Christopher Columbus
Him
Columbus:
Hey there, Master.
Mind if I come in?
Fujimaru 1:
Whoa, what!?
Mash:
You're wearing your evil face right off the bat!?
Columbus:
Oh? Is that how I came off?
Columbus:
Sorry 'bout that. It's been so long since I came to Master's room, I must've been more nervous than I thought.
Mash:
(I wouldn't really say that expression looked at all nervous...)
Columbus:
Anyway, I didn't realize you were here too, girly.
...Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Mash:
N-no, you're not. Senpai and I were just enjoying a hot drink together, like we usually do...!
Mash:
Today we're having hot cocoa. Would you like a cup too, Columbus? It really warms you up.
Columbus:
...Cacao, huh...
Mash:
You don't care for cocoa?
Columbus:
No, it's not that.
Columbus:
It's just that every time I see it,
I'm reminded of the huge opportunity I missed.
Columbus:
I never even realized it until someone else told me what I'd passed up...
Fujimaru 1:
But aren't you the one who made cacao popular?
Columbus:
Exactly.
Columbus:
Sure, I was the one who first brought cacao beans back from the New World, but I didn't really have any idea what they might be for.
Columbus:
They didn't catch on as sweets until years later.
Ugh, even today it kills me to think about it.
Columbus:
'Course that was all a long time ago, but still...
Columbus:
...I smell an opportunity to make big cacao money here in Chaldea, too...
Columbus:
But I digress. I'm here 'cause I got a little favor to ask you, Master.
Fujimaru 1:
You don't say... (Suspicious stare)
Fujimaru 2:
A favor, huh? (Suspicious stare)
Columbus:
C'mon, don't give me that look!
Columbus:
I don't know what shenanigans any other versions of me might've gotten up to, but I'm your faithful Servant.
Columbus:
...So long as you assign me the right kinds of work, that is.
Columbus:
I always get a thrill whenever I help you open the door to the treasury.
Fujimaru 1:
I had a feeling that might be the case.
Fujimaru 2:
Good to have you on board...I think.
Columbus:
No problem. There's nobody better at collecting shiny baubles, you know!
Columbus:
Anyway, getting back on track...here's what I had in mind.
Columbus:
There's a whole boatload of Servants here in Chaldea besides me, right?
Columbus:
Some of them have invited me to join their clubs,
and I've been meaning to turn them all down.
Columbus:
But for some strange reason, people keep taking what I say and do the wrong way.
Mash:
I see... I can't imagine why...
Columbus:
I'm not trying to offend anyone by turning them down, but I might be coming off harsher than I mean to...
Columbus:
...and ruffling the rest of Chaldea's feathers as a result.
Columbus:
Since you're our Master, I'm hoping you can help me put a stop to all of that.
Fujimaru 1:
Okay...but what exactly did you have in mind?
Columbus:
Don't worry, it's easy.
Columbus:
All you have to do is be there with me, and throw me a lifeline if things start going off the rails.
Columbus:
You're a special [♂ guy /♀️ gal} to all us Servants, after all.
Columbus:
Just having you there for these sorts of conversations will make a world of difference.
Columbus:
If you've got time to spare, Mash, it'd be great to have you around too. You know pretty much every Servant here, don't you?
Mash:
Well, sure, I don't mind coming along.
Mash:
But, I'm curious: Why are you turning these invitations down in the first place?
Mash:
From what I know about these clubs, they just appear to be a way for their members to get to know each other better.
Mash:
Is turning down an invitation to one really such a big deal?
Columbus:
No, no, it's not. And I know that.
There's no greater point to this or anything.
Columbus:
It's really just a me thing.
I just figure it's better to be true to myself.
Columbus:
...Hey, let me ask you two something:
What word would you say best defines who I am?
Fujimaru 1:
Huh? Well, I'd say you're...
Fujimaru 2:
(Good question...)
Mash:
Uh, that's hard to say. Maybe an adventurer?
Or an explorer? You could also go with captain...
Columbus:
Haha, don't worry about answering.
I think you get my point.
Columbus:
Now let's go pay this first club a visit.
Hopefully they're the understanding types.
Mary:
Come! The deep blue seas await us with untold treasures!
Anne:
Hidden desert islands, skull marks on old maps,
unarmed trade ships just waiting to be plundered...
Anne:
If it's a pirate's life for you, this is the closest you'll get to it here in Chaldea!
Anne & Mary:
Welcome to the Pirate Club!
