late for me to back out now.
Illya:
Th-thank you, Gil!
Um... Good luck, I guess!
Chloe:
Don't you die on us, you hear!?
Miyu:
Um, I don't think we have to worry about that, at least...
Caren:
Hmm... Well, I guess I won't be able to use that trick anymore.
Caren:
Not that I was planning to do so again, anyway.
Fujimaru 1:
Oh really, now?
Caren:
Hehe.
Caren:
Don't you remember what I said about her fabulous fashion sense?
Caren:
I really like her style, so I wouldn't ever want to put her through the wringer...more than once a day.
Fujimaru 1:
(So she did know she was putting Erice through the wringer...)
Fujimaru 2:
(I wonder if the original Ms. Caren was...like this.)
Caren:
At any rate, that takes care of all the wicked magical energy in this area.
Caren:
Which, unfortunately, also means the end of our fun break hanging out with those nice girls.
Caren:
Still, that's a small sacrifice to make to protect Valentine's Day. Now come on, let's continue our search.
Section 4: A Trying Love
???:
...mas...
Fujimaru 1:
What was that?
Fujimaru 2:
Did anyone else hear that?
???:
Heeeyyy! Chan-maaaaaas!
Kid Gil:
Hm? That piercing voice sounds familiar...
Sei Shounagon:
Woohoo! Happy Valentine's Day!
Sei Shounagon:
Hold on to your Mystic Code, 'cause Nagiko's back this year with another heaping helping of love!
Fujimaru 1:
Hang on, guys. Storm's heading our way.
Kid Gil:
Hahaha. You do have a way with words,
don't you, Fujimaru?
Cú Chulainn:
Yeah, I guess neither of them ever listens, huh?
Sei Shounagon:
Wahahaha! Not much for mutual understanding, are you!?
Sei Shounagon:
Well, that's okay. We don't always have to understand each other to get along. Anywho...
Sei Shounagon:
Here, Chan-mas! Have some Valentine's Day chocolate!
Sei Shounagon:
I made you an orangette, only instead of just soaking the kumquat peel in sugar, I soaked the whole kumquat.
Fujimaru 1:
Thanks, Nagiko.
Fujimaru 2:
Wow, that sounds fancy.
Sei Shounagon:
And don't worry, Lainn-Lainn and K.G.
I've got enough to go around.
Kid Gil:
“Kay-Gee”...?
Cú Chulainn:
Uh, I don't mind if you call me that, but I wouldn't call any of the other mes that if I were you.
Cú Chulainn:
Especially not the spiky one.
He's not big on emotion, or mercy.
Sei Shounagon:
Ohhh.
Sei Shounagon:
Well, that explains why he looked so grumpy when I called him that.
Sei Shounagon:
And here I thought it was because he just didn't like chocolate or something.
Cú Chulainn:
So you already called at least one of the other mes “Lainn-Lainn,” huh...
Kid Gil:
She's really less like a storm and more like a walking, talking, ticking time bomb, isn't she?
Sei Shounagon:
Aaanyway, on a different note...
Sei Shounagon:
Is it true we've got a new addition, Chan-mas?
And a god at that?
Sei Shounagon:
I got curious as to what she's like...
Sei Shounagon:
So I thought I'd come meet her for myself!
Sei Shounagon:
Whoooa!
Sei Shounagon:
Your hair's so beautiful! You're so dainty and petite! And your skin is so smooth!
Sei Shounagon:
Oh man, I'm experiencing ALL the feels right now!
Caren:
Um... Who is this person, and why does she have no concept of personal space?
Sei Shounagon:
Who, me? You can call me Nagiko!
Sei Shounagon:
Nice to meet you, new bestie!
Sei Shounagon:
(Gleeeam☆)
Cú Chulainn:
Damn, she's really not afraid of anything, is she?
Caren:
...
...
Kid Gil:
Uh-oh, this is bad. Caren's going to blow her top soon!
Kid Gil:
We've gotta separate them before it's too late!
Caren:
...
...
Caren:
(Slaps)
Cú Chulainn:
Why the hell'd you slap ME!?
Caren:
I see... Nagiko, is it?
Caren:
Would you mind if I asked you something I've been wondering about?
Sei Shounagon:
Sure, what's up?
Caren:
Who is that you're carrying under your arm?
???:
...
...
???:
...If you're done, would you mind putting me down already?
Sei Shounagon:
Oh, crap, I completely forgot.
Sei Shounagon:
This little lady is Kama-cho! She's a god of love, too!
Sei Shounagon:
Pretty cool, right? I bet you two'll have a ton to talk about!
Sei Shounagon:
Not to mention you're both super cute!
Kama:
It's Kama, you idiot. Not “Kama-cho.”
Kama:
And why are we out here talking to them, anyway?
Kama:
When you invited me to see the new god, you said we could just stay back and observe from a distance.
Sei Shounagon:
Oh, whoops, did I? My bad.
Kama:
(Flash of anger)
Kama:
Well, never mind. This is EXTREMELY not-okay, but you know, whatever.
Kama:
Ahem...
Kama:
You must be Eros then.
I'm Kama, the god of love.
Kama:
This is quite a coincidence, isn't it? I certainly never expected to run into another god of love who uses a bow and arrow here.
Kama:
How fortunate that we managed to find each other.
I look forward to getting to know you better♡
Caren:
Well, thank you. That's very kind of you to say.
I'm Amor, the god of love.
Caren:
But please, call me Caren.
Caren:
Kama, was it? Then you must be the Hindu god of love.
Caren:
...
...
Caren:
I thought you were supposed to be male, but clearly I was wrong. You're quite the adorable little thing, aren't you?
Kama:
Oh, that? Don't worry about it. It's not important.
Kama:
Besides, I could say the same for you, no?
Kama:
But then, as a Pseudo-Servant, I suppose your vessel's gender doesn't really matter at–
Kama:
...
...
Kama:
Have we met somewhere before?
Caren:
No, this is our very first time.
Kama:
A-are you sure? You seem very familiar somehow...
Kama:
At any rate, I'm not performing my godly duties right now because of...reasons...
Kama:
...so having you show up now really does feel like fate to me.
Kama:
Hehe... Since you're Eros, the god of erotic love...
Kama:
I bet you'll have no problem turning this place into a world positively dripping with love, just the way I like...
Kama:
...even with all these Goody Two-shoes fighting you at every turn.
Kama:
(...Hehe.)
Kama:
(Yes, that's right. I can just let this newcomer handle everything, and I won't have to lift a finger.)
Kama:
(All I'll have to do is hole up in my room and check in on Master every now and then to see if [♂ he's /♀️ she's]
ready to sink into depravity once and for all.)
Kama:
It's perfect!
Fujimaru 1:
I don't know what that was about, but I've got a bad feeling about it...
Caren:
...
...
Caren:
True, I suppose we would have a lot in common...
if I was, in fact, Eros.
Kama:
Huh?
Caren:
But as we are now, lust simply isn't important to us.
Caren:
That being said, we won't deny that it, too, has a place.
Caren:
That place just happens to be a good bit...
below our particular station.
Caren:
Hehe. Still, it's been a pleasure to meet you.
Kama:
(Wh-why that little...!)
Kama:
(...No, wait. There's something off about her...)
Kama:
(Something that shouldn't apply to any Pseudo-Servant...)
Sei Shounagon:
Man, you guys are just too cute for words. It should be illegal!
Sei Shounagon:
I knew I was right to force you to come here, Kama.
You guys are gonna get along great!
Kid Gil:
Um, I'm not so sure about that. If anything, they look almost ready to kill each other...
Cú Chulainn:
I don't know what you're talking about. It doesn't look anything like that to me. Nope.
Cú Chulainn:
Seriously, kid, you don't want to get mixed up in a catfight. They're more dangerous than a wounded bear.
Cú Chulainn:
It's better to just play dumb before they remember you're there and make you pick a side.
Kid Gil:
I see. As the unrivaled hunter of Ulster, you must be used to these kinds of dangerous situations.
Fujimaru 1:
What's up, Mash?
Mash:
I'm sorry to interrupt your conversation, Senpai,
but we've found more Bitter Shadows!
Mash:
Could I ask you to go investigate as soon as I send you the location?
Sei Shounagon:
Roger dodger!
Mash:
Huh? Nagiko? U-uh, thank you!
Kama:
Bitter Shadow? I don't know what that is,
but it sounds annoying.
Kama:
I don't need that kind of hassle, so I'll just let you guys go take care of–
Kama:
...
...
Kama:
On second thought, I'll help, too.
After all...
Kama:
It should be an excellent chance for Eros there to see what I can really do.
Kama:
(I honestly don't care whose kind of love is baser or loftier...)
Kama:
(But the idea of this naive little twit who's never been incinerated by Shiva's third eye thinking I can't hack it just pisses me off.)
Kama:
(Plus, when I pawn my job off on her, I don't want her thinking it's because I'm some low-tier god who can't clean up my own messes or anything.)
Kama:
(No, I want her to feel honored that she gets to spare me from having to sully my own hands.)
Kama:
(If I have to show off what I'm really capable of to make that happen, then fine.)
Caren:
Oh my, that's very courageous of you. No wonder you were so famous in Indian mythology.
Caren:
But, unfortunately...
Caren:
...I just don't think your particular traits are going to be of much use here.
Kama:
Wha...!?
Kama:
O-of course they will be!
Wait right here and I'll prove it!
Kama:
I can easily handle some fake Shadow Servants by myself!
Kama:
Come on, you idiot! Just this once,
I'm going to let you help me!
Sei Shounagon:
Huh? Weren't you just talking about how you could handle this yourself?
Sei Shounagon:
Oh well, no biggie to me.
I'm just glad to be asked to help!
Kid Gil:
Th-they ran off before we could say anything...
Maybe we ought to go after them?
Cú Chulainn:
Why? Anyone can beat those Bitter Shadow things as long as they have the power of love, right?
Cú Chulainn:
So since Kama's technically a god of love too,
why don't we just let her take care of it?
Caren:
...
Kama:
What the hell!?
Kama:
I destroyed those things a bunch of times,
but they just kept reviving!
Caren:
Welcome back.
Hm? Where's the one that looks like a cactus?
Caren:
Nagiko, was it? What happened to her?
Kama:
I left her there!
Cú Chulainn:
This god's a real piece of work too, huh...
Sei Shounagon:
Buhahahaha! I'm in dangeeer!
Sei Shounagon:
Save me, Chan-mas!
Saaave meee!
Caren:
God Bazooka.
Die.
Sei Shounagon:
Aaaaaargh!
Fujimaru 1:
N-Nagiko!?
Caren:
Phew. That ought to do it. Thank you for gathering
them all in one place like that, Nagiko.
Caren:
That let me purify this whole hallway with a single shot, which is much more cost-effective.
Kid Gil:
Master, are we really sure this lady's a god?
Kama:
Are you freaking kidding me?
Kama:
What the hell are you doing with a bazooka?
That's straight up cheating.
Kama:
Eros is supposed to use a bow and arrow, dammit!
Caren:
Love has no defined shape or form...
Caren:
So I see no point in sticking with a bow and arrow when the situation calls for a bazooka.
Caren:
But I guess that may be hard to understand for a more...old-fashioned god like yourself.
Kama:
(Fury rising)
Kama:
Oh, so you think you're hot stuff just 'cause you beat those Bitter Shadow things?
Kama:
You could only do it 'cause you knew the trick.
I wouldn't have lost in a fair fight.
Caren:
Oh? Then what do you propose?
Kama:
...
...
Kama:
Let's take this to the simulator.
I haven't been this pissed off in a long time.
Fujimaru 1:
Really? I thought you were basically always pissed off.
Kama:
Shut it, Master!
Kama:
Now, come on, Eros!
This is your last chance to apologize!
Caren:
...(Sigh) All right. I have almost no stamina, and I really don't enjoy these kinds of personal fights...
Caren:
But if you insist, then I suppose I can't refuse.
==ARROW==
Caren:
Bear witness to God's glory!
God Bazooka Final Shot!
