Queen of Sheba
Harder Than Going Through the Eye of a Needle
David: Ooof. Oh hey, Fujimaru. Are you by chance looking for the Queen of Sheba?
David: Actually, in the hallway a few minutes ago...
Fujimaru 1: You ran into her?
David: ...I did not. Hahaha!
David: I had some business with her myself. She's the Queen of Sheba, after all.
David: She's the queen whose beauty was praised and noted in any number of texts and works of art. Even the Bible!
David: And now that beauty has come to Chaldea. I always meant to introduce myself to her!
David: I would start off with a brisk “hello” and a pleasant conversation starter. Then, I would lock eyes with her and seal the deal by taking her hand.
David: You have to meet a person to know if you're compatible with them, you know.
Fujimaru 1: I don't know what you're talking about.
Fujimaru 2: So you're looking for someone to abi-shag...
David: Hey, I'm passionate about this! It's very important to me!
David: With the help of a certain someone here (a fellow fan of bronze skin and fuzzy ears), I've done a bit of sleuthing.
David: First, I checked when the Queen appears in common areas. Then I looked into her favorite facilities and how she likes to get to them...
David: But not once have I managed to meet her. Hrmmm...
David: I try to get a few steps ahead, but she always seems to see just what I'm planning, and so manages to evade me. I have only failed so far!
Fujimaru 1: That's impossible.
David: I'm not exaggerating. It's all true.
Fujimaru 2: I'll just go report you for stalking...
David: Oh, no. I wouldn't recommend that, Master. I'll have you know that I'm always innocent. My good looks always help me beat the rap.
David: But, should the security personnel be male, he may falsely accuse me out of sheer jealousy. How sad.
David: Besides, I'm only acting on instinct. As a sheep herder, I'm inclined to gather any lost sheep–
David: Okay, fine! It's my fault! Just put your phone away!
David: ...But honestly. Big as this place is, failing to run into someone at least once seems odd...
David: Maybe it's because...she's using her power of looking into the future or something...
Fujimaru 1: Maybe it's annoying enough that going so far is all she can do...
David: You think it's annoying? But this handsome guy is so desperate!
David: I know my actions can be problematic, but don't you think it's funny when you think about it? That fact I, for once, am failing?
David: Don't you think that's a sight to behold? Oh, I hope the Queen of Sheba thinks so too.
Fujimaru 1: King David's optimism scares me.
Fujimaru 2: I wouldn't say anything if you weren't out of line.
David: Thanks for that uninspiring word of encouragement, Master. I'll just have to patiently wait for my encounter like a gentleman.
Fujimaru 1: So...we're back at the Command Room.
Fujimaru 2: Da Vinci asked me to search for her...
Fujimaru 1: Eh!?
Fujimaru 2: Where am I!? Why is there suddenly a desert!?
Jaguar Warrior: Well, well...you fell right into my mousetrap, agent of the villainous universal genius!
Jaguar Warrior: There's no use squirming to get out! Not so much as a rat is gonna escape on my watch!
Jaguar Warrior: You'll get a punch! A kick! A body slam! Come at me! I've got moves like a jaguar!
Fujimaru 1: ...Eh!? Eh? Jaguar Warrior!?
Fujimaru 2: But you're not even from the desert...
Jaguar Warrior: Ha! Everyone knows cats and the desert go together like peanut butter and jelly!
Jaguar Warrior: And now, the winds of South America will blow CATastrophically in this desert! What I mean is, you're gonna die!
Jaguar Warrior: Ack!!! Ptttfttt! Sand! It's rough and coarse and getting everywhere! And drying out my famous toe beans!
Queen of Sheba: U-um...Jaguar?
Queen of Sheba: I'm sorry to interrupt, but I believe Master has some business with me...
Jaguar Warrior: Oh, I see... I understand. Except I don't! The only thing I know is that there are butts that need kicking for entering my territory!
Jaguar Warrior: I thought I made myself clear, lovely animal-eared girl! I can only remember and follow one command at a time!
Queen of Sheba: P-please wait! (Sigh)... I guess we have no choice.