Fujimaru 1:
Pirate Club...!?
Fujimaru 2:
Four words: Pirates of the Chaldean...
Columbus:
Hey there, ladies. For the moment, I just wanted to stop by and say thanks for the invite.
Columbus:
Is it just the two of you in this club?
What about that Brit...uh, Francis Drake, I think?
Columbus:
I could've sworn I saw her name on the invitation too.
Mary:
Of course Captain Drake's a member.
She's just sleeping off a hangover.
Anne:
Sorry to disappoint you if you were looking forward to meeting her. But hey, since you're joining, you'll have plenty more chances to meet her!
Mary:
Oh, wait. Didn't Captain Drake kick the crap out of the Spanish Armada?
Mary:
Did you actually want to avoid her, not meet her?
Columbus:
No, no, nothing like that. I don't know how she feels about international relations, but I couldn't care less.
Columbus:
Besides, she just handed España's asses to them 'cause England paid her good money for it. It's not as though she sold her soul to queen and country or anything.
Columbus:
Still...haha, I bet it'd be a lot of fun to join her in drinking the night away.
Columbus:
There's no telling what might happen,
if you get my drift... Hehe, hehehe...
Fujimaru 1:
Columbus. Columbus! You're doing it again!
Mash:
U-um, could I ask you a question!?
Mash:
I'm not at all surprised that you two would want to form a pirate club...
Mash:
...but what sort of activities did you have in mind for it?
Mash:
I mean, there's no way to get to the ocean from Chaldea without Rayshifting.
Mary:
We know. That's why we wanted to at least carve out a space here where pirates can feel like themselves.
Anne:
Maybe some kind of mock tavern, where pirates can swap tales of their voyages over mugs of beer?
Anne:
It wouldn't matter what the tales are about. They could be about foolish mistakes, daring exploits, reliving the good old days...
Mary:
And of course, if any members have any leads on new treasure, they could choose to share them–or not–and compete with each other to see who could find it first.
Mary:
That's the sort of piratey club we've got in mind.
Mash:
I, uh...I see...
Mary:
Anyway, thanks for coming, Christopher Columbus.
We're happy to have you.
Anne:
In a sense, we have you to thank for discovering the Caribbean and helping us get started with our own adventures.
Anne:
You're like our granddaddy's granddaddy when it comes to the seven seas. We'd love to hear all about your voyages.
Columbus:
Well, uh...
Columbus:
This is hard for me to say, but I didn't come here to accept. I'm sorry, but I can't join your club.
Columbus:
I had Master and Mash come along to mediate all of this.
Fujimaru 1:
So he says, anyway.
Mary:
What!? Aw, come on!
Columbus:
Besides, what do you even need me for? I'm not the only sailor here. What about, say, Blackbeard?
Mary:
Are you nuts!? We blacklisted that perv from day one! He's never, ever getting into this club!
Anne:
In fact, that might actually be one of the reasons why we want you to join.
Mash:
What do you mean?
Anne:
Well, we're thinking Blackbeard may put his own club together.
Anne:
He might be a super-perv, but I guess he's first a first-class pirate. He really is an ultra-perv though.
Fujimaru 1:
(I guess once wasn't enough.)
Fujimaru 2:
From super, to ultra...!
Mary:
Besides, Chaldea could easily end up summoning other pirates in the future, right?
Mary:
If one of them was that coward, Calico Jack Rackham, or Captain Kidd, or that hottie Bartholomew...
Mary:
...they might end up siding with Blackbeard,
much as saying so kills me.
Anne:
Yeah! So we need to grab as many capable sailors for our club while we can.
Anne:
Having Captain Drake and Christopher Columbus in our club would absolutely give us the edge in both skill and popularity!
Anne:
In other words, having you two here means the seas of Chaldea would be ours!
Columbus:
Well, hang on now. For one thing, you've got the wrong idea about something real fundamental.
Anne & Mary:
Huh?
Columbus:
Are you sure you'd call me a pirate?
'Cause I really wouldn't.
Mary:
Wh-what do you mean!?
Mary:
You find unexplored islands and plunder them for all their worth! Of course you're a pirate!
Anne:
Besides, didn't you used to sail on a corsair when you were young? Pretty piratey, I'd say.
Columbus:
Hmm, hm hm. I'll give you the bit about the corsair, yeah.
Columbus:
But that's exactly why I've got no choice but to spell this out for you now.