Kama:
Aaaaaargh!
Caren:
What do you say, Kama?
Caren:
Shall we call today's duel a draw?
Kama:
Th... Th...
Kama:
This can't be right! I might not look like it,
but I'm still a god, dammit!
Kama:
How the hell can that bazooka hurt so damn much!?
What the hell's it even made of!?
Caren:
Oh, that? Well yes, of course it hurts.
Caren:
After all...
Caren:
I love you.
Kama:
S...
Kama:
Say whaaaaaat!?!?
Kama:
Wh-what in the world are you talking about now,
you crazy god!?
Caren:
This bazooka's power is directly affected by how much love its user has in their heart.
Caren:
So since I love every person on Earth, every shot I fire with it hits with the force of the entire planet.
Caren:
And in your case, Kama...
Caren:
You were incinerated by Shiva,
making you a being that's essentially the universe.
Caren:
Which means that by loving you,
my God Bazooka's power is equivalent to...
Caren:
Earth and the universe combined!
Kama:
Are you freaking kidding me!?
Kama:
I mean, spreading love is in my job description, too.
Kama:
So by that logic, my bow and arrow should be just as powerful as your goddamn bazooka!
Caren:
...Oh my, it's worse than I thought. I can't believe you're still ignorant of such a basic fact.
Caren:
Our definitions of love are different.
Caren:
Your love is all about building you and your loved ones up together, with their consent.
Caren:
The very fact that you talk about “providing” love proves that it's very different from my kind of love.
Caren:
God the Father's love simply exists. Period.
Caren:
Those who receive it needn't agree to do so.
Caren:
Because true love is already complete simply by virtue of existing.
Kama:
!!!
Kama:
...
...
Kama:
Wait. Hang on.
Kama:
Are you sure you're not just making up something that sounds good to avoid giving a real answer?
Caren:
Hehe.
Hehehehe.
Kama:
Huh?
Kama:
Wh-why did you just collapse?
Caren:
...Because firing that shot opened up old wounds.
Caren:
As I thought, scaling up and spreading my love to a whole universe really did take a lot out of me...
Caren:
That's why I consider today's match to be a draw.
Didn't I say as much earlier?
Kama:
...
...
Kama:
Why in the world would you push yourself that far just to beat me?
Kama:
Are you some kind of idiot?
Caren:
Since you wanted to see what I was made of...
Caren:
...I thought it was only right that I not hold back...
Kama:
...
...
Kama:
I swear...
Kama:
Every single thing you say and do is just the dumbest shit imaginable...
Kama:
Still...
Kama:
Love is such a pain in the ass to begin with...
Kama:
...that I can't blame any god who exists solely for love for being a pain in the ass, too.
Kid Gil:
I really thought they were going
to end up killing each other...
Kid Gil:
...but it looks like this is working
out better than I expected.
Cú Chulainn:
Guess they had something in common after all.
Their only real difference is their faith.
Cú Chulainn:
I don't know why anyone would wanna go around preaching about something that's as big of a pain as love...
Cú Chulainn:
But since love is kind of their...thing, it's no surprise they'd find some common ground.
Sei Shounagon:
Hehehe.
Sei Shounagon:
See, what'd I tell you, Lainn-Lainn?
I knew those two would be besties.
Cú Chulainn:
How the hell did you recover so fast!?
Sei Shounagon:
Besides...I've been wondering...
Sei Shounagon:
People who fall in love can pray to a god of love for romantic assistance...
Sei Shounagon:
But who's a god of love supposed to pray to?
Kid Gil:
...
...
Kid Gil:
Hmm. I guess you can't really say “themselves” there.
Sei Shounagon:
Exactly, K.G.
Sei Shounagon:
But, now that there're two of them,
all their problems should be solved!
Sei Shounagon:
Now, even Kama-cho can ask someone for help when it comes to matters of the heart!
Cú Chulainn:
R-really? Is that how that works...?
Sei Shounagon:
And that...is why I made sure they'd have a meet-cute of their own.
Sei Shounagon:
What do you think? Pretty clever, right?
Kama:
Uh, yeah, that's great, except for two tiny details.
Kama:
One, I don't answer anyone's prayers for romance, and two, I have no intention of talking about my own love life with anyone.
Sei Shounagon:
Gotcha!
Kama:
Ugh, I swear...
Kama:
You really need to quit jumping to conclusions, idiot. Especially about the kind of things that make my hair stand on end.
Caren:
Oh my...
Caren:
I'm sorry, Kama. I had no idea you were having such a hard time with your own love life.
Caren:
If you ever want to talk, I'd be happy to lend you my ear.
Caren:
The Church is always open to lambs who have lost their way, after all.
Kama:
I just said I'm NOT having a hard time! And don't go building churches when nobody asked you to!
Caren:
I was kidding, of course. Just a little goddess humor.
Kama:
Khh...
Don't think this means you've won, Eros.
Kama:
We ARE going to settle this some day. Count on it.
Caren:
Oh, uh, okay.
Caren:
I think I should be able to give you a rematch at some point, if I wind up with literally nothing better to do.
Kama:
Gaaaaaah!
Kama:
I knew this goddess rubbed me the wrong way!
Section 5: Shot Fired
Mash:
I'm sorry, Senpai.
Mash:
I wish I could tell you more about the Bitter Shadows, but I'm afraid our analysis hasn't made any progress.
Mash:
As soon as we know more, I'll let you know though!
Mash:
Ah. Another error message...
Fujimaru 1:
Is something wrong?
Mash:
Oh, no, everything's fine. It looks like we've been experiencing some power loss recently...
Mash:
...but it's been well within the margin of error, so no need for you to worry.
Mash:
Anyway, good luck with your investigation, Senpai.
Fujimaru 1:
Thanks, Mash! Good luck with the analysis, too.
Cú Chulainn:
So they still haven't made any progress? Eh, not like we've made much, either.
Cú Chulainn:
Hey, Caren.
Cú Chulainn:
I don't suppose you can use your powers to figure out where the next Bitter Shadows will show up, can you?
Caren:
Tell me, Cú Chulainn, does depending on others to make up for your inadequacies make your tea taste better?
Caren:
Some hunter you are, expecting your quarry to be handed to you on a silver platter.
Caren:
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Caren:
...Oh, I'm out of tea.
Go make some more, Master.
Fujimaru 1:
Okay.
Cú Chulainn:
Now who's depending on others!?
Cú Chulainn:
Also, lectures are way more convincing when you deliver them standing up instead of lounging in bed.
Cú Chulainn:
And why're you humoring her, Master!?
Don't make her tea just 'cause she told you to!
Caren:
Well, at least you can still bark like a good hunting dog.
Caren:
As for me, my job requires me to rest a great deal.
Caren:
It's tiring holding up a bazooka with these scrawny arms, after all.
Kid Gil:
(So it's not using it that's tiring,
but just holding it...)
Caren:
That being said, it does feel as though we're reaching the limits of what we can find by just wandering around aimlessly.
Caren:
Since more Bitter Shadows keep popping up no matter how many we defeat, there must be some kind of boss out there who's responsible for them.
Caren:
It would be nice if this boss came to us to confess their sins so we didn't have to go looking for them ourselves.
Kid Gil:
Hm? It sounds like you have a visitor, Master.
Fujimaru 1:
Door's open!
Jason:
Hey, hey, if it isn't my favorite Master!
Sorry to barge in on you like this.
Jason:
Oh?
Jason:
And I see you two are here with [♂ him /♀️ her],
Cú Chulainn and Gilgamesh.
Jason:
Didn't know you were such good friends, but I think it's great that you are! Friends are the greatest treasure in the world.
Cú Chulainn:
...Uh, are you feeling okay?
Did you maybe...eat something weird?
Kid Gil:
Yeah, Jason, you're kind of creeping me out.
Jason:
Ahaha, ouch! You guys don't hold back, do you!?
Jason:
But that's okay. I get it. Only good friends tease each other like that!
Jason:
By the way, may I ask who your new friend is?
Caren:
Me? I'm Caren, if you must know.
Jason:
...
...
Jason:
Do I know you from somewhere?
Caren:
That's your pickup line? I guess you could call it a classic. If you're being generous...
Caren:
However, while I may currently be serving as the god of love to help save humanity, my faith remains the same, even as a Pseudo-Servant.
Caren:
Which is to say, the Lord is the only man I need in my life. Now kindly leave.
Jason:
Uh, that's not what I–Eh, whatever.
Jason:
More importantly: You know what time of year it is, right, Master? Of course you do.
Jason:
And this year, I've got a really special valentine for you.
Jason:
Please, take it.
Jason:
I've spent years collecting this rare Heracles memorabilia. Now, it's all yours.
Fujimaru 1:
Yikes, I can smell the testosterone from here.
Jason:
Hehe...
Jason:
This was the only way I could think of to show you how grateful I am for all you do for me year-round.
Jason:
Thanks, Master. Here's to many more great years together.
Jason:
With you, me, and Heracles all working together, I'm sure we can take back our future!
Jason:
Well, see ya!
Fujimaru 1:
Okay, that was creepy as hell.
Caren:
Is he always like that?
Cú Chulainn:
No. There was something really creepy about him today...
Kid Gil:
I also can't imagine he'd willingly give up his prized collection like this under normal circumstances.
Both:
...
...
Both:
...Yikes.
Medea:
Was Jason just here!?
Cú Chulainn:
Eesh, what is it this time?
Cú Chulainn:
I'm not sure what you or the porridge lady's problem is, but you really gotta chill.
Cú Chulainn:
Anyway, yeah, Jason was just here. He left after giving Master a bunch of Heracles merch.
Medea:
Gah! It stinks of testosterone!
Medea:
Khh... It must have been even more effective than I thought. I'd better find him soon.
Medea:
Oh, and Master, I'd like to talk to
you once this is taken care of!
Fujimaru 1:
What was THAT all about?
Caren:
...
...
Caren:
I'm intrigued. Let's go after them.
Cú Chulainn:
Heh... I had a feeling you'd say that.
All right, if we must.
Kid Gil:
Come on, you two, cut that out. You can't go prying into other people's business just because it's fun.
Fujimaru 1:
You guys actually do get along pretty well, don't you?
Jason:
Hahaha, can you undo this spell now, Medea? It reeeally hurts having my hands twisted behind my back.
Medea:
Sleep!
Jason:
(Zzz...)
Medea:
Phew, he certainly put up a fight.
But at least that should take care of that...
Medea:
Now, what are you all doing here?
Cú Chulainn:
I was just curious about the bloodbath I was sure
we were headed for. Or weren't, as it turns out.
Kid Gil:
That WAS quite the letdown, wasn't it?
Medea:
Oh for...
Fujimaru 1:
What was that all about, anyway?
Medea:
Oh no. Not you too, Master?
Medea:
Well, I guess it's okay. I was planning to talk to you about this, anyway.
Medea:
Take a look. This is why Jason was acting so strangely.
Kid Gil:
Is that...chocolate?
Medea:
Specifically, it's the elusory chocolate that's all the rage in Chaldea right now, even though it's very hard to get hold of.
Medea:
And its name is...
Medea:
God Love.
Cú Chulainn:
Well, that ain't fishy at all.
Medea:
Anyway, after a while of hearing about how amazing this chocolate was, I finally managed to get my hands on some.
Medea:
But as it turns out, it also contained trace amounts of magical energy.
Medea:
I tried to ask the woman selling it about that, but she ran off before I had the chance.
Kid Gil:
What did this woman look like?
Medea:
Huh? I don't know.
She was wearing a paper bag over her head.
Medea:
Honestly, I figured it was just more Servantverse nonsense.
Kid Gil:
(We're all definitely too used to this sort of thing...)
Medea:
Anyway, she might have gotten away, but I still had the chocolate I bought from her...
Medea:
...so I decided to examine it more thoroughly.
Medea:
In doing so, I found out that it definitely has some kind of effect on whoever eats it...
Medea:
...but I still didn't know exactly what that effect is.
Medea:
That was when Jason happened by...
Fujimaru 1:
So you used him as a guinea pig, huh...