Queen of Sheba: I'm sorry to ask this since you only just arrived, Master.
Queen of Sheba: But would you mind giving me a hand in calming her down? I will repay you generously.
Fujimaru 1: Anything for my Queen!
Fujimaru 2: Understood. I'll look forward to your reward.
Jaguar Warrior: Oh gods! Oh gods! Have you forsaken me, Babylonia's–
Jaguar Warrior: ...Babylo-lo!?
Fujimaru 1: ...We're back in the Command Room!?
Jaguar Warrior: Ack...im...pawssible... So all this was just a desert meowrage...
Jaguar Warrior: Hahaha...it was a short-lived dream...the real me probably is asleep at a cat cafe...
Queen of Sheba: Whew...have you calmed down, Jaguar?
Jaguar Warrior: Yep, I'm awake, and I'm feline fine. Hm. I don't even know what a Babylonia god whatsit is...
Kid Gil: Wow. Amazing. (Clap, clap)
Kid Gil: That was an amazing illusion. So potent. It felt so real.
Kid Gil: I could even feel the burning heat of the desert sun, and it was making me thirsty.
Kid Gil: I'm sure that skill came in handy in protecting the kingdom of Sheba.
Queen of Sheba: Kid Gil...don't embarrass me... That illusion wasn't the one I wanted to use...
Kid Gil: Some of Chaldea's magecraft equipment on the fritz, right? It happens all the time, don't worry about it.
Queen of Sheba: That's a relief. That means there won't be any lawsuits... Anyway, this is bad!
Queen of Sheba: I really didn't intend for Master to get caught up in this!
Fujimaru 1: Kid Gil's here too? What's going on?
Fujimaru 2: Does this have to do with Da Vinci calling everyone over?
Queen of Sheba: Oh, my... Oh, my...
Queen of Sheba: Da Vinci was looking for me? I-I didn't even notice.
Queen of Sheba: I'm sorry. Kid Gil and I were having a business meeting–I-I mean, we were in deep conversation, so I didn't realize...
Queen of Sheba: And I asked Jaguar to stand guard and make sure no one disturbed us.
Jaguar Warrior: Yep. I accepted the task for an hourly rate of three tangerines. One to save for later, one for sketching, and one to freeze.
Fujimaru 1: Very suspicious...
Fujimaru 2: Are you hiding something?
Queen of Sheba: Ehhh!? N-no! Nothing...nothing at all!
Kid Gil: Oh, does it look suspicious?
Kid Gil: I suppose it does. I guess Da Vinci does have the upper hand.
Fujimaru 1: Oh, right. So Da Vinci was–
Queen of Sheba: Eh!? Tons of lost manuscripts unearthed!? THE Leonardo da Vinci's manuscripts!?
Queen of Sheba: And she's trying to figure out how to handle them!?
Queen of Sheba: Well then just give them to me so I can auction them off! I've got this!
Queen of Sheba: We can even leave my handling fee open for negotiation. I've already opened up some back channels and–Oh.
Fujimaru 1: “Oh”?
Fujimaru 2: “Back channels”?
Queen of Sheba: Ah...um...well... Oh, my... Oh, my...
Jaguar Warrior: Hm? What's wrong, my animal-eared amigo?
Jaguar Warrior: You just made this really devilish face that reminds me of another friend of mine.
Fujimaru 1: I get it now.
Jaguar Warrior: What do you mean, you get it now!? Explain, please.
Kid Gil: Okay. So you all know that my treasury is...you know...
Fujimaru 2: I see. Can't authorize that.
Queen of Sheba: Ehhhhhh!? Nooo, Master!
Kid Gil: Yes, exactly. It's widely known that my treasury is...you know...
Kid Gil: Of course, I do have a fine collection of weapons and armor as well, but not only that, I also possess a vast number of ornaments and rare metals.
Kid Gil: But to keep them all locked up is such a waste...
Kid Gil: ...That, at least, would be the modern take on it...and since we've had knowledge of modern norms granted to us, that is the conclusion that we came to.
Queen of Sheba: That's why...I've suggested Kid Gil try some investment ventures to fund a side business...