Columbus:
Unlicensed piracy is, by definition, a criminal act.
Anne & Mary:
...Huh?
Columbus:
That's why I've gotta turn you down.
Columbus:
I don't wanna give people the wrong idea by joining a pirate club when I was never a pirate.
Columbus:
Plus, I don't want to be arrested when I didn't do anything wrong.
Columbus:
Happened to me before, you know. I wasn't engaging in piracy or anything, but they still tossed me in jail.
Columbus:
Even now, I can't help but cry when I think back to how they clapped me in irons...
Columbus:
I was just trying everything I could to keep the colonies under control, you know?
Mary:
Th-that's what you're afraid of? Chains!? No pirate worth her salt would even bat an eye at that!
Mary:
Now what do we do, Anne? I thought Columbus was the granddaddy of all pirates, but it turns out he's a total yellowbelly!
Anne:
I get the sense he's taking some liberties with his story here, but never mind that!
Anne:
I think in this case...the right thing to do here is to give him a proper flogging, true pirate style.
Anne:
I think they call it shock therapy these days? That way, we'll have the Columbus we've been looking for.
Anne:
Maybe then, he'll snap out of it and be the pirate granddaddy he's meant to be!
Columbus:
Oh, so you're not gonna let me turn this down politely, huh... Sheesh.
Columbus:
Sorry for the trouble, Master, but this is where you come in. Thanks for helping out with the mediation!
--BATTLE--:
Anne & Mary:
Guh...
Columbus:
Sorry about that, ladies. Hope you are able to find someone a little better for your club.
Mash:
Are you sure about this, Columbus?
Columbus:
What else could I do?
Like I keep saying, I'm not a pirate.
Columbus:
Anyway, that's one invite turned down.
Thanks again, Master.
Columbus:
All right, let's go see the next club. Unfortunately,
I doubt this one'll be smooth sailing, either...
--ARROW--:
D： ???:
You do like money...don't you?
Columbus:
Hell yes I do!
Caesar:
Hahaha! Then I trust it goes without saying that you like being rich as well?
Columbus:
And how!
D： ???:
Good, good.
I knew we were right to send you an invite.
D： ???:
In that case, welcome to the Chaldea Merchants Association♪
Caesar:
The economics club, if you will.
Caesar:
This is where Chaldea's big earners come together to pool their resources.
Caesar:
To control the flow of information is to control the economy itself. Now come, tip your wine glass, and let us exchange trade secrets.
Caesar:
Here at Chaldea, small talk and business talk are lumped together into the same concept, losing their respective essence.
Caesar:
What we choose to take, and choose to leave behind,
is where our unique skillsets shine.
Caesar:
We were, of course, certain that you would not be troubled by the gears of Chaldea's economy beginning to truly pick up speed...
Caesar:
In fact, it is because we believe you are trustworthy enough to help us turn them yourself that you were invited to join us.
Caesar:
That should be a source of great pride for you!
D： ???:
Oh! But no kings whose names start with “D” can join!
D： ???:
I can't imagine ever forming a positive,
mutually beneficial relationship with him!
Fujimaru 1:
Something about this whole room seems...shady.
Mash:
I agree, Senpai.
Mash:
As someone still learning the ways of society, the barriers to entry in this room feel much too high for me to overcome...
Columbus:
Haha, true, this world might be kind of rough for you, girlie. Best keep those purse strings drawn tight.
Fujimaru 2:
It's so...grown-up in here...!
Columbus:
True, you and Mash might be a little young for this place. Make sure you keep those purse strings drawn tight.
Mash:
...All right, I understand what it is you're doing here.
But I at least have to ask about this!
Mash:
Where did this party room come from? I'm quite sure we don't have anything like this in Chaldea.
D： ???:
Oh, that's just an illusion I cast, of course. If you're going to talk money, you should do so in an appropriately-themed setting, right?
D： ???:
In fact, I make new luxurious rooms every day just to keep things fresh!
D： ???:
Sometimes I go with ones like this... And sometimes, I go with ones like this!
Fujimaru 1:
Well, they definitely seem to fit the theme.
Fujimaru 2:
Columbus, you're sure about this?
Columbus:
Yeah, I am. Sorry about this, Queenie and Big Roman Guy. I appreciate the invitation, but I have to refuse.
D： ???:
What? But...whyyy...?
D： ???:
We're trying to be a real, respectable, legitimate merchant society, with no backstabbing or cheating whatsoever.