Medea:
After that, well, you all know what happened next. Jason turned into a weirdly...nice version of himself.
Cú Chulainn:
Hang on.
Cú Chulainn:
You telling us this chocolate has the power to change people's personalities?
Kid Gil:
So that's what's been going on here.
Kid Gil:
That explains why all those other Servants were acting so much friendlier than usual.
Medea:
Well, in Jason's case...
Medea:
...there's a part of me that wouldn't mind just leaving him like this...
Medea:
But seeing him be THIS nice is actually turning out to be sort of creepy, right?
Caren:
How wonderful.
Caren:
Finding forgiveness in your heart even for someone who has hurt you over and over...
Caren:
Now that is true neighborly agape. I love to see it.
Caren:
That said, it would certainly have been more fun to watch if she'd been willing to sling a little more mud...
Medea:
What do you think my life is!?
Some kind of reality TV show!?
Caren:
Oh gosh. Did you just read my mind!?
Caren:
Hehehe. It's a little embarrassing to have my private thoughts revealed, but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, seeing as you're a mage from the Age of Gods.
Caren:
I must say, true Mystics really are a wonder to behold. You'll have to teach me your magical telepathy secrets sometime.
Medea:
What are you talking about!? You were blabbing
your “private thoughts” for all to hear!
Kid Gil:
I get it. Sometimes, you can't help but want to point out the sheer craziness in things she says.
Cú Chulainn:
Tell me about it. Half the time, I can't even tell whether she's joking.
Medea:
I'll say!
Medea:
I don't know who the hell you are, but you've got a lot of nerve talking to me like you know anything about–
Medea:
...
...
Medea:
Do I know you from somewhere?
Caren:
Hmm, I couldn't tell you.
Caren:
My name is Caren C. Hortensia,
but please, call me Caren.
Caren:
I'm also serving as a vessel for the Divine Spirit Amor.
Caren:
That's Amoooooor, not amour.
Medea:
Amor...
Medea:
As in Eros!?
Caren:
Oh my, that was frightening. Why are you attacking me?
Caren:
I suppose you have some history with this god of love.
Medea:
You bet I do!
Medea:
Do you have any idea how much you all messed up my life!?
Medea:
I never imagined I'd get a chance to take my revenge on you here...
Medea:
But you better believe I won't let it pass me by now!
Fujimaru 1:
What did you do to her, Caren?
Caren:
Well, um, strictly speaking...
Caren:
It was Eros and Aphrodite who did it, not me.
Kid Gil:
Aphrodite... She's one of the major Greek gods, right? I remember hearing she had strong ties to Eros as well.
Caren:
...
...
Caren:
A long, long, very long time ago, back when the earth was still awash in Mystics...
Caren:
Aphrodite, with Eros's help,
bewitched gods and humans alike.
Caren:
Of the many such schemes she came up with, one of them was named something like:
Caren:
“Make Queen Medea Fall Head Over Heels for Jason.”
Caren:
I trust you can see where this is going now?
Caren:
Eros, under orders to help Jason
obtain the Golden Fleece...
Caren:
...nocked an arrow filled with Aphrodite's blessings and curses on his prized bow...
Caren:
And boom, it just worked.
Medea:
Don't you talk about the worst time of my life
like it's some kind of damn infomercial!
Cú Chulainn:
Did you just jump INTO her line of fire!?
Caren:
Um... Yes, but, uh, I didn't have a choice... Eros's crimes are, um, mine to bear as well, you see...
Caren:
So even though being punished definitely isn't my thing–not...not at all–I, uh, have to take it all the same...
Medea:
Hmph. So you're at least aware of what you did,
Pseudo-Servant or not.
Medea:
That's right, Eros!
If it wasn't for that damn arrow of yours...
Medea:
My whole life could have been completely different!
Fujimaru 1:
Uh-oh.
Cú Chulainn:
Crap! That's Bitter Shadow magical energy!
Kid Gil:
Oh no. It looks like it's attracted to...
Kid Gil:
...Medea's anger!
Medea:
Huh!?
Caren:
Oh my, how terrible.
Caren:
Now the Bitter Shadows have got Medea, too. Oopsies.
Fujimaru 1:
You could at least pretend to be worried!
Caren:
Well, I guess it just goes to show what happens when you let anger take the wheel.
Caren:
All right, everyone, you're up.
Caren:
Now that Medea's unconscious, you need to stop her before she goes on a wild rampage throughout–
Medea:
Hmph.
Medea:
I'm still perfectly conscious, thank you very much.
Medea:
I'm a witch from the Age of Gods, remember!?
Medea:
This is nowhere near too much magical energy for me to control.
Medea:
In fact, this is perfect. I'm going to use all this new power now at my command...
Medea:
...to hit you with a spell powerful enough to blow all of Chaldea away!
Fujimaru 1:
Yeah, um, could you maybe NOT do that, please!?
Cú Chulainn:
...
...
Cú Chulainn:
Hey. Whose side should we take here?
Kid Gil:
Don't ask me.
Kid Gil:
Besides, I don't think it's our place to say anything, since it's not really any of our business.
Kid Gil:
And on that note, I just remembered some urgent business of my own, so if you'll excuse me...
Cú Chulainn:
Oh no, you don't! You're not leaving me to deal with this alone!
==ARROW==
Caren:
Ohhh noooooo.
Fujimaru 1:
C-Caren!?
Medea:
...
...
Medea:
Well...
Medea:
I do feel a little better now.
Caren:
Really? I'm surprised.
Caren:
I didn't think you would be satisfied until you tore five, maybe six limbs off me.
Kid Gil:
I'm pretty sure you only have four!
Cú Chulainn:
Just when I thought she went down like a punk, she springs back like nothing happened...
Cú Chulainn:
Seriously, what is her deal?
Medea:
Hmph.
Medea:
I could tear every one of you limb from limb and I doubt that goddess would so much as bat an eye.
Medea:
I don't know what it is you're up to here...
Medea:
But I'm not about to waste any more of my time on a doll.
Medea:
So let's just say this trip down memory lane is over now, shall we?
Caren:
...
...
Fujimaru 1:
Medea...
Medea:
Don't look at me like that, Master.
Medea:
As I just said, I won't get in your way any longer, but I'm not going to help you, either.
Medea:
You're going to have to deal with this mess yourselves.
Medea:
Here's the chocolate I told you about.
Medea:
I suggest you give it to Da Vinci so she can take a closer look at it.
Medea:
Don't worry about Jason lying on the floor there.
I'll take care of him.
Fujimaru 1:
Thanks, Mentor.
Medea:
That reminds me... Don't you think you have a few too many mentors these days?
Medea:
It wouldn't kill you to show me just a little more in the way of deference, you know.
Medea:
Huh? You're well aware?
Well, good. I hope so.
Fujimaru 2:
Thanks for the Valentine's Day chocolate, Medea.
Medea:
Ugh... Did you really have to say that now?
Medea:
Just sit tight, okay? I'll have a proper Valentine's Day gift for you soon enough.
Cú Chulainn:
Well, I never did figure out what that was all about...but at least we've got some of that elusory chocolate now.
Cú Chulainn:
Think this stuff's got some connection
to the Bitter Shadows?
Kid Gil:
I don't know, but it's definitely worth looking into either way.
Kid Gil:
Shall we go pay Da Vinci a visit, Master?
Fujimaru 1:
Sounds like a plan.
Caren:
...
...
Caren:
Hmm...
Caren:
I wonder what's going to happen now...
Section 6: Finding Hortensia
Da Vinci:
All right, I've got it mostly figured out now!
Fujimaru 1:
Wow, that was fast!
Da Vinci:
That chocolate Medea gave you was the key to cracking this whole case.
Da Vinci:
So, here's the deal.
Da Vinci:
This chocolate contains a spell that makes any Servant who eats one...
Kid Gil:
Yes?
Da Vinci:
...feel really, really happy.
Cú Chulainn:
What are you? Drunk? And yes, I mean you, not the Servants who ate the chocolate.
Da Vinci:
Hahaha. I can see why you'd think that, but no, I'm not. Just hear me out.
Da Vinci:
You know how eating something yummy can make you feel really good?
Da Vinci:
It's basically a mild state of euphoria, right?
Da Vinci:
Well, when a Servant eats this chocolate, that state is heightened considerably.
Da Vinci:
I'd guess they probably become very easygoing and content.
Da Vinci:
That by itself isn't a problem, of course. I mean, you like having a drink after a day's work too, right?
Cú Chulainn:
Well, yeah. I definitely enjoy fighting, but sometimes, the thing I look forward to the most is the victory drink after.
Da Vinci:
Exactly. No matter what our culture or environment, we all feel revitalized by a good meal.
Da Vinci:
Anyway, this chocolate is kind of turns that concept up to eleven...
Da Vinci:
But in addition to its euphoric effect, we also know now that it causes a Servant's Spirit Core to give off an unusual kind of magical energy.
Cú Chulainn:
Magical energy... So then, is that–
Da Vinci:
Yup. It matches the data from our analysis perfectly.
Da Vinci:
That very magical energy the chocolate induces is what's responsible for these Bitter Shadows spawning in Chaldea.
Kid Gil:
I see. Caren said that something was drawing the Bitter Shadows here...
Kid Gil:
But in fact...
Kid Gil:
They spawned from Servants who ate this God Love chocolate without the Servants realizing.
Kid Gil:
Do I have that right?
Cú Chulainn:
You've gotta be kidding me. So you're telling me the chocolate didn't so much have something to do with all this...
Cú Chulainn:
...as it was the cause of the whole thing!?
Kid Gil:
Looks that way. Anyway, now that we know, we should probably try to stop anyone else from eating it.
Da Vinci:
All right, I've got it mostly figured out now!
Fujimaru 1:
Wow, that was fast!
Da Vinci:
That chocolate Medea gave you was the key to cracking this whole case.
Da Vinci:
So, here's the deal.
Da Vinci:
This chocolate contains a spell that makes any Servant who eats one...
Kid Gil:
Yes?
Da Vinci:
...feel really, really happy.
Cú Chulainn:
What are you? Drunk? And yes, I mean you, not the Servants who ate the chocolate.
Da Vinci:
Hahaha. I can see why you'd think that, but no, I'm not. Just hear me out.
Da Vinci:
You know how eating something yummy can make you feel really good?
Da Vinci:
It's basically a mild state of euphoria, right?
Da Vinci:
Well, when a Servant eats this chocolate, that state is heightened considerably.
Da Vinci:
I'd guess they probably become very easygoing and content.
Da Vinci:
That by itself isn't a problem, of course. I mean, you like having a drink after a day's work too, right?
Cú Chulainn:
Well, yeah. I definitely enjoy fighting, but sometimes, the thing I look forward to the most is the victory drink after.
Da Vinci:
Exactly. No matter what our culture or environment, we all feel revitalized by a good meal.
Da Vinci:
Anyway, this chocolate is kind of turns that concept up to eleven...
Da Vinci:
But in addition to its euphoric effect, we also know now that it causes a Servant's Spirit Core to give off an unusual kind of magical energy.
Cú Chulainn:
Magical energy... So then, is that–
Da Vinci:
Yup. It matches the data from our analysis perfectly.
Da Vinci:
That very magical energy the chocolate induces is what's responsible for these Bitter Shadows spawning in Chaldea.
Kid Gil:
I see. Caren said that something was drawing the Bitter Shadows here...
Kid Gil:
But in fact...
Kid Gil:
They spawned from Servants who ate this God Love chocolate without the Servants realizing.
Kid Gil:
Do I have that right?
Cú Chulainn:
You've gotta be kidding me. So you're telling me the chocolate didn't so much have something to do with all this...
Cú Chulainn:
...as it was the cause of the whole thing!?
Kid Gil:
Looks that way. Anyway, now that we know, we should probably try to stop anyone else from eating it.
Da Vinci:
Yup, I agree.
Da Vinci:
Which means we need to find this mysterious paper bag woman selling it as soon as possible.
Fujimaru 1:
Okay, but where do we look for her?