Queen of Sheba: It will serve as collateral to finance art exhibits for people to appreciate and admire. Growth industries where we can put his fortune to work for him!
Kid Gil: She has a great eye for appraisal... This arrangement would be beneficial for me as well.
Kid Gil: My treasury gets a bit more organized, and I get a chance to add some more modern treasures to it as well.
Fujimaru 1: I still don't get why you brought Jaguar Warrior into this...
Queen of Sheba: Actually...you see...
Queen of Sheba: I (discretely) approached some of the more...veteran Servants who have more experience in this modern world, seeking their cooperation...
Jaguar Warrior: Meow?
Queen of Sheba: U-um...do you have a moment? There is something I would like to discuss with you...
Georgios: Well! If it isn't the great queen of the southern desert nation!
Georgios: You cannot imagine how excited I was to learn that you were summoned to Chaldea!
Georgios: How reassuring! Ah, how holy! You, an individual full of knowledge and divinity!
Georgios: Together, we shall become the sword and shield of Chaldea and lead it down the path of righteousness!
Queen of Sheba: Uh...s-sure... P-pleased to meet you...
Queen of Sheba: Um...well...thank you for your time...
Queen of Sheba: Excuse me...
Martha: Oh, my! It is the Queen of Sheba! I am honored! Please, allow me to shake your hand!
Queen of Sheba: ...S-sure... Ooooucch! My bones! My poor hand!
Martha: You are the living embodiment of a miracle! Faith will surely take hold in this land now!
Martha: Should you need any help at all, please do not hesitate to ask me!
Martha: The fastest way to get a six-pack, the best bulking recipes...please leave all of that to me!
Queen of Sheba: Um...okay... If I ended up needing that...I guess... Really...sorry for your trouble...
Queen of Sheba: Tarasque...is so cute...I wish I had one... (Sob)...
Kid Gil: They are all great and reliable people, who hold the Queen of Sheba in the highest esteem...
Kid Gil: But they weren't the right personnel for THIS job...haha...
Jaguar Warrior: Heh. So you're looking for the right connections and market? It's not that I don't know a few...
Jaguar Warrior: But all my sources deal in shady and dangerous addictive substances... Like gourmet candy.
Fujimaru 1: So this is a business venture to earn you some spending money?
Fujimaru 1: Well, then I know the perfect person.
Queen of Sheba: ...
Queen of Sheba: WHAT!?!?!? It's not who I think it is, is it?
Queen of Sheba: Are you perchance thinking of an individual whose name starts with “D”? Specifically, a king whose name starts with “D”?
Queen of Sheba: Impossible!
Queen of Sheba: He's basically my chief business rival! A competitor!
Queen of Sheba: Were I to team up with him, it would ruin my profit margins!
Kid Gil: Oh, and don't forget that when the business takes off, I'll be taking my cut, too.
Kid Gil: I'll invest as much as you need until then, of course.
Queen of Sheba: Ack.
Jaguar Warrior: Something's bothering me...from a legal standpoint. Let me guess...
Jaguar Warrior: Sheba and Kiddy Gil...are you guys trying to get into some kinda shady business together?
Jaguar Warrior: Is this going to affect Chaldea's peaceful snack time situation?
Jaguar Warrior: I don't want to see Fujimaru and Mash with the expression of someone who's used up all their materials and embers.
Jaguar Warrior: Not in my Chaldea. I'd rather die than to have us eat only apple cores for every meal.
Queen of Sheba: Th-things would never come to that...p-probably...
Fujimaru 1: She's suddenly not so confident.
Queen of Sheba: I AM confident!
Fujimaru 2: Wasn't your future sight going to get you a pile of money?
Kid Gil: For one thing, if she did anything THAT flashy, nobody would want to do business with her.
Queen of Sheba: Master, are you trying to get in the way of my side business? I'll have you know, I am not giving up on this endeavor!
Fujimaru 1: Not at first, I wasn't.
Fujimaru 2: I kinda feel like I should stop this, yeah.
Jaguar Warrior: Hm! I agree with Fujimaru!
Jaguar Warrior: Time to boycat this plan! Losing out on three tangerines is tough, but it's gotta be done!