D： ???:
In time, we're planning to make this a safe and secure place where merchants of all stripes can make a buck or ten without any money laundering, you know...?
Caesar:
And above all, does the prospect of secret meetings with this beautiful woman not get your blood pumping?
Caesar:
You can tell how serious I am about this endeavor by the lengths I'm willing to go to keep it secret from my beloved Cleopatra!
Columbus:
Don't get me wrong.
I can tell this place has a lot going for it.
Columbus:
But the thing is...even though I used to sail on a trade ship, and I've made plenty of deals in my day...
Columbus:
...I don't think I'm a merchant, either.
Caesar:
Hm? Hahaha, is that all you're concerned about?
Come now, no need to worry about titles here.
Caesar:
I'm an autocrat myself, not a merchant, though I do have a talent for the latter. That holds just as true for Her Majesty here as well.
Caesar:
This association is about a way of life! It's all about the thrill of financial endeavors pursued by the finer members of society.
Columbus:
Exactly. It's about a way of life.
Columbus:
I've known plenty of merchants in my time, too. Bigshots who wield their guild's authority like a club, modest peddlers just trying to make a living, con artists who never met a mark they didn't like, patsies with the best of intentions and not a lick of common sense...
Columbus:
So, believe me, I know what merchants value better than just about anyone.
Columbus:
They want to minimize risk, and maximize reward.
That's the case for you lot as well, right?
D： ???:
Well... Basically, yes.
Columbus:
Heh. Well that's not me.
Columbus:
Maximizing the reward is all that matters to me. Think I'd have made the journey out west if I'd spent a bunch of time weighing the risks?
Columbus:
The only thing I was thinking about was the riches awaiting me if I could get there.
Columbus:
It didn't matter how long it was gonna take or what I'd have to sacrifice along the way. I knew the reward would be enough to make up for all of that. Or rather, I believed it would.
Columbus:
I really never bothered to weigh the expense of the voyage against the gold I'd gain.
Columbus:
A merchant would never have set one foot on board a ship before drawing up an estimate. I never made one.
Columbus:
That's why I have to refuse your offer.
Columbus:
The whole idea of stopping your journey to take stock of the risks just doesn't sit right with me.
D： ???:
I see... All right, I understand. It does sound like you don't really live the life of a merchant.
D： ???:
If anything, it's the opposite.
You're a gambler.
Columbus:
Oh?
D： ???:
It's not that you won't calibrate your expectations, it's that you can't. You're a hedonistic gambling addict who's only got his eyes on the prize and ignores the risks entirely!
Caesar:
Indeed! That won't do. That won't do at all. One should never participate in a game you aren't certain you can win, whether by skill or other means.
Caesar:
When the die is cast, whether literally or figuratively, one should always take steps to ensure that it lands the way they want.
Caesar:
Of course, those measures can change depending on the scenario. Fair prices, an eloquent speech, a small army at your beck and call...
D： ???:
I agree. This won't do at all.
There are few things I despise more than gamblers.
D： ???:
It's incredibly dangerous to have an actor in the marketplace who isn't concerned about what he might have to lose.
D： ???:
His mere presence could disrupt my finely tuned calculations! And from there, it's only a hop, skip, and a jump to h-heavy losses! Oh God!
Fujimaru 1:
Couldn't you just not put him in your calculations?
D： ???:
I wish I could...but I can't just ignore him...
D： ???:
You understand, right, Master?
D： ???:
Why do you think I didn't think twice about sending him an invite? Can't you smell the scent of money practically radiating from him?
D： ???:
For better or worse, I can't help but think that where he goes, money follows.
Fujimaru 1:
(Yeah, I can see that.)
Fujimaru 2:
(Maybe that's his EX Luck at work.)
D： ???:
If we let him run around doing whatever he wants, the consequences for Chaldea's economy could be disastrous.
D： ???:
And that means we can't just ignore him.
D： ???:
I don't want a gambler ruining my business opportunities... And I really don't want one putting me in the red...
Columbus:
Then what're you gonna do about it?
Me, I'm just gonna do whatever I want.
Columbus:
...If that ends up with you losing money, well,
to be honest, I don't really give a shit.
D： ???:
True. There's only one thing I can do about this:
D： ???:
Put you under Merchants Association supervision, whether you like it or not...and teach you what it means to have a pure, righteous, beautiful merchant's soul!
D： ???:
So to start, I'll beat you over the head with bags of gold until you've learned to polish them to a high shine so they make that beautiful jingling sound!