Mash:
We should know that soon, too.
Mash:
We've been detecting intermittent power losses in Chaldea over the last few days...
Mash:
...but they were so minor that we couldn't tell where they were occurring.
Mash:
But today, all of a sudden, we're seeing a lot more power being consumed.
Cú Chulainn:
The power here is also what's supplying us with magical energy, right?
Cú Chulainn:
And now you're saying it's being used for something else?
Kid Gil:
If the electricity here is tied to magical energy, that pretty much clinches it.
Kid Gil:
Someone must be using it to make that chocolate.
Kid Gil:
The only question is,
where is this stolen power being sent?
Da Vinci:
We should hopefully know soon. I'm having Mash run a trace on it even as we speak.
Da Vinci:
How's it going, Mash? Find anything yet?
Mash:
Yes. I've been checking each of the energy supply lines one by one, and I found where power's being siphoned off.
Mash:
It's the unoccupied staff room at the end of the western corridor in section B.
Mash:
It didn't look like there was anything out of the ordinary there on the security camera...
Mash:
...but when I looked at it with Sheba, it said the room's interior was impossible to measure.
Da Vinci:
...I see. Then like Kid Gil said,
that pretty much clinches it.
Cú Chulainn:
All right! Nice work, missy!
All we gotta do now is sneak in there–
Kid Gil:
Capture this paper bag woman, and shut down her illicit chocolate operation.
Fujimaru 1:
...
Fujimaru 1:
Hey, uh, by the way.
Cú Chulainn:
Hm? What is it, Master?
Come on, let's get going.
Fujimaru 1:
Has anyone seen Caren?
Kid Gil:
Um...
Kid Gil:
Now that you mention it,
I haven't seen her since we got here.
Cú Chulainn:
Eh, she's probably just wandering around 'cause she couldn't keep up with all this technical talk.
Cú Chulainn:
She's harder to pin down than a jellyfish at high tide–
Mash:
!!!
Everyone, take a look at the monitor!
Mash:
This is the security video from the corridor in question!
???:
...
...
Cú Chulainn & Kid Gil & Mash:
The paper bag woman!?!?!?
Cú Chulainn:
Wait, hang on... That's obviously Caren!
Kid Gil:
We probably should have seen this coming...
Da Vinci:
Hm... I've got a feeling we're in for another unpleasant twist this year.
Da Vinci:
Anyway, I hate to ask...
Da Vinci:
But would you guys mind heading down there and just putting an end to this whole thing already?
Fujimaru 1:
You got it...
Mash:
Oh no. Now even Senpai's getting so fed up [♂ he's /♀️ she's]
sounding ready to shirk [♂ his /♀️ her] responsibilities!
Da Vinci:
Oh, right. Now that we've finished our analysis, you can go with [♂ him /♀️ her], Mash.
Da Vinci:
In fact, at this point, you're my only hope. Try to get the others to shape up, would you?
Mash:
O-okay, I'll try...
Mash:
I mean, understood! Rest assured, I'll do everything I can to help Senpai solve this case!
Kid Gil:
All right, it's just past this corridor. At least we haven't run into any trouble so far...
Cú Chulainn:
Just don't let your guard down now that we're almost to her base.
Cú Chulainn:
I wouldn't be at all surprised if she's set a trap or ten–or even twenty, to surprise us.
Mash:
...
...
Fujimaru 1:
Something on your mind?
Mash:
Well, um...
Mash:
I was just thinking how we still don't know why Caren came here in the first place.
Mash:
What could her goal be in spreading that chocolate around Chaldea?
Fujimaru 1:
Maybe that's just how she likes to celebrate Valentine's Day?
Fujimaru 2:
Maybe she just likes making and selling chocolate?
Cú Chulainn:
Good question.
Cú Chulainn:
All I know for sure is, she was serious about getting rid of the Bitter Shadows.
Cú Chulainn:
She wasn't interested in that God Love stuff, either. Gotta say, it doesn't seem to add up.
Mash:
True. I only spoke with her for a short while, but she really did seem to be acting with good intentions.
Kid Gil:
She wasn't lying when she said she was going to protect Chaldea, either.
Fujimaru 1:
I know what you mean.
Fujimaru 2:
She does have a genuine saintlike quality to her.
Kid Gil:
(That said, just because someone isn't lying doesn't necessarily mean they're a good person...)
Kid Gil:
!!!
Kid Gil:
Be careful, everyone!
Kid Gil:
Someone's waiting for us in front of
the door at the end of the hallway!
Kid Gil:
Is that...?
Fujimaru 1:
It must be Caren!
Artemis:
Nope! It's me!
Cú Chulainn:
What're you doing here?
Kid Gil:
Oh. I see...
Mash:
A-Artemis!?
Mash:
Um, may I ask why it is you're here?
Artemis:
Hehe, that's an excellent question, Mash!
Artemis:
As for the answer...
Artemis:
I'm here because it's my job to prevent any rapscallions from going past this point.
Artemis:
I'm a bodyguard!
Fujimaru 1:
So you teamed up with this room's owner!?
Artemis:
Nnn...
Artemis:
I don't know if I'd call it “teaming up” per se...
Artemis:
Let's just say...
Artemis:
I had my reasons for making a deal with her.
Mash:
A-a deal!?
Mash:
What kind of leverage could Caren have to make Artemis of all Servants agree to a deal!?
Kid Gil:
I'm pretty sure I know.
Cú Chulainn:
Come on, that's an easy one. It's gotta be about the bear guy.
Cú Chulainn:
Let me guess: You fed him some of that chocolate to make him the nice bear you always wanted?
Artemis:
I'll have you know my darling has always been nice, Lancer with the dulcet voice!
Artemis:
Go on, Darling, show everyone how you're just as great as you always are!
Orion:
Me am Orion.
Orion:
Me am strong, kind.
Me am brave, dashing.
Orion:
Me love Artemis.
Me love Artemis.
Orion:
No more cheat.
Mash:
He's brainmashed! I mean, washed!
Kid Gil:
All of Orion's wild nature, gone without a trace!
Cú Chulainn:
Khh... This is horrible. I can't even look at him!
Cú Chulainn:
So this is what it looks like when someone messes with your love to suit their agenda... Goddamn, I didn't realize how terrifying Amor's power was till now!
Artemis:
Teehee. Personally, Master...
Artemis:
I don't care at all about what Amor is trying to do.
Mash:
What Amor is trying to do...?
Artemis:
It's great that she has lofty ideals and all...but all I want is for Darling to have eyes just for me.
Artemis:
Really, that's it! That's my one, humble wish!
Fujimaru 1:
I guess “humble” is one word for it...
Mash:
B-but Artemis! You and Orion are... Well...
Mash:
I guess I thought you two had an unbreakable bond, even if you couldn't always see it.
Mash:
But can you really deepen your l-love for each other while he's effectively brainwashed?
Mash:
Can you really be happy with that!?
Artemis:
Absolutely!
Kid Gil:
Yikes. Didn't hesitate for a second.
Artemis:
I'm a goddess, after all! My idea of love is very different from an ordinary human's!
Cú Chulainn:
Gah! I swear, are there no goddesses out there with their heads screwed on straight!?
Artemis:
Amor's just beyond this door,
but I'm not going to let you pass.
Artemis:
If you insist on going in there, even if it means tearing Darling and me apart...
Artemis:
...then we'll face you with all the might of our combined love!
Orion:
Me love Artemis.
Me love Artemis.
Kid Gil:
It looks like we'll have to defeat her before we can progress any further.
Kid Gil:
All right then, let's get this over with!
Cú Chulainn:
Hang in there, bear guy. Don't worry.
I'm gonna set you free.
Cú Chulainn:
If he could tell us how he really felt, I'm sure he'd be begging us to kill him and put him out of his misery!
Mash:
Let's try not to kill him if we can help it, please!
==ARROW==
Artemis:
Nooo! You beat meee!?
Fujimaru 1:
We did it!
Artemis:
Oh well. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, what with Darling being a little out of it.
Cú Chulainn:
You bounced back already!?
Artemis:
Anyway, that fulfills the terms of our contract, so I don't care about what happens next.
Artemis:
You can go right ahead if you want.
Mash:
You're, um, certainly a good sport about losing, aren't you?
Mash:
At any rate, now there's nothing stopping us from investigating this secret room.
Artemis:
Wonderful. I'm glad to see you're so determined.
Artemis:
Here, let me give you a little advice before you go.
Artemis:
I know you all probably think Amor has more than a few screws loose...
Cú Chulainn:
(That's rich coming from you.)
Kid Gil:
(Yeah, she's throwing stones in a glass house...)
Artemis:
But she's still definitely a god, with all that entails.
Artemis:
So whatever you do, try not to let her set the terms of your battle, no matter what she might show you.
Mash:
O-okay. Um, thank you, Artemis.
Artemis:
All right, I'm off. Good luck!
Orion:
Wait, Artemis.
Artemis, wait.
Kid Gil:
I see Orion hasn't gotten any better yet.
Mash:
Assuming it's Caren's power making him like that...
Mash:
...maybe he'll go back to normal once this is all resolved?
Cú Chulainn:
All right, this is it. You ready, Master?
Fujimaru 1:
Ready when you are!
Kid Gil:
All good here.
Mash:
Come on then, everyone. It's time to stop Caren!
Fujimaru 1:
Would you look at that...
Mash:
The smell of chocolate is almost overpowering...
Mash:
I think we can be pretty sure this is our problem factory.
???:
...
...
Mash:
Ah!
???:
Hehehe... Welcome to my chocolate factory.
???:
By the way...
???:
Do I still have to sign for the package, or can you just leave it by the door?
Cú Chulainn & Kid Gil & Mash:
We're not delivery people!
Section 7: God's Love Saves Chaldea, 24-Hour Complete Coverage
???:
Hehehe... Welcome to my chocolate factory.
???:
You're right on time, Amazones delivery. I appreciate your punctuality.
Cú Chulainn:
Sorry to burst your...bag, but we're not here to deliver any packages.
Cú Chulainn:
Give it up, Caren! Uh, Amor!
We know what you've been up to!
Cú Chulainn:
You've got some nerve, lying to
Fujimaru's face this whole time!
Kid Gil:
Caren...
Kid Gil:
I figured there was a fifty-fifty chance that you were behind this, but all this circumstantial evidence seems to leave little room for doubt.
Kid Gil:
You were the mastermind behind this whole incident, weren't you?
???:
...Mastermind?
So you're...not from Amazones?
???:
Then, may I ask what brings ordinary people like yourselves to this hellish–Ahem. Pardon me. Just a little Freudian slip.
???:
What I meant to say was, what brings you to this remote neck of the woods? Er, facilities?
???:
There's nothing to see here besides our little chocolate factory.
???:
Oh, wait. Are you here for a tour? You really should have called ahead and made an appointment.
???:
Still, it WOULD be lovely to show you our work environment.
???:
And if you then take what you see here and spread it around Chaldea as an example of the joys of hard work, that would be even better.
???:
Oh, but first, let me bring you some pamphlets and tea. Unless you'd prefer mineral water?
Cú Chulainn:
Uh... No, tea's fine...
Fujimaru 1:
Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder...
Fujimaru 2:
She really doesn't seem like a bad guy at all, does she?
Cú Chulainn:
Okay, what the actual hell?
Cú Chulainn:
She looks suspicious as hell,
but she doesn't seem dangerous at all.
Mash:
That's true. This doesn't change the fact that she's appropriating Chaldea's facilities...
Mash:
But it also doesn't seem like she's using them for anything besides making chocolate...
Caren:
Oh, there you are, everyone.
I was wondering where you went.
Fujimaru 1:
Wat.
Mash:
A-another Caren!? What in the world is going on?
Caren:
Hmm, where do I begin...?
Caren:
Well, you all started talking about technical stuff right after we got to the Command Room...
Caren:
And since it was boring and I didn't care anyway, I decided to go looking for more Bitter Shadows on my own.
Caren:
Oh, don't worry about the God Bazooka fees. I kept a close tally of every shell I fired.