Jaguar Warrior: Start the simulator! Start the battle BGM!
Kid Gil: Oh? This is...
Fujimaru 1: A 3D image?
Fujimaru 2: A simulation?
Jaguar Warrior: Meowhahahaha!
Jaguar Warrior: Behold the high-techiness of My Room instantly turning into a small-scale simulator room!
Jaguar Warrior: It was so worth getting help from an anonymous member of Chaldea (a fan of fuzzy ears and big sister types)!
Fujimaru 1: Can't put anything past that half-god, half-human feline!
Jaguar Warrior: Heh. A couple squeezes of my toe beans, and she was all mine!
Fujimaru 2: How much did this renovation cost?
Jaguar Warrior: Don't ask about cost! You'll ruin our P&L!
Queen of Sheba: ...If brute force is what would make you listen...
Queen of Sheba: Then maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let my fists do the talking to introduce this plan to Master!
Kid Gil: Oh, wow. Looks like both parties are really fired up.
Kid Gil: Oh well, I guess I did get on this ride! I'll just have to do my share for our business.
Kid Gil: Shall we get down to it, Master?
Fujimaru 1: His eyes aren't smiling...!
Fujimaru 2: He's LITERALLY going to use body language, huh?
Jaguar Warrior: Meowhahahaha!
Jaguar Warrior: We won! Chaldea's snack time is made safe at the paws of your faithful Jag–
Jaguar Warrior: Meow?
Emiya: Excuse me for interrupting your...uh, deep discussion.
Emiya: I received a report that the jaguar who's been looting our pantry is here.
Jaguar Warrior: Eh!? Oh crap!
Jaguar Warrior: H-hey! Lemme go! Don't just lift me up by the scruff of my neck like that!
Jaguar Warrior: ...A-air...can't...breathe...
Emiya: I got her. Target secured.
Emiya: Sorry to cause trouble. I'll take my leave now.
Jaguar Warrior: ...! Mrrroooooow!!!
Da Vinci: ...
Da Vinci: (Pat)
Fujimaru 1: Da Vinci...did you come to check things out?
Fujimaru 2: Is this...a note?
Fujimaru 1: (Is she telling me I need to deal with this?)
Queen of Sheba: ...
Fujimaru 1: Why did you want all that money, Queen?
Fujimaru 2: I'm sure we could give you an allowance that will let you could live comfortably here...
Kid Gil: Ah, yes. We did not get an explanation of why she wanted to start up a business in the first place.
Kid Gil: Not that I much care.
Fujimaru 1: You're always so rational about things like this, Kid Gil.
Kid Gil: Yes... That has been said before.
Kid Gil: But this is about her, not me.
Queen of Sheba: B-because...
Queen of Sheba: C...camels...!
Queen of Sheba: I want pet camels!
Queen of Sheba: In Chaldea! I want to keep camels in Chaldea!
Queen of Sheba: But...after I researched a few things, it sounded...so difficult...
Fujimaru 1: Camels? How many?
Queen of Sheba: At least...maybe one hundred... A-and I'm not kidding!
Queen of Sheba: If there was only one, it'd get lonely!
Fujimaru 2: Well, yeah, this isn't an environment camels thrive in...
Queen of Sheba: Why is Chaldea in a place like this!?
Queen of Sheba: Let's move to the desert! The desert!
Kid Gil: Ahaha...a full-scale camel zoo in Chaldea, huh?
Kid Gil: Yeah, a few million dollars wouldn't be enough for that.
Kid Gil: The cost to build such a facility, plus yearly maintenance...it'd be upwards of three hundred mil!
Kid Gil: After all, we're in such an isolated location that we might as well be trying to terraform Mars or something.
Queen of Sheba: So...it's impossible...isn't it? (Sob)... Camel...
Fujimaru 1: Oh...this is?
Fujimaru 2: Another illusion? Or a mirage?
Kid Gil: Oh? This is different than the usual simulator projection.
Fujimaru 1: Actually, according to Da Vinci...
Kid Gil: Oh?
Kid Gil: The Near-Future Observation Lens: Sheba keeps starting up because it synchronizes with the Queen of Sheba's mental state?