Caesar:
Heh. Just a moment, Queen Moneybags. As a gentleman, I cannot permit this burden to rest on your shoulders alone!
Caesar:
Please, allow me to offer you my assistance as the figurative king of cutting one's losses.
Caesar:
Of course, if you like, I would also be happy to serve as his instructor myself.
Caesar:
I could teach him all my proven methods for making money, from the Roman art of haggling to the Roman see-food diet.
Caesar:
...Naturally, I will prove their efficacy by charging a more than fair price for my services! What better way to learn than by experience!?
Mash:
I can't say I'm at all surprised things turned out this way...
Columbus:
Haha, you lot sure are pushy when it comes to invites. Guess I'll have to be a little pushy in return about turning them down!
Columbus:
All right Master! Second verse, just like the first!
--BATTLE--:
Caesar:
Well, drat. Perhaps I let the prospect of spending time in secret with the beautiful queen get the better of me.
Caesar:
I spent so much time on my alibi to allay Cleopatra's suspicions that I neglected to rig the actual invitation.
Caesar:
It seems I cast my die prematurely after all...
D： ???:
Ngh...
Columbus:
Oh, right, I almost forgot. I wasn't completely truthful earlier, so let me set the record straight.
Columbus:
Sure, I made my way west 'cause I thought it'd make me rich, but that wasn't the only reason.
Columbus:
...And I gotta admit,
it feels a little weird telling you this...
D： ???:
(Sigh). All right...what was the other reason?
Columbus:
Well, simply put...I felt like God was telling me to go.
D： ???:
...
D： ???:
Well...that certainly doesn't sound very merchant-like...
D： ???:
But then again, maybe in one sense,
it very much is...
D： ???:
Hmm. I honestly can't tell which...
Columbus:
All right, only one more to go.
Columbus:
Truth be told, this last club's the only one where I've got no idea why they invited me.
Columbus:
I'll do my best to convince them peacefully...but if that falls through, I'll be counting on you to help bail me out again, Master.
Columbus:
But don't worry. For this next club in particular, I'm pretty sure words will be just fine, and things shouldn't likely turn violent.
Columbus:
Hell, these next Servants have so little connection to me that I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up turning them down for me.
Columbus:
...Honestly, I wonder if this invite wasn't just some kind of mistake.
--ARROW--:
D： ???:
Welcome...to the Chaldean League of Villains.
Fujimaru 1:
Yeeeah, I don't think I'm gonna be turning them down for you.
Fujimaru 2:
This seems like a mistake to you, huh?
Columbus:
Hey, come on, Master, work with me here.
Columbus:
I'm nothing like these guys...right?
D： ???:
So that is your initial reaction, is it? I certainly accounted for that in my calculations, but I must say it is still somehow surprising.
Mephistopheles:
Heeheeheehee! You wound me, you wound me! All we wanted was a new playmate we were sure to get along with!
Blackbeard:
Dammit! As if I'd ever join any pirate club who'd have the old hag as a member!
Blackbeard:
Still, I has a sad since I won't get to see the holy zone extending from Mary's pert upper arm to down below her armpit on a daily basis!
Blackbeard:
Anyway, I decided to hang out here until Bartholomew and the others show up.
Blackbeard:
Gotta make sure he doesn't soak in that lukewarm bath for so long that he forgets how to commit a proper crime, after all.
Blackbeard:
The only downside is that my tastes are just not compatible with these plebs here!
Blackbeard:
How can you all be so disinterested in my secret collection!? It's the stuff every man dreams about!
Mash:
I-I don't know what you're talking about, but nobody should be committing any kind of crime!
Fujimaru 1:
We'd better squash this club now, before it gets out of hand.
Fujimaru 2:
No good can come to Chaldea by letting this club exist...
D： ???:
Now, now, just a moment. I believe there's been some sort of misunderstanding.
D： ???:
We haven't actually formed a secret society sworn to foment chaos and anarchy.
D： ???:
We are merely exercising a bit of...fantasy.
Mash:
Fantasy...huh...
D： ???:
Everyone has a dream they bask in from time to time, do they not? Things they know to be improbable or infeasible, yet cannot help but yearn for nonetheless.
D： ???:
We come here to share those dreams, to imagine what it would take to make them come true as a sort of mental exercise, nothing more.
D： ???:
It's a surprisingly effective form of stress relief. Even we villains need a safe space where we can relax and be ourselves, after all.