Caren:
Anyway, after I'd had my fill of blowing up Bitters for a while, I decided to come back here, to my own room.
Caren:
Now, can I ask you what you're all doing here in my Chaldea Domination Headquarters?
Caren:
This is supposed to be my secret place. It's embarrassing, having you all just barge in here.
Mash:
...U-um, hold on, please.
Mash:
Did you just say “Chaldea Domination Headquarters”?
Caren:
I did. What about it?
???:
Welcome back, Lady Caren.
???:
You'll be pleased to know that God Love production is going smoothly.
???:
And that's not all.
???:
It's drummed up so much interest thanks to our increased production that these people came by for a factory tour.
Caren:
(Slaps)
???:
Eek.
Caren:
Now I see. You screwed up again, didn't you, Eros? You incompetent drone. You useless, romance-addled twit.
Caren:
You led Chaldea right to us thanks to all that extra magical energy you used to increase production.
Eros:
But, weren't you the one who said you wanted to increase production twentyfold starting toda–
Caren:
(Slaps)
Eros:
Eek.
Cú Chulainn:
Wh-what in the world?
Cú Chulainn:
There's...another Caren?
Cú Chulainn:
Hey! Tell us what the hell's going on here!
Caren:
(Slap)
(Slap)
Eros:
Eek.
Eek.
Cú Chulainn:
Did you even hear me!?
Second ???:
That's enough, Caren.
Second ???:
As far as Eros is concerned, that's a reward, not a punishment.
Eros:
That's not true.
Eros:
Even as we speak, enduring this excruciating humiliation is helping to train my mind.
Kid Gil:
Now there's three of them...
What IS going on here?
Kid Gil:
Not to mention, isn't Eros–
Da Vinci:
Yup, exactly!
Like I told you before...
Da Vinci:
Amor and Eros are the Roman and Greek names for the same mythological god.
Da Vinci:
So while the three Servants you're seeing there might all be from different mythologies...
Da Vinci:
...they're also all Amor.
Eros:
That's right. I'm Eros.
Second ???:
And I'm...
Second ???:
Amor.
Caren:
I don't recall giving you permission to introduce yourselves... But, all right.
Caren:
I'm Caren C. Hortensia, the one who's been working with all of you this whole time.
Caren:
The “C” stands for “Cupid.”
Caren:
...
...
Caren:
Together, we are...
All Three:
The Triple Goddess of Love!
Da Vinci:
Where the hell did that come from!?
All Three:
Just kidding.
Cú Chulainn:
Th...
Cú Chulainn:
They're three times as irritating!
Kid Gil:
Well, she certainly wouldn't be the first Heroic Spirit
to have different legends derived from different cultures.
Kid Gil:
So I guess, in this case...
Kid Gil:
Three different versions of her must have all manifested simultaneously as three separate gods?
Da Vinci:
No way. That can't be right.
Da Vinci:
Their names might be different, but their origins are way too similar for something like that to ever happen.
Da Vinci:
Besides, it shouldn't even be possible for so many different versions to be summoned separately like–
Da Vinci:
No, wait. Hang on.
Fujimaru 1:
Da Vinci?
Da Vinci:
Analyzing...
Aha, I knew it.
Da Vinci:
Eros and Amor there aren't Servants at all!
Mash:
Huh? They're not?
Mash:
But, how can that be?
We can see them right here.
Da Vinci:
I know.
Da Vinci:
But they're actually familiars with pseudo-Spirit Origins being made to act exactly like the original.
Da Vinci:
Caren must have used the inherent ambiguity of her god's mythology to give each of them their own name...
Da Vinci:
...and reinforce their pseudo-Spirit Origins so they'd have the same degree of existential strength as her!
Caren:
That's right. They're slaves that take advantage of my Divinity's ambiguity to act as my vessels.
Caren:
I was going to explain it, but you've taken care of that for me.
Caren:
I suppose I should have known a brilliant, beautiful genius like yourself would figure it out eventually.
Da Vinci:
Flattery will get you nowhere. I have more questions.
Da Vinci:
For one thing, what exactly does that chocolate do?
Da Vinci:
Besides make anyone who eats it feel euphoric, I mean.
Caren:
Hmm, good question. Let me see...
Caren:
People have a bunch of emotions that get in the way of attaining true happiness, right?
Caren:
Pride, wrath, envy, sloth, greed, gluttony, lust...
Caren:
That's right. Everyone's favorite sins.
Caren:
Well, God Love represses those sorts of excess emotions...
Caren:
...and gives people eternal peace of mind by filling their newly freed souls with love.
Cú Chulainn:
Whoa, whoa, hang on. That sounds all kinds of messed up.
Cú Chulainn:
Does that sounds like straight up brainwashing to anyone else?
Mash:
B-but, there has to be more to it!
Mash:
I mean, we all saw Caren help us defeat the Bitter Shadows to protect Valentine's Day.
Mash:
Oh!
Mash:
Caren, did you do all this to help the exhausted Servants recuperate?
Mash:
Is that what this was about?
Caren:
No, getting rid of the Bitter Shadows was just aftercare.
Caren:
You see, God Love had some unforeseen side effects.
Fujimaru 1:
The Bitter Shadows, I'm guessing?
Kid Gil:
Aha. So the magical energy the Bitter Shadows are comprised of is actually–
Da Vinci:
Yup, exactly!
Like I told you before...
Da Vinci:
Amor and Eros are the Roman and Greek names for the same mythological god.
Da Vinci:
So while the three Servants you're seeing there might all be from different mythologies...
Da Vinci:
...they're also all Amor.
Eros:
That's right. I'm Eros.
Second ???:
And I'm...
Second ???:
Amor.
Caren:
I don't recall giving you permission to introduce yourselves... But, all right.
Caren:
I'm Caren C. Hortensia, the one who's been working with all of you this whole time.
Caren:
The “C” stands for “Cupid.”
Caren:
...
...
Caren:
Together, we are...
All Three:
The Triple Goddess of Love!
Da Vinci:
Where the hell did that come from!?
All Three:
Just kidding.
Cú Chulainn:
Th...
Cú Chulainn:
They're three times as irritating!
Kid Gil:
Well, she certainly wouldn't be the first Heroic Spirit
to have different legends derived from different cultures.
Kid Gil:
So I guess, in this case...
Kid Gil:
Three different versions of her must have all manifested simultaneously as three separate gods?
Da Vinci:
No way. That can't be right.
Da Vinci:
Their names might be different, but their origins are way too similar for something like that to ever happen.
Da Vinci:
Besides, it shouldn't even be possible for so many different versions to be summoned separately like–
Da Vinci:
No, wait. Hang on.
Fujimaru 1:
Da Vinci?
Da Vinci:
Analyzing...
Aha, I knew it.
Da Vinci:
Eros and Amor there aren't Servants at all!
Mash:
Huh? They're not?
Mash:
But, how can that be?
We can see them right here.
Da Vinci:
I know.
Da Vinci:
But they're actually familiars with pseudo-Spirit Origins being made to act exactly like the original.
Da Vinci:
Caren must have used the inherent ambiguity of her god's mythology to give each of them their own name...
Da Vinci:
...and reinforce their pseudo-Spirit Origins so they'd have the same degree of existential strength as her!
Caren:
That's right. They're slaves that take advantage of my Divinity's ambiguity to act as my vessels.
Caren:
I was going to explain it, but you've taken care of that for me.
Caren:
I suppose I should have known a brilliant, beautiful genius like yourself would figure it out eventually.
Da Vinci:
Flattery will get you nowhere. I have more questions.
Da Vinci:
For one thing, what exactly does that chocolate do?
Da Vinci:
Besides make anyone who eats it feel euphoric, I mean.
Caren:
Hmm, good question. Let me see...
Caren:
People have a bunch of emotions that get in the way of attaining true happiness, right?
Caren:
Pride, wrath, envy, sloth, greed, gluttony, lust...
Caren:
That's right. Everyone's favorite sins.
Caren:
Well, God Love represses those sorts of excess emotions...
Caren:
...and gives people eternal peace of mind by filling their newly freed souls with love.
Cú Chulainn:
Whoa, whoa, hang on. That sounds all kinds of messed up.
Cú Chulainn:
Does that sounds like straight up brainwashing to anyone else?
Mash:
B-but, there has to be more to it!
Mash:
I mean, we all saw Caren help us defeat the Bitter Shadows to protect Valentine's Day.
Mash:
Oh!
Mash:
Caren, did you do all this to help the exhausted Servants recuperate?
Mash:
Is that what this was about?
Caren:
No, getting rid of the Bitter Shadows was just aftercare.
Caren:
You see, God Love had some unforeseen side effects.
Fujimaru 1:
The Bitter Shadows, I'm guessing?
Kid Gil:
Aha. So the magical energy the Bitter Shadows are comprised of is actually–
Da Vinci:
Yup. It must be all the thoughts and feelings her chocolate represses leaking out from their hosts.
Da Vinci:
Then all those negative emotions turn into magical energy, and form the Bitter Shadows when it comes together.
Caren:
Right. That's why you can't eliminate them with violence, and especially not with lust.
Caren:
The only way is to purify them with agape before eradicating them. That is the nature of my aftercare.
Caren:
Well? Now do you understand?
Da Vinci:
The only problem with that is, as long as people remain people, they'll never be rid of negative emotions completely.
Da Vinci:
Which means that the magical energy they're leaking will eventually spread through all of Chaldea...
Da Vinci:
...until the whole place is basically overrun with Bitter Shadows.
Da Vinci:
I swear, that God Love stuff should've never been brought to market!
Eros:
But we make it with painstaking care.
Amor:
It shouldn't have any adverse effects on anyone's health.
Caren:
And our aftercare regimen is flawless.
Caren:
God Love is perfectly safe, and starting today, we'll be distributing it for free!
Cú Chulainn:
Are you freaking kidding me!?
Cú Chulainn:
After all the work you made us do, you're just gonna give that crap out for free!?
Caren:
Yes. And it's all thanks to you.
Caren:
With all of you gathering bazooka round materials, and me using them to destroy the Bitter Shadows...
Caren:
We've been able to keep Valentine's Day sweet and peaceful for everyone.
Caren:
I call that a win-win, don't you?
Mash:
I, uh, I see...?
Kid Gil:
Don't let her fool you, Mash.
Kid Gil:
The only reason the Bitter Shadows showed up and ruined Valentine's Day in the first place...
Kid Gil:
...is because of this harebrained scheme of hers.
Kid Gil:
Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if she'd known about the Bitter Shadows thing from the start.
Caren:
Oh my... Are you saying I knowingly sold defective product to my customers!?
Caren:
Well, okay, I DID, but still.
Caren:
Originally, I thought I could handle any incidental messes on my own...
Caren:
But all their negative thoughts and feelings turned out to be much stronger than I expected.
Caren:
All I can say is, it seems Chaldea's working environment leaves a lot to be desired.
Fujimaru 1:
You're not wrong.
Mash & Da Vinci:
Senpai!?
Fujimaru!?
Fujimaru 2:
Not much room to talk, given how you treat your employees.
Caren:
Oh, are you sure you want to say that, when you still haven't yet tasted my whip for yourself?
Caren:
At any rate... (Sigh) I should have known you'd do something like this, Gilgamesh.
Caren:
It's clear everyone here distrusts me now, and it's all thanks to you.
Caren:
Why, before you said that, Cú Chulainn there trusted me so much he would have given me the shirt off his back.
Cú Chulainn:
The hell you say!
Cú Chulainn:
I haven't trusted you for one second of this mess which, lest we forget, YOU MADE!
Kid Gil:
It's true. And I said you were definitely up to something the first time you showed up, too.
Kid Gil:
Which reminds me, Amor: What is it you're really up to here, anyway?
Caren:
Oh my, how terrible. I had no idea that's how you've seen me all this time.
Caren:
And after I've been showering you with all this love, too.
Cú Chulainn:
Hmph. You mean your agape? Nope, not buying that selfless love routine.
Cú Chulainn:
Anything that spreads itself thin enough to reach anyone and everyone may as well not even exist at all.