Kid Gil: And not just that, but it's affecting the other machines too, causing a bunch of problems?
Kid Gil: I see.
Kid Gil: I suppose I should expect as much from something Lev Lainur created...
Kid Gil: But, that's strange.
Kid Gil: With so many Servants gathered here in Chaldea, why did this happen now?
Kid Gil: ...
Kid Gil: Oh...I see...
Fujimaru 1: We need to take care of the Queen's homesickness!
Fujimaru 2: ...By the way, about my reward...
Queen of Sheba: ...Oh...okay...
Queen of Sheba: Would an assorted camel-shaped cookie box suffice? They're all broken, though.
Queen of Sheba: Camel... (Droopy ears)
Fujimaru 1: ...Queen of Sheba!
Queen of Sheba: What is it, Master?
Fujimaru 1: I will take you to the desert!
Queen of Sheba: ...
Queen of Sheba: ...You're not pulling my leg, are you?
Queen of Sheba: Then...make sure you always bring me along when you go on a quest to the desert!
Queen of Sheba: And even if it isn't a quest, just take me whenever I ask you, okay?
Fujimaru 2: I will be your camel!
Queen of Sheba: ...
Queen of Sheba: ...Really?
Queen of Sheba: Promise? I want one with one hump, okay?
Queen of Sheba: If you have two humps, I'll tan your skin and make you into a wallet.
Fujimaru 1: ...Okay!
Fujimaru 2: As you wish, my Queen.
Queen of Sheba: Heehee...
Queen of Sheba: Teehee...heehee! Okay!
Queen of Sheba: I'm feeling a bit better... Sorry to worry you all so much.
Kid Gil: That's great. By the way, Queen of Sheba...
Kid Gil: If you would like to tamp down this “power” of yours, I think I can offer some advice.
Queen of Sheba: ...!!!
Fujimaru 1: Does that mean...
Kid Gil: Yes. It's a side effect of her future sight.
Fujimaru 2: This was all caused by indiscriminate use of future sight?
Kid Gil: Yes. It appears so.
Queen of Sheba: I see...
Queen of Sheba: Got it. I'll allow Kid Gil to help me once more.
Fujimaru 1: Please help.
Fujimaru 2: Try to keep the mischief to a minimum...
Kid Gil: Master, are you going to go to Da Vinci to report your findings?
Kid Gil: Understood. Good work.
Fujimaru 1: See you.
Queen of Sheba: Aaack!
Queen of Sheba: ...Da...!
David: Hmmm...I see...
Fujimaru 1: Have you been waiting outside the whole time?
David: No. Absolutely not. This is just a really, really, really fortunate coincidence.
David: Besides, if I was going to hang around outside, I'd have just knocked.
David: I just so happened to pass by– (Fidget, fidget)
Queen of Sheba: Hnnnrrrrrrgh...
Fujimaru 1: Her fur is standing on end...
David: ...Hmmm. Ah! She truly is the unparalleled beauty of legend!
David: I am unworthy of the honor of being in your presence, Your Majesty!
David: ...But you know what? I'm a bit disappointed...
David: Just a liiiiiitle bit... She's not quite my type.
Fujimaru 1: —Eh?
Fujimaru 2: Okay, she's kinda tall, but is that really why?
David: Oh, how unfortunate! Unfortunate, but... Yes, I can move on.
David: The queen is a beauty, but not really my type of beauty. Let's just leave it at that.
David: Welp! Off to the cafeteria to enjoy some babka.
David: See you later, Fujimaru. I will let you take the role of the Queen's escort!
Queen of Sheba: ...
Queen of Sheba: ...Huh? WHAT!?
Queen of Sheba: WHAT IS WITH HIM!?
Queen of Sheba: With that face...that voice...saying things like that!
Queen of Sheba: I don't like him! I hate him! I want to go back to the desert!
Fujimaru 1: Don't let that vagabond get under your skin, my Queen.
Fujimaru 2: Looks like we're going to have equipment trouble for a bit longer...
Kid Gil: Ahahaha. Master, you really do have your hands full!