Blackbeard:
The good guy types are always suspicious of us,
even if we haven't done anything wrong!
Blackbeard:
Really makes it hard to girl watch in the cafeteria. I can't even remember the last time I grabbed a cup of tea there.
Blackbeard:
The best I've managed is to rig the soda machine to serve only the Blackbeard Special (coffee mixed with orange juice)...
Mephistopheles:
Personally, I'm so used to people pretending not to see me that it's a bit of a thrill when they do.
Mephistopheles:
Heehee, heeheehee! Go on, look at me! No, on second thought, please don't! No, wait, on third thought, please do!
Mephistopheles:
What's that? You want to look at me even more?
You can't take your eyes off me for a moment?
Mephistopheles:
In that case, why don't I hold on to your eyes for you? That way, they'll never come off me!
D： ???:
Mephy there may be too Chaotic Evil for me to account for him in my calculations, but he's welcome here nonetheless. Diversity is crucial to the health of any organization, after all.
D： ???:
I've sent out an invite to Henry–er, Edward as well, but I'm afraid he has yet to respond.
D： ???:
He may have just thrown it away, or some busybody may have torn it up before he even saw it. I tell you, it's too much for this aging man's heart!
D： ???:
At any rate, that is the sort of broad-minded play land we are attempting to build here. Join us, and let us all enjoy ourselves together.
Columbus:
All right, I get what it is you're all doing here.
But I still can't join your club.
D： ???:
And why is that, if you don't mind my asking?
Columbus:
Do you even have to ask?
Columbus:
Because, honestly, as of right now,
I don't think of the person I am today as a villain.
D： ???:
Oho... What a fascinating assertion.
Mephistopheles:
Ohohohoho! Talk about dropping a bombshell!
Blackbeard:
Srsly? You're really serial right now?
Blackbeard:
I only ever sailed the Caribbean, but even I heard some pretty bad stories about the things you've done.
Columbus:
I know what you're getting at. You're talking about what happened after my big voyage, right? But everything I did was completely normal.
Columbus:
And I do mean everything.
Columbus:
If I thought it was okay to do something, I did it.
If I thought it was wrong, then I didn't.
Columbus:
I made my men do what I thought was okay,
and punished them if they did something bad.
Columbus:
That's all there was to it. I never bothered thinking about whether our actions were good or evil.
Columbus:
No, that's not quite right. I didn't bother bringing along anything to measure what's good and what's evil.
Columbus:
Getting ready for the voyage out west was hard enough without packing things we didn't need.
Mash:
...
Fujimaru 1:
Wait, Mash.
Fujimaru 2:
I think he might still have more to say.
Mash:
Senpai...?
D： ???:
I see, I see. Something to measure good and evil, eh?
D： ???:
Yes, I can certainly understand that.
So that's why you don't think of yourself as evil.
D： ???:
However, I feel your explanation is lacking in one particular respect.
D： ???:
And whether this is an intentional or accidental omission is of particular relevance.
Columbus:
Hm? What're you talking about?
D： ???:
Very well then, I'll get straight to the point. Unlike a certain “great” detective I could name, I have no interest in beating around the bush.
D： ???:
You were very clear that as of this moment, you do not think of the person you are now as a villain.
D： ???:
So then, the obvious question is: As of right now,
how do you see the man you were in the past?
Columbus:
...Hard to say. I don't have any weird way to measure that, either.
D： ???:
Now, now, be honest. If you need some way to measure your own goodness or evil...you have one right there, don't you?
Mephistopheles:
Why yes, he does!
A young, fresh, perfectly ordinary meatsack!
Columbus:
What's that? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.
D： ???:
Hehehe, you clearly have no trouble lying through your teeth. Not really a trait one typically finds among those inclined toward good.
D： ???:
It would be a shame to let you go.
Are you sure you won't reconsider joining us?
Columbus:
Sorry, but my answer's still no. If you don't like it, go ahead and try to change my mind for me.
Mephistopheles:
Heeheeheehee! Ooh, I do so love dragging one who thinks himself good down the path of evil!
Mephistopheles:
And would you look at that? I just so happen to have some truth serum (read: bombs) to make him confess how evil he really is right here!
Blackbeard:
I haven't been following most of the time, but really, the gist is that you're like me, aren't you? You'll kill anyone who looks at you funny and be done with it?
Blackbeard:
I could always use a new crew member.
Especially a skilled sailor with similar tastes!