Caren:
...That was a pretty cutting comeback for a mongrel.
Caren:
Still, mutual understanding was never one of my goals, so you're welcome to argue till you're blue in the face.
Caren:
The Lord's love is given freely,
while asking nothing in return.
Caren:
It is the ultimate gospel that illuminates the world, blankets the whole of the earth, and brings salvation to all people.
Caren:
So by mass-producing delicious and nutritious God Love...
Caren:
I'll use love to bring salvation to everyone at Chaldea, and eventually, all of humanity.
Caren:
That is my plan.
Caren:
I'm Amor, god of love. I have a purpose to fulfill.
Caren:
So if you mean to interfere with that...
Fujimaru 1:
We definitely do.
Fujimaru 2:
You better believe it.
Amor:
Ahh, how deplorable...
Eros:
Ahh, how delectable... Whoops. I mean, deplorable...
Caren:
Well said. Oh, but not you, Eros. I'll have to give you another hundred lashes later.
Caren:
But yes, this truly is a pity. What a shame that we were evidently destined to fight after all...
Cú Chulainn:
Oh, what a crock! You don't look sad about this at all! You look positively eager!
Caren:
But, nonetheless, if this is the trial the Lord has set before me, then the struggle is the glory.
Caren:
Cú Chulainn, Gilgamesh. Mashérie. Master of Chaldea.
Caren:
Defeating you will help me grow even more as a Divinity, so that's just what I'm going to do.
Caren:
After that, it won't be long before you see me dominate the world with love!
Kid Gil:
Now she's even starting to sound like a final boss!
Kid Gil:
Come on, Fujimaru! Let's finish her off!
Cú Chulainn:
You know... I can't remember anything about it, but I'm sure I know her from somewhere.
Cú Chulainn:
And what's more, I can tell she was exactly like this back then, too.
Cú Chulainn:
So maybe it really is fate that
I get to help stop you here.
Cú Chulainn:
By the time we're done with you, you're gonna wish you'd never even heard the word “plan”!!!
Mash:
Oh no. Cú Chulainn is getting a lot more worked up than usual!
Da Vinci:
All right, guys, this is it!
Da Vinci:
I'm counting on you to defeat Caren and stop her from making or distributing any more God Love!
Da Vinci:
We'll never be able to get anything else done around here if she succeeds!
Fujimaru 1:
Got it!
Caren:
Very well then. If that's how you want to play this...
Caren:
...my goddess sisters and I will just have to show you our true power.
Caren:
Goddesses!
All Three:
Let's go!
==ARROW==
Eros:
Eeek.
Amor:
Eeek.
Caren:
Eeek.
Fujimaru 1:
We...we won!?
Cú Chulainn:
HA! Serves you right for all that stuff I don't remember!
Kid Gil:
You know, I think I feel just a tiny bit better now!
Mash:
U-um, Caren?
Mash:
Now would you be willing to shut down your factory and call off your plan?
Mash:
If possible, we'd also like you to tell us how to counteract the God Love's effects...
Caren:
Hehe...
Caren:
You must have a very low opinion of me indeed if you think you've won already.
Fujimaru 1:
Seeing as you apparently can't even stand upto say that, yeah, I'm sticking with “we won.”
Cú Chulainn:
Oh come on, give it a rest already. You lost, all right? What more do you think you can do now?
Cú Chulainn:
Besides, it's not like you killed anyone. You can still get off easy if you just agree to behave yourself.
Caren:
No, Cú Chulainn.
Caren:
You should never stop, not until you reach your goal and are satisfied.
Caren:
You're the one who told me that.
Cú Chulainn:
Really? I actually said something that corny?
Caren:
No. Not really.
Cú Chulainn:
What the hell is your problem!?!?
Caren:
Hehe, you're wide-open.
Now's our chance!
Caren:
Eros and Amor, release your pseudo-Spirit Origins! Return the portions of my power I shared with you!
Caren:
Goddess Fusion!!!
Eros:
Now is the time to show you...
Amor:
Our true goddess power!
Fujimaru 1:
What was that light!?
Mash:
Master, look! Over there!
Kid Gil:
Now there's one Caren instead of three!?
???:
I am the avatar of Valentine's Day.
???:
I am the guardian of purehearted lovers.
???:
I am the true face of the god of love.
Caren?:
Behold!
Caren?:
I am...God Caren!!!
Cú Chulainn & Kid Gil & Mash:
...
...
Cú Chulainn & Kid Gil & Mash:
She's the goddamn devil!!!
Section 8: Amore Mio
God Caren:
Behold, the goddess of judgment has descended upon you, along with crackling love and bone-roasting flames.
God Caren:
My name is God Caren!
I do hope I can count on your support♡
Fujimaru 1:
Now she's talking like an idol!?
Fujimaru 2:
(Does she really think we're going to startsupporting her now, after everything she's done?)
God Caren:
Hehehe... Well, everyone?
What do you think of my true form?
God Caren:
Or is it so divinely dazzling you
can't even bear to look at it?
Kid Gil:
It certainly does an excellent job showing your true devilish nature.
Cú Chulainn:
So even with the power of the god of love, you still look like a goddamn devil, huh. What the hell did your parents do to you when you were growing up?
God Caren:
...I suppose old-fashioned Heroic Spirits like yourselves just can't see true divinity, even when it's right in front of their faces.
God Caren:
Oh well, your opinions were never important to me anyway. It's what people from the same day and age as myself think that truly matters.
God Caren:
So, Mash and Fujimaru,
what do YOU think of this Spirit Origin?
Fujimaru 1:
Well, it's definitely divine in one sense.
Mash:
T-true... You're certainly, um, as boldly dressed as some Divine Spirits...
God Caren:
Right? Right? I knew you two would get it.
Fujimaru 2:
What's with the horns?
God Caren:
...Have you had your eyes checked recently? Because it should be beyond obvious that these are not horns.
God Caren:
They're chocolates.
Mash:
Oh. Well, that explains it!
God Caren:
Anyway, I was a little nervous about taking this form, since I've never done it before...
God Caren:
But now, my body's so hot it's like it's burning up, and I feel so, so much freer!
God Caren:
It's as though I've been let loose from the restraints of reason, or like I'm singing hymns beneath a clear blue sky.
God Caren:
Hehe. Anyway, I'm so sorry for disappointing you before.
God Caren:
But rest assured...I'm much more powerful now.
So, shall we pick up where we left off?
God Caren:
Now that you're done warming up with the tutorial, are you brave enough to accept a truly challenging quest?
Mash:
Uh-oh. This doesn't look good... Caren is projecting the aura of one of those broken characters who the rules don't apply to!
Mash:
It's about three times more powerful than any of the three Carens we just fought!
Mash:
What should we do, Master!?
Fujimaru 1:
I mean, it makes sense, since all three are combined into one now.
Fujimaru 2:
We can't afford to run away now!
Cú Chulainn:
True. Believe me, I wish I could just walk away and be done with this whole mess...
Cú Chulainn:
But that wouldn't be fair to the people who've been looking forward to a normal Valentine's Day!
Cú Chulainn:
So no more going around peddling your God Love garbage!
Kid Gil:
Agreed. Regardless of how it began, these days, Valentine's Day is all about people, and how they feel about each other.
Kid Gil:
So the fact that you've been going around just giving your love away for free, well...it's not a good look.
God Caren:
...Ouch. Being rejected en masse
is tougher than I thought...
God Caren:
But luckily, I like that sort of thing too! There's nothing like a little playing hard to get to make the love burn even hotter!
God Caren:
...In fact...
God Caren:
When I think about how I'll get to use the power of love to stomp all over your stupid faces shining with bravery and camaraderie, it makes me...
God Caren:
Makes me...
God Caren:
Ahem! Let's just say it makes my being summoned completely worthwhile! Ahh, what could be better than this!?
Cú Chulainn:
(Crap. I've seen this kind of holier-than-thou type before, and you don't want them running around doing whatever the hell they want.)
Cú Chulainn:
All right, Master, let's do this thing!
Cú Chulainn:
However we ended up here, we now know for damn sure that all of Chaldea's at stake in this fight!
Fujimaru 1:
Sure looks that way!
==ARROW==
God Caren:
Eeeeeek!!!
Fujimaru 1:
Huh? That was...surprisingly easy?
Fujimaru 2:
I mean, she was definitely tough, but...weirdly not THAT tough?
Da Vinci:
Yeah, about that... I didn't say anything sooner
'cause I didn't want to rain on your parade, but...
Da Vinci:
Even with all that extra magical energy, Amor's Spirit Origin is still just human-sized, so...
Kid Gil:
That limited her output, huh? Guess it doesn't matter how much magical energy you have if it's bottlenecked.
Kid Gil:
Honestly, the fact that there was only one of her this time made the fight even easier in some ways.
Eros:
Khh.
Eros:
I can't believe we lost on Valentine's Day of all days. It should've been the perfect venue for us...
Caren:
No, I see now that we should have expected this.
While we did have more than enough power...
Caren:
That form was essentially the equivalent of a single bite-sized piece of courtesy chocolate.
Eros:
Huh!? What do you mean by that, Lady Caren?
Caren:
I mean that the power of love reserved for a commercialized event like Valentine's Day can only go so far.
Amor:
True. I wasn't quite able to get past that hump myself. Eros was the only one of us taking it seriously.
Eros:
Heeey.
Eros:
Besides, weren't you just saying something about the power of Valentine's Day not too long ag–
Caren:
(Slap)
Eros:
Eeek.
Caren:
In the end, lovers are still just strangers. We forge
that relationship by giving in to our base urges.
Caren:
Lovers will never last forever.
All relationships eventually end.
Caren:
That's why love tainted with lust
is a far cry from true love.
Eros:
Eeek!
Eros:
Please forgive me, Lady Caren!
I really don't think I can take anymore!
Kid Gil:
...
...
Kid Gil:
Um, do you mind if I say something?
Caren:
Yes? What is it, Gilgamesh?
Kid Gil:
Well, I couldn't help but notice...
Kid Gil:
...that you tend to treat Kama and Eros pretty harshly.
Kid Gil:
It actually reminds me of the God Love.
Kid Gil:
You've been using it to try and suppress lust,
along with other negative emotions.
Kid Gil:
You clearly consider sexual desire to be, well, vulgar...
Kid Gil:
So I can't help but wonder why Eros, the god of sexual desire, would want you as a vessel.
Kid Gil:
Really, there's something...contradictory about your whole existence.
Fujimaru 1:
Hey, yeah... There is, isn't there?
Da Vinci:
Not necessarily. From what I know about Amor, or Eros, or whatever you call him...
Da Vinci:
He may well have had a reason for choosing his polar opposite for an avatar.
Mash:
Da Vinci?
Da Vinci:
Not necessarily. From what I know about Amor, or Eros, or whatever you call him...
Da Vinci:
He may well have had a reason for choosing his polar opposite for an avatar.
Mash:
Da Vinci?
Da Vinci:
It's got something to do with one
of Eros's more well-known stories.
Da Vinci:
In it, Eros has been spending his life wandering around firing his arrows of love at whoever catches his fancy, just like his mother ordered him to do.
Da Vinci:
But then, one day, he meets a human girl...
and falls in love with her.
Da Vinci:
The rest of their story plays out about how you expect.
Da Vinci:
Extenuating circumstances, overcoming adversity, happily ever after... You get the gist.
Da Vinci:
Anyway, the girl's name was Psyche, something close to “heart” in Greek.
Da Vinci:
And of course, I don't have to tell
you that Eros means "love."
Da Vinci:
So when you think about what this story of a union between heart and love is saying...
Da Vinci:
...you realize it has some interesting implications.
Mash:
So, if Eros is “love”...
and Psyche is “heart”...
Mash:
That would imply that love and the heart are separate things. Which would mean... Oh.
Mash:
So, you're saying Eros doesn't possess a heart?
Kid Gil:
...Aha. Now I get it. Since he doesn't possess a heart...
Kid Gil:
I'm guessing he's willing to carry out any order given to him, no matter how cruel...
Kid Gil:
...and to accept any punishment,
no matter how cruel? Is that it?
Caren:
No. I treat Eros that way because he likes it.
Eros:
No I don't. That's your thing, not mine.
Caren:
Shut up. I was just getting to the good part.
Caren:
Ahem. Here's the deal. Eros, or Amor, or whatever you call him, is a tragic god.
Caren:
He had the power to control love,
but no heart to understand it.
Da Vinci:
I knew it!
Caren:
One day, he came to me in a dream...
Caren:
...and asked me what true love is.
Caren:
But that is very difficult to put into words...
Caren:
So instead, I decided to show him a sample case.
Cú Chulainn:
A sample case?
Cú Chulainn:
The hell kind of sample case did
you show to a freaking god?
Caren:
I told you, it's simple.
Caren:
I showed him the form love should take.
Mash:
...And what was that?
Caren:
A world without conflict. A world where people cherish their neighbors, and no classes divide society.
Caren:
I showed him an ideal world...
Caren:
...where I, as its benevolent dictator, control all things.
Cú Chulainn:
The hell!? That's just another dystopia!
Caren:
So what? What's wrong with a benevolent dictatorship?
Caren:
My duty is to use this power to guide the world where it's meant to go...
Caren:
To make the ideal world I showed him a reality.
Caren:
Yes, that's right. Since people alone are incapable of being truly happy...
Caren:
I must use the Lord's love to bestow happiness upon everyone equally!
Mash:
That's...a Holy Grail!
Da Vinci:
What, was it formed by Valentine's Day power or something!? Then again, with all these Heroic Spirits around, I guess that's totally plausible!
Da Vinci:
Anyway, if there's a Holy Grail involved, that'd explain how she showed up without anyone summoning her!
Caren:
That's right. The Holy Grail was first drawn here by all those couples and their lecherous affections.
Caren:
It then summoned the god of love, who in turn sought someone with a heart: me.
Caren:
That is the chain of fate that led us here.
Caren:
And now, I'm sure that what I am about to do...
Caren:
...is only a fulfillment of God's will.
Mash:
That chocolate... Is that God Love!?
Caren:
God Love amplifies the love within anyone who eats it, and represses their negative emotions.
Caren:
So I wonder. What will happen if I,
a true believer of love, eat it instead?
Caren:
I think the time has come to find out.
Eros:
No, Lady Caren, don't!
You mustn't push yourself any further!
Amor:
(Sigh...) I knew you'd end up going down that route eventually, Caren.
Cú Chulainn:
Why the hell didn't either of you try to stop her, then!?
Cú Chulainn:
Seriously, don't do this, Caren!
There's no way anything good'll come of it!
Caren:
Hehe...
Caren:
As they say in Rome: Porca miseria, why don't you mind your own business, Lancer!?
Fujimaru 1:
Huh? Where are we!?
Mash:
The chocolate factor seems to have transformed into something...else.
???:
Hehe...
Mash:
Caren? Is that you?
???:
This is quite a surprise.
Even I wasn't expecting to gain this much power.
???:
I can feel both powerful love and irresistible desire swirling inside me.
???:
By accepting that desire, and forgiving it...
???:
I have now embodied true agape.
???:
So I will no longer go by a name as simple as “God Caren.”
???:
Now that I am even holier than God...
???:
You may call me...
Devil Caren:
Super God Caren!
Cú Chulainn & Kid Gil & Mash:
That's not what your name says!
Devil Caren:
Oh man, this feels so gooooood! And my skin's so smooth it's getting all tingly!
Devil Caren:
Can you hear that crackling sound?
Really adds to the atmosphere, don't you think!?
Devil Caren:
I think I can repel any attack now, to say nothing of water. Oh no, I'll never be able to take a shower again☆
Cú Chulainn & Kid Gil & Mash:
...(Dumbfounded)
Fujimaru 1:
...Now what do we do?
Fujimaru 2:
...I guess...we should probably try to stop her...
Devil Caren:
Huh? You still want to fight me? Seriously? Talk about chickens seasoning themselves for the roast.
Devil Caren:
...(Sigh) Humans never change, do they? No matter the time or place, they just can't help but charge bravely, though recklessly, into danger.
Devil Caren:
I swear, I never get tired of it.
You really are God's greatest creations.
Devil Caren:
All right. If you're so eager for punishment, I can make you cry without making you die.
Devil Caren:
You're all going to be drowning in my God Love soon enough, anyway...
Devil Caren:
So if you'd like to get a head start by having my love lightning zap you down to your soul, that's fine with me.
Mash:
Khh... Her aura is incredible!
Mash:
It's about three times more powerful than the God Caren we just fought!
Cú Chulainn:
Don't worry! There's nothing to fear here!
Cú Chulainn:
The only things that've really changed about her are her color palette and disposition!
Cú Chulainn:
Super God, my ass! She's still just another Servant!
Cú Chulainn:
Come on, brat!
You, me, Master, and Mash can totally take her!
Kid Gil:
All right, but please don't give it your best.
Kid Gil:
We're still dealing with a Pseudo-Servant with a human body as a vessel.
Kid Gil:
So please hold back and don't take this fight too far.
Cú Chulainn:
Well sure, that's what I was planning on doing all alon–Hey, what's that supposed to mean?
Devil Caren:
Hehe. Hehehe. Hehehehehe!
==ARROW==
Devil Caren:
It may be a little too late for this, but you all have the wrong idea about me.
Devil Caren:
The Lord's love is universal. It simply exists.
It's given freely to all living things.
Devil Caren:
Every person, regardless of who they are or what sort of life they may have lived, can receive it.
Devil Caren:
The Lord's love shines down upon us like sunlight. It gives people life, illuminates the earth, and punishes sin.
Devil Caren:
There is no sense rejecting it, refusing it, or trying to flee from it. You couldn't even if you wanted to.
Devil Caren:
It is simply the joy of life. It is what allows life to exist on this planet at all.
Devil Caren:
That is true agape–God's love, given freely. That is the greatest form of love we humans have imagined.
Mash:
Caren's magical energy signal is expanding! Does this mean her Spirit Origin is going to transform yet again!?
Fujimaru 1:
But she's already gone from god to devil!
Fujimaru 2:
Where could she possibly go from here!?
???:
Once again, this has been quite unexpected. Seeing you all fight so valiantly has inspired surprising new feelings in me...
???:
Ahh... I feel as though I'm about to be reborn...
???:
I can feel curiosity about a world I've yet to see bubbling up within me...
???:
Pure... Innocent...
And therefore, infinite...
???:
I've now embodied twue agape.
Mash:
...
...
Mash:
“Twue”?
???:
So I wiww no wonger go by a name
as simple as “Super God Cawen.”
???:
Fwom now on, you can caww me...
Caren?:
Super Baby Cawen!!!
Cú Chulainn & Kid Gil & Mash:
Now she's a literal baby!?
Cú Chulainn:
You gotta be friggin' kidding me!
Did we just jump the shark!?
Super Baby Caren:
Hehehe...
Super Baby Caren:
Thewe is no wonger any weason fow us to fight.
I am wiwwing to fowgive evewything.
Super Baby Caren:
After aww, I'm a super baby now.
Goo goo gah.
Mash:
Khh... Even as a baby, the scale of her aura is massive!
Mash:
It's about three times more powerful than the Devil Caren we just fought!
Fujimaru 1:
I'm not sure that's really the problem anymore...
Fujimaru 2:
And that's the third time you've said that, Mash.
Super Baby Caren:
Wight now, I considew aww wife equawwy pwecious.
Super Baby Caren:
After aww, I'm a baby.
Super Baby Caren:
Gwown-ups, chiwdwen, men, women...
They aaaww wook the same to me.
Super Baby Caren:
So I'm going to tweat you aww the same, and stawt cawwing you by numbers instead of names.
Kid Gil:
Now what's she going on about!?
Super Baby Caren:
Oh, and while this doesn't weally have anything to do with anything, I just want you all to know that...
Super Baby Caren:
The Capswile Sewant spinoff is avaiwable to downwoad in Jwapan, awthough I don't condown piwacy.
Super Baby Caren:
(As of February 2023)
Mash:
Now she's even casually cross-promoting other games!
What incredible confidence!
Mash:
So that's Super Baby Caren...!
Cú Chulainn:
...Heh.
Cú Chulainn:
This is all turning out way crazier than I expected... But my job is still the same as ever:
Cú Chulainn:
Kick ass until there's no more ass to be kicked!
Fujimaru 1:
Even an adorable baby?
Cú Chulainn:
Don't be fooled, Master. She might look like an angel now, but she's still as good as her word.
Cú Chulainn:
If we don't stop her now, she'll take control of Chaldea, and then the world.
Cú Chulainn:
God, devil... Whatever she becomes, it's all the same thing for her at heart.
Cú Chulainn:
Even good intentions can be disastrous when taken too far. Like they say, the road to hell's paved with 'em.
Cú Chulainn:
So, Master... What do you say?
Fujimaru 1:
All right, let's take her down.
Fujimaru 2:
It'd definitely be cruel to leave a baby in charge of the world.
Kid Gil:
Um, just for the record,
I can't say any of this is really shocking me.
Kid Gil:
Okay, the baby, I didn't see coming. The rest though? Pretty predictable.
Mash:
So then, does that mean...?
Cú Chulainn:
Yup.
Cú Chulainn:
Let's put this baby down for her nap and get back to our regular saccharine celebration.
Super Baby Caren:
So this is what you want... After evewything I said, you would still wefuse my wuv?
Super Baby Caren:
What, have none of you ever been wuved in your entiwe wives before or something?
Super Baby Caren:
What weason could you have to stiww go on wiving?
Cú Chulainn:
Shut it! Baby or not, there are some things you just can't say!
Super Baby Caren:
Don't be siwwy. Babies towewate evewything.
Super Baby Caren:
I'm not angwy. I'm just going to kiww you aww.
This has been vewy educational, but it's over now.
Super Baby Caren:
So, on that note, wuv-fowsaken Wancer,
foowish wuv-abandoning Archer...
Super Baby Caren:
...woving Mash, and Master who weawwy needs to start watching [♂ his /♀️ her] potty mouth if [♂ he /♀️ she] knows what's good for
[♂ him /♀️ her]...
Super Baby Caren:
It's time for aww of you to buwn in the fiwes of heww. Meanies. Poo-poo heads. Dum-dums.
Super Baby Caren:
I'm gonna towewate you so hard your heads wiww spin!
Kid Gil:
...I feel like our definitions of tolerance might be incompatible.
Cú Chulainn:
Hell, I'm starting to doubt she's got any god stuff in her at all.
Fujimaru 1:
All right, everyone, get ready! This is gonna be our last battle!
Mash:
O-oh, right! Then we'll have to make absolutely sure we win it!
Mash:
Not just for our sake, but also to show new lives yet to be born how wonderful Valentine's Day truly is!
==ARROW==
Super Baby Caren:
I-impossibwe...! My agape is infinite!
How can I stiww be wosing!?
Cú Chulainn:
...!!!
Cú Chulainn:
Hey! Golden kid!
Kid Gil:
Right!
Super Baby Caren:
You used your chains to westwain me...!
Weww pwayed, Giwgamesh.
Super Baby Caren:
This must be youw way of paying me back fow all the times I tied you up in anothew wowld!
Kid Gil:
You did WHAT to me!?
Super Baby Caren:
But even Anti-Divine awmaments wike this
awen't enough to howd me fowevew!
Cú Chulainn:
That's okay. They don't have to.
Cú Chulainn:
Master, give me all the magical energy you can spare! I'm gonna hit her with something real special!
Fujimaru 1:
You got it!
Mash:
P-please stand back, Master!
Mash:
Keep holding her down, Gil! I'll cover you!
Mash:
E-expanding ramparts!!!
Cú Chulainn:
Say night night, Caren, 'cause this lullaby's gonna knock you out for good!
Cú Chulainn:
Gáe...
Cú Chulainn:
Bolg!!!