Blackbeard:
After all, you never know when someone's gonna challenge you to a duel you can't talk your way out of, smh. I plan on being the last one standing!
Blackbeard:
So get over here and show us what you're really made of already! Got regrets about how you lived your life? Save them for your deathbed!
--BATTLE--:
Blackbeard:
Tch. Oldschool, but that was still some damn good steering! You're a way better pirate than most pirates I know, old-timer!
Mephistopheles:
Hmm. Does this mean that the evil defeated by evil was the true evil all along?
Mephistopheles:
Heeheeheehee, it seems I've unexpectedly become something of a fiery mood maker!
Mephistopheles:
I do hope you'll call on me again!
D： ???:
...
D： ???:
The key difference between you and me, Columbus, is that I was made to be evil, where you were labeled evil by others.
D： ???:
But in both our cases, the question is:
Who decided we were evil?
D： ???:
For you, I imagine that's the means of measuring you spoke of.
D： ???:
I was hoping to determine whether you still follow your original time period's sense of morality...
D： ???:
...or whether you've come to adopt more modern ones...
D： ???:
...but I think that can wait for another time. And I'm quite certain there will eventually be such a time.
Columbus:
...Good god. University professors sure do like to yammer on, don't they.
Columbus:
Well, it might have gotten a little rough at times, but at least those invites are good and declined now. Appreciate all your help, Master.
Mash:
I don't know...
I'm not sure this will really be the end of it...
Fujimaru 1:
If you really appreciate it, how about returning the favor?
Fujimaru 2:
I think I deserve some payment for my services.
Columbus:
Payment, huh? Well listen to you. Fine, I guess I can't turn you down now. How much do you want?
Fujimaru 1:
I want you to finally come clean.
Fujimaru 2:
I want you answer the question he put to you.
Mash:
Oh... You mean when he first asked me what I thought he was?
Columbus:
...Well, since you've stuck with me this far, I guess it wouldn't be fair to fudge it any longer.
Columbus:
All right, this'll be your payment then. Though I've gotta say, it's a little embarrassing talking about myself like this.
Columbus:
If you want to know what I think I am,
well...I'm afraid all I can say is this:
Columbus:
I'm myself. I'm the man most people know as Christopher Columbus.
Columbus:
Back when I was younger, I went by Cristoforo Colombo, and in España, I'm known as Cristóbal Colón...
Fujimaru 1:
No fair!
Fujimaru 2:
That's not what I meant, and you know it!
Columbus:
Haha, well, I had to try. But if you're not satisfied with that, I'll keep going.
Columbus:
Given my current position, it might be easier to think about why I was summoned as a Servant.
Columbus:
Was it because I'm a sailor?
A merchant? A villain? Of course not.
Columbus:
Hell, I just turned down invites for all those clubs 'cause I didn't want to be pigeonholed into any of those particular categories.
Columbus:
So then, why was I summoned as a Servant?
Columbus:
I think it's because I made my dream come true.
Columbus:
I think it's because I proved to the whole world that, as long as you never give up, you can make your dream a reality, no matter what that dream may be.
Mash:
Still...if we're talking about your Servant status, well, you are technically a Rider, right?
Mash:
So while you may not be a pirate, I still can't help but think the sailor part must be pretty relevant, since it involves riding a ship...
Columbus:
Hah, now we're taking things literally, are we?
Well, if you want to think about it in terms of riding...
Columbus:
...you could say that I never disembarked from my dream.
Mash:
...!
Columbus:
No matter what sort of hardships I encountered, or how many other people I stepped on, or how long it took...
Columbus:
...I believed I'd eventually arrive at my goal as long as I kept moving forward, and never stopped believing till the very end.
Columbus:
You know, thinking about it now...
Columbus:
...I might just be the best example there is of a Servant that made their dreams come true.
Mash:
...I see. That's certainly...one way to look at it.
Columbus:
Oh, and while we're on the subject, let me make one more thing clear about the role I have to play.
Columbus:
Like I just said, the only thing I've got going for me is my ability to follow my dreams.
Columbus:
But you know, my dream from when I was still alive already came true. I don't need to discover the New World all over again.
Columbus:
So then, what dream should I pursue now that I'm a Servant? What do I set my sights on and chase after with all I've got?
Columbus:
Well, I think the answer to that question–the thing that gives dream-chasing Servants something worth chasing–is probably you, Master.
Fujimaru 1:
...!
Columbus:
'Course, I still have a mind and a will of my own.
Columbus:
I'll still go after any easy money there is to be made, go wherever I want, and do whatever I want.
Columbus:
But all that said...
Columbus:
If you point me towards something that can match discovering the New World...
Columbus:
...and if I can think of it as my own dream...
Columbus:
...then I'll do whatever it takes to get there.
Guaranteed.
Columbus:
So as long as you're on board my ship,
I'll make sure you get there too.
Columbus:
I don't care if it involves restoring humanity, achieving world peace, or even conquering the world.
Columbus:
The only thing I've got going for me is my tenacity.
As for what I use it for, well...that's up to you.
Columbus:
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about the end result. Good, bad, it's all the same to me.
Columbus:
All I care about...is following my dream until it becomes reality.
Fujimaru 1:
...I'll remember that.
Columbus:
Good. Anyway, thanks again for helping me out today. Give me a shout the next time you head to the treasury.
Mash:
You know...I think I understand Columbus just a little bit better now.
Mash:
Even though he changed the world, he only did so because he was chasing his own dream.
Mash:
That must be why he doesn't like having his actions, or his ethics, or the good and bad sides of his deeds, labeled one way or the other.
Mash:
Because that would just be him going by someone else's metric.
Mash:
The only things he's concerned with are his own dreams and desires, as determined by his own way of thinking.
Mash:
So...if we can come up with a good dream for him...one that lines up with our own goals...
Mash:
...then I think he might just end up being a tremendously capable ally.
Mash:
On the other hand...if we show him the wrong sort of dream by mistake, he'll probably end up doing things that most would describe as evil.
Fujimaru 1:
True. We'd better be careful...
D： ???:
...Welcome. What can I do for you this fine day?
Columbus:
Well, I've been thinking about what you said the other day...
Columbus:
...and I've decided to join your club after all.
Here's my registration form.
Columbus:
I figured, if I'm gonna join any club around here,
this one looks like the best fit.
Columbus:
Course, I already went and declined while Master was present, plus the other clubs I turned down.
Columbus:
So I'd appreciate it if you kept my membership here just between us.
D： ???:
Heh, by all means. This is precisely the outcome I expected. But, as a matter of interest, and do be straight with me about this...
D： ???:
...You're doing the same thing with the Pirate Club and Merchants Association as well, aren't you?
D： ???:
I trust you fed them the same line, and similarly asked them to keep your membership secret?
Columbus:
...
Columbus:
Hahaha! Was it that obvious!?
Columbus:
If only I'd had a smart guy like you on my crew instead of Pinzón or Bartolome!
Columbus:
Still, I didn't technically lie to Master and Mash, you know?
Columbus:
I am me. It's not accurate to say I'm just a pirate, or just a merchant, or just a villain.
Columbus:
But...if you're gonna say I'm all of them, well,
that's fine with me. Accurate, that's for sure!
Columbus:
So...if you're that smart, Professor, do you also know why I went to all the trouble of getting Master involved and making a show of turning you all down?
D： ???:
Of course. The answer couldn't be simpler: to gain all you could, personally, from your membership to each club as was possible.
D： ???:
After all, you only act to satisfy your own personal desires.
D： ???:
You brought Master along to spread the belief throughout Chaldea that you would not be joining any of the Servants' clubs.
D： ???:
Then, when you went to a club and said you would make an exception just for them, you would be assured a special position. A shadow member, if you will.
D： ???:
In doing so, you will be able to gain insider knowledge while staying out of the spotlight.
D： ???:
Naturally, there are many merits to such an approach. For one, you can act with greater impunity, knowing you will be safe even if the club should go south.
Columbus:
So, now that you know all that...are you still willing to let me join?
Columbus:
'Cause if you are, you should know that I'm still planning to hide in the shadows and suck up all the juiciest bits for myself.
D： ???:
It's quite all right with me. If that's how you want to play, I can think of any number of ways to make use of you.
Columbus:
Haha! You've got guts, telling a guy you're gonna make use of him right to his face.
Columbus:
...I think you and I are going to get along just fine. Pleasure to join your club, criminal gentleman!
D： ???:
The pleasure's all mine. After all, you achieved tremendous success and changed the world itself merely by following your own selfish dreams and desires.
D： ???:
As far as I'm concerned, that is a world-class criminal accomplishment. I daresay I'm rather envious...
Both:
Hehe... Hehehe... Mwahahahahahaha...