Super Baby Caren:
G-g... G-g-g...!
Super Baby Caren:
Ga gooooo!?!?
Cú Chulainn:
...
...
Cú Chulainn:
Damn, sorry about that.
Cú Chulainn:
Gotta admit, I might've gone a little overBolg there.
Cú Chulainn:
...
...
Cú Chulainn:
But that said...
Cú Chulainn:
How the hell are you still alive!?
Caren:
...(Sigh)
Caren:
I guess this is it then.
Caren:
All right. I'll admit I lost.
At least this time.
Cú Chulainn:
“This time”?
Cú Chulainn:
After all this crap, you still haven't given up?
Caren:
Of course not. It will take much more than this to make me stop.
Caren:
I'm going to start development on my next product as soon as my Spirit Origin recovers, and then–
Kid Gil:
She really doesn't regret a thing, does she...
Amor:
...
...That's enough, Caren.
Caren:
Eros.
Amor:
I'm Amor.
Amor:
Do you remember what Queen Medea said?
Amor:
She said that Aphrodite wouldn't care...
Amor:
...even if all of my limbs were torn off of me.
Amor:
But...I'm not so sure.
Caren:
Amor?
Da Vinci:
Well, well.
Da Vinci:
That's not Caren's familiar speaking right now.
Da Vinci:
It looks like a Divine Spirit that would normally never come to the forefront is using that pseudo-Spirit Origin...
Da Vinci:
He's speaking for himself by taking advantage of his own amorphous existence.
Amor:
A long time ago, somebody laughed at my bazoo–I mean, bow and arrow of love, calling it no more than a toy.
Amor:
I still remember how it felt to have that bow and arrow–a core part of who I am as a Divinity–mocked like that.
Amor:
It was...upsetting.
Amor:
Looking back now, I realize I must have been sad.
Amor:
Sad that my work, my purpose–no, my pride and joy–had been so mocked.
Caren:
...
...
Cú Chulainn:
(I can practically hear her wondering what that has to do with her from here...)
Kid Gil:
(Now, now. Let's just keep quiet and see where this goes.)
Amor:
And now I feel the same about you, Caren.
Caren:
Me? Are you saying...I'm like your bow and arrow?
Amor:
That's right. Whenever I see you getting hurt...
Amor:
It...upsets me.
Caren:
...
...
Eros:
And besides...
Eros:
Deep down, don't you want to believe in it yourself?
Eros:
Don't you want to believe that the love between a couple–even if you think it's vulgar–can last forever?
Caren:
Amo–
Eros:
I'm Eros.
Eros:
I saw a memory of yours earlier, when your own love and desires had been heightened.
Eros:
It was a memory of the only time in your life...
Eros:
...when you fell in love with someone you deeply respec–
Caren:
(Slaps)
Eros:
Eeek.
Caren:
...Ugh, I swear. It's rough being a Pseudo-Servant.
Caren:
You don't even think twice about dredging up painful memories I'd just as soon forget.
Caren:
Even so, you got me good. You're right. As I am now, I don't have any right to embody true agape.
Caren:
The best I can do is sing the praises of love to those who know nothing of it.
Fujimaru 1:
So, does that mean you've turned over a new leaf, Caren?
Fujimaru 2:
Does this mean you've finally had a change of heart, Caren?
Caren:
Yes. I'm no longer going to try to rule over Chaldea, unfortunately.
Caren:
Here. You can have this as proof of my commitment.
Fujimaru 1:
The Holy Grail!
Caren:
I don't need it anymore.
Caren:
I also wrote down how to counteract the God Love's effects in dry-erase marker on the side here.
Mash:
That's, um, very kind of you...
Caren:
As for you, Cú Chulainn and Gilgamesh...
Cú Chulainn:
Yeah?
Kid Gil:
Yes?
Caren:
You both helped me out a lot as well.
Caren:
Thank you for guiding Fujimaru and defeating me.
Cú Chulainn:
Whoa, whoa, where's this coming from? It's like a total one-eighty from what you were–Wait.
Kid Gil:
Well, that was fast. You really don't do anything by halves, do you?
Caren:
Hehe... I'm a lot prouder than you might think, you see. Now that I've lost, I have no wish to overstay my welcome.
Caren:
Come on, Eros, Amor. Let's be on our way.
Eros:
Farewell, everyone.
Amor:
It's been a pleasure to meet you.
Fujimaru 1:
Caren...
Caren:
Oh, right. I also promised I would help you, didn't I?
Caren:
That's the one regret I have about
how all this turned out...
Final Section: The Goddess and Her Delightful Comrades
Cú Chulainn:
Phew. Talk about live and let live, huh?
Cú Chulainn:
Everything's gone back to the usual Valentine's Day routine, like nothing ever happened.
Mash:
That goes for everyone who ate the God Love, too.
They're all back to normal now.
Da Vinci:
They sure are. I've checked.
Da Vinci:
Honestly, part of me is impressed that Caren got her chocolate to catch on as much as it did.
Da Vinci:
She might have been a great marketer in a different life.
Cú Chulainn:
Not that it made our lives any easier. Eesh...
Cú Chulainn:
Do any of the other Servants even have any idea how hard we worked to get everything and everyone back to normal?
Kid Gil:
Maybe not, but that just goes to show how peaceful it is again. I'd say that's a good thing.
Kid Gil:
What about you, Cú Chulainn?
Are you sure you want to be here right now?
Kid Gil:
I hear Medb is running all around Chaldea looking for you.
Cú Chulainn:
I know. Why do you think I'm hanging out here, of all places?
Fujimaru 1:
“Of all places”?
Da Vinci:
Oh right, I just remembered.
Da Vinci:
Jason was freaking out about some prized collection of his having gone missing earlier.
Da Vinci:
You guys wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?
Fujimaru 1:
Oh, right.
Fujimaru 2:
Whoops. I completely forgot about that...
Kid Gil:
That rare Heracles memorabilia collection?
Cú Chulainn:
You still have that stuff put away? No wonder it still stinks of testosterone in here.
Mash:
Hehe. Still, I'm sure Jason will be thrilled when we return his collection.
Da Vinci:
I'm glad you think so, because I was about to ask you to do just that.
Da Vinci:
Don't worry about the rest of the aftermath. I'll take care of that. Great work, guys.
Da Vinci:
Oh, and Mash?
Mash:
Y-yes!?
Da Vinci:
Just so you know, I don't have any assignments for you at the moment...
Da Vinci:
So now's your chance to make the most of Valentine's Day.
Da Vinci:
They sure are. I've checked.
Da Vinci:
Honestly, part of me is impressed that Caren got her chocolate to catch on as much as it did.
Da Vinci:
She might have been a great marketer in a different life.
Cú Chulainn:
Not that it made our lives any easier. Eesh...
Cú Chulainn:
Do any of the other Servants even have any idea how hard we worked to get everything and everyone back to normal?
Kid Gil:
Maybe not, but that just goes to show how peaceful it is again. I'd say that's a good thing.
Kid Gil:
What about you, Cú Chulainn?
Are you sure you want to be here right now?
Kid Gil:
I hear Medb is running all around Chaldea looking for you.
Cú Chulainn:
I know. Why do you think I'm hanging out here, of all places?
Fujimaru 1:
“Of all places”?
Da Vinci:
Oh right, I just remembered.
Da Vinci:
Jason was freaking out about some prized collection of his having gone missing earlier.
Da Vinci:
You guys wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?
Fujimaru 1:
Oh, right.
Fujimaru 2:
Whoops. I completely forgot about that...
Kid Gil:
That rare Heracles memorabilia collection?
Cú Chulainn:
You still have that stuff put away? No wonder it still stinks of testosterone in here.
Mash:
Hehe. Still, I'm sure Jason will be thrilled when we return his collection.
Da Vinci:
I'm glad you think so, because I was about to ask you to do just that.
Da Vinci:
Don't worry about the rest of the aftermath. I'll take care of that. Great work, guys.
Da Vinci:
Oh, and Mash?
Mash:
Y-yes!?
Da Vinci:
Just so you know, I don't have any assignments for you at the moment...
Da Vinci:
So now's your chance to make the most of Valentine's Day.
Mash:
O-okay! Thank you, Da Vinci!
Cú Chulainn:
...
...
Kid Gil:
...
...
Cú Chulainn:
Oh, hey, uh...
Cú Chulainn:
I just remembered I have to do...something. Gotta run.
Cú Chulainn:
Come on, kid, you too.
Kid Gil:
Huh? I don't want to go.
Kid Gil:
I'm going to stay right here so I can see how this all plays out.
Mash:
Um, how what plays out...?
Cú Chulainn:
Just come on already! You and I're going to go make the arounds in Chaldea.
Kid Gil:
What!? I never signed up for that!
???:
Well, that sounds perfect.
Both:
...What did you say?
Caren:
I didn't had the time for a nice, relaxed
exploration of Chaldea before.
Caren:
Would you mind if I joined you on your rounds?
Both:
Gaaaaaah!
Mash:
C-Caren? What are you doing here?
Fujimaru 1:
Yeah, what about your dramatic exit?
Caren:
Yes, well, that's what I was planning to do...
Caren:
But then I figured I may as well recombine with Eros and Amor. And when I did...
Caren:
...I ended up with just enough magical energy left over to rematerialize.
Caren:
So that's what I did. It was pretty easy, too.
It seems interpersonal bonds truly are powerful.
Caren:
Still, I didn't have anywhere else to go, and it looked too cold to camp out...
Caren:
So since we already formed a temporary contract once, I thought I'd come back so you could hire me on full-time♡
Kid Gil:
No! No chance!
Cú Chulainn:
For once, I agree with you!
Don't do it, Master!
Cú Chulainn:
Keep her around, and there's no telling when she might try and kill you in your slee–
Caren:
(Slaps)
Both:
Yeowww!
Caren:
If you have enough energy to protest, then you must also have enough to show me around, no?
Caren:
So come on then. I want you to tell me all there is to know about Chaldea's various facilities.
Caren:
I intend to stay here for quite a long time, you know.
Both:
Nooo freaking waaay!!!
Caren:
As for you, Master, I look forward
to working with you again.
Caren:
Now please, don't mind us. Back to what you were doing. Don't worry, I'll take care of the rest.
Mash:
U-um... Caren?
Medb:
Aha! There you are, Cú!
Medb:
...Huh?
Medb:
Who's that woman with you,
and why do you two look so chummy!?
Medb:
Stay right where you are! You're not going anywhere until you've told me everything I want to know!
Caren:
Hmm. That must be the famous Queen
Medb I've heard so much about.
Caren:
I see. So you're making passes at people even after being summoned as a Servant.
Caren:
It seems you're more of a stallion than a ladies' man, Cú Chulainn. Or should I say, you dog.
Cú Chulainn:
Now you're outright slandering me!?
Caren:
I'm just stating an objective fact. Now, go on.
Start running before she catches you.
Cú Chulainn:
Dammiiiiiit!!!
Kid Gil:
Why am I still mixed up in this!?
Medb:
Get back heeere!
Fujimaru 1:
...
Mash:
...
...
Mash:
S-so, um...
Mash:
It's certainly been an eventful few days,
hasn't it, Senpai?
Mash:
I know you've been through a lot this year thanks to chocolate...again...
Mash:
B-but, um, they do say that sweets are the best remedy for exhaustion, so...
Mash:
Um... Here.
Mash:
I hope you like it!
Fujimaru 1:
Thanks, Mash.
Mash:
N-not at all! It doesn't even come close to expressing how grateful I am to you for everything you do for me all year, so if anything, I should be the one thanking you!
Fujimaru 1:
In that case...
Mash:
Huh?
Fujimaru 1:
Here. This is for you.
Mash:
Does this mean...you had a gift
prepared for me all this time, too?
Fujimaru 1:
Well, yeah.
Fujimaru 2:
I mean, it is Valentine's Day, so.
Mash:
Hehe.
Mash:
Thank you, Senpai. This was a wonderful surprise.
Mash:
Now that all's said and done, I think this year's Valentine's Day turned out wonderfully as